We’re sure most of you are familiar with Chris Neil. He is the Ottawa Senators resident “tough guy” although that term should be used very loosely when it comes to Neil.
His most recent act of cowardice was attacking Dennis Seidenberg.
He’s one of those players that takes cheap shots and then skates away, or waits until the refs are between him and the other player before he starts smack talking or throwing punches.
Basically… he’s one of the NHL’s biggest wussies. We’ve seen tougher players in local Mite leagues.
But… maybe it is all for show. Maybe off the ice he is the perfect gentleman, a man his community looks up to. Maybe something happened to him in his youth that made him that way on the ice. Who knows.
So we decided to have Boston’s top reporter, Patrice Purrgeron, spend a day with Chris Neil to see what makes him tick. The results were…. horrifying to say the least.
After the jump… Patrice Purrgeron’s day with the least tough “Tough Guy” in the NHL……
Thanks guys. Chris Neil. One of those players that you hate if he’s not on your team…. and you hate if he’s on your team. Seriously, if you own a Chris Neil jersey you’re probably one of those bulky frat boys who convinces himself his bulk is muscle and not fat and then picks on people less than half his size and claims he’s one tough son of a bitch.
I tried to withhold my judgement until I officially met Neil. I know his reputation as a coward and a dude who loves to turtle but I decided to do a little research before we met and my findings started to make everything make sense.
Growing up Chris Neil was terrible… at everything. Math. Science. Basic hygiene. Pleasing a woman. Or a man.
And it ate him up inside. The turning point was when his dreams were officially crushed…
Chris Neil always wanted to be a famous knight. He was too dumb to understand that those days had passed hundreds of years ago. One day he stumbled upon a Renaissance Faire and instantly felt tough. Being around all those nerds made him feel super cool even though they could all kick his ass. Neil wanted a job performing as a knight. The guy playing the Black Knight had seen Chris Neil try to fight the previous day and got violently ill watching him try to be a man. So they let Neil fill in.
Neil was super pumped about the opportunity. In his head he thought he was still badass because had beaten up a group of disabled first graders the previous day. However, his first bout exposed him for the weakling that he was.
Neil was going up against the White Knight and tried to jump him from behind. However, the White Knight had heard about how much of a coward Neil was and was well prepared. He swung his sword repeatedly at Neil, cutting off his limbs!
Neil lost it. Despite the fact that he was clearly beaten, he kept taunting the White Knight, saying he was a pansy and couldn’t beat Neil. Realizing that in his own head Chris Neil really thought he was super awesome and tough, the White Knight took pity and walked away, letting Neil think he won despite having no limbs.
Doctors were able to re-attach his limbs but having thought he won the fight he was already on the path to be the world’s biggest jerk. He began to pick on people he knew couldn’t fight back so he could feel tough.
Neil asked me to meet him in front of an adoption agency. I found that odd.
When I got there he was out front, harassing the orphans.
“I’m totally prepared to fight them if they come out,” Neil said.
“The employees?,” I asked.
“No you fool, the kids. The kids. I could totally take them I bet. If the employees come out, I’m running. I don’t fight people my own size.”
Of course not.
“Come on cat guy, we have a lot on the agenda,” Neil said as he guided me along.
Our next stop was a nursing home. I tried to convince myself Neil was visiting his grandmother or something, but I was nervous. Unfortunately my fears were realized.
“Come here! Quiet! This old chick is in the bathroom… watch this!,” he said as he crouched down behind a wall. Moments later an elderly woman emerged and began to walk towards her bed. That is when Chris Neil sprung into action.
Wow. Classy. But not surprising given who I was dealing with.
“Let’s go furball. We’re going to the mall!,” Neil yelled.
We snuck out the back of the old folks home as the sound of police sirens grew closer.
“Sweet… I was right… they do already have a mall Santa…,” Neil said. Oh sweet jebus what could he be doing now.
We made our way to a back room where the mall Santa was getting dressed. Neil predictably attacked the man from behind and tied him up. “Leave him like that… it’ll be fun later,” he said. I didn’t even want to think about what he possibly meant.
He started putting on the costume and headed out to the mall.
He made his way to the food court where the set was, as kids were lining up to take pictures with Santa.
Maybe he does have a heart afterall, I thought. My optimism quickly faded. Neil proceeded to take each kid on his lap and drop a bombshell that ruined their young lives……
I couldn’t believe this. No man could possibly be this terrible, this cowardly, this heinous!
But it got worse. So much worse…
Neil changed back into his Senators uniform. He wanted a drink but I told him he had to use his hands since this version of Ottawa has no Cups.
By now it was getting dark. He said a NHL referee lived nearby and it was his young daughter’s birthday party.
“The other day this guy kept putting me in the box for all my cheap shots. Who does that!?!?!,” Neil cried. “I’ll show him. Come on!”
The referee and his family were outside around a bonfire cutting cake when we got there. The girl could not have been any older than four. Surely… Neil wouldn’t ruin her party, would he?!
The girl opened a box to discover her dad had bought two kittens for her! She excitedly begain to pet them as Neil ran over. I had no time to stop him… and neither did the ref.
He picked up the kittens and… oh god, I can’t even say it.
I couldn’t take it anymore… this had to stop. I called a man I knew could stop this horrible excuse for a man. I called Milan F’ing Lucic. He was there quicker than Neil turtles in a fight. Lucic said no words… he let his fists do the talking…..
Lucic hit Neil so far he reverted back to his original form and crawled away.
My horrid day was over. I mourned the loss of my fallen cat brethren and took a dump on Chris Neil’s mom while she slept. I felt a little better.
However, all the stories were confirmed true. Chris Neil is one of the most cowardly, wussy, despicable human beings not just in the NHL but in the world. His wife must be disgusted going to bed with him every night. How a man lives with himself knowing he would have trouble beating up a newborn if he attacked him head on baffles me. Chris Neil, you suck.
This is Patrice Purrgeron signing off! Screw you Chris Neil!