Patrice Purrgeron and the Raiders of the Lost Heart

Patrice Purrgeron and the Raiders of the Lost Heart

 

I’m sure most of you have noticed the absence of Patrice Purrgeron around here lately. Several of you even wrote in to complain. Good to know he is loved.

Purrgeron is certainly not gone, rather he was simply on a mission. During Days of Y’Orr staff meetings and pizza nights, Patrice Purrgeron often complained about the Bruins lack of heart this season, often saying he’s left better looking things in dried up clumps in his litter box. Eventually his cat like curiosity got the best of him and he set off on a mission.

A mission… to find the Bruins heart.

Purrgeron wanted to know where it went and what he could do about it. He vowed not to return until he had found it. He searched far and wide, leaving no stone unturned. He even had some help from an old friend. He returns today to tell you his miraculous story.

After the jump, Patrice “Indiana” Purrgeron goes on a quest to find some black and gold heart…..

The Bruins have not been bad this season. But they certainly haven’t been great. As fans you’ve laid down your money for tickets, bought overpriced jerseys in the Pro Shop, and paid $20 for a coke and half a slice of pizza between periods. And how have you been rewarded? Lazy, heartless efforts and a refusal by many of the Bruins to rise to the occasion. Quite simply, this time has no heart.

So I went to find it. This is my story.

Patrice Purrgeron and the Raiders of the Lost Heart

 

Have this playing in your background full the full effect


   

I had heard a rumor that the Bruins Heart was stolen and was located in the outskirts of a town called Bostonesia. I traveled to the small town and tried to talk to some of the locals.

One local boy told me of a rumor of a temple that housed a great treasure. The temple was supposed to be just a few miles outside of town and was said to be guarded by a fearsome bear and full of terrible traps. Perhaps the rumors I had heard were true….

Some of the locals had also warned me of a vicious tribe said to block the way to the temple. I was told they were fond of attacking from behind and then scampering into the night like weasels. They were known as the “Pansy Douchebag Tribe” but I didn’t care. I had to follow the rumors and try to find the temple.

I set out through the forest, eager to find more clues. I saw some smoke rising up over the trees and slowly made my way to its source. I eventually came to a clearing where I saw what appeared to be burning straw figures with “Lucic” and “Boychuk” and “Thornton” jerseys.

Suddenly, I was attacked from behind by one of the tribesmen!

I turned around just in time to meet the man face to face and he began to run away. I threw a right, striking his wussy face.

Ladies and gentleman, Patrice Purrgeron is….. tougher than Kaleta

I was outnumbered, which seemed to make the tribe braver. I saw “men” that appeared to be Mike Komisarek and Chris Neil charging at me with pitchforks. I jumped on one of their horses and rode away as they cried and made out with each other.

In the distance I saw what appeared to be a temple….perhaps I had found it!?!?

I jumped off my stallion and approached the temple cautiously. From the bottom of the steps, I heard a bone chilling roar. The rumors I had heard were starting to become true….

Slightly frightened but determined, I headed up the stairs and began looking for the Bruins Heart. The temple looked like it had claimed its fair share of victims, as skeletons with faces frozen with terrified looks littered the ground.

I continued on, ever weary of potential traps. However, I was not careful enough…. I stepped on a false floor and fell into a pit of snakes!

Luckily the Carcillo snakes did not have any teeth and were unable to bite me, but they did continually try to throw me into the wall after I threw them into the wall. Guess these snakes can’t take what they give. Whatever. 

I used my trusty whip to get myself out of the pit and strolled deeper into the temple. I got the feeling I was being watched and thought I heard footsteps. I spun around, convinced someone was behind me… but saw nothing.

Then… I heard it again…. that terrible roar coming from behind me. I turned once more to come face-to-face with a ferocious bear. I felt like I had seen him somewhere before…..

Yes…. it was him. We had done battle previously! The bear stood before me, blocking the path to my ultimate prize. I knew the only way to my goal…. was through the bear. Perhaps this was a test!

He charged at me, but I managed to avoid his swipes like Daniel Paille misses a breakaway attempt and then cracked my whip, nailing the bear like Johnny Boychuk nails those foolish enough to approach him in the neutral zone. At last, I had him near the edge of the ledge and readied my final strike!

I swung with all my might… but the bear grabbed my whip… and pulled me down with him! I hung on for dear life as the bear plummet into the dark abyss below. I had defeated my foe…. for now. The path to my prize seemed cleared. I pulled myself back up and ventured on…. to try to claim the Bruins Heart….

I followed a candle lit path to a room full of treasure. I could not believe my eyes. Much to my surprise I noticed an old knight sitting in the middle of the room, guarding something I could not see. I was unsure if he was friend or foe and approached the iron clad warrior with the utmost caution…

As I approached the knight, I immediately felt as though I was in the presence of a legend… a god. Surely he would know where the Bruins Heart was and could hopefully help me obtain it….

Slowly, he fixed his gaze upon me and and as his face left the shadows for the dim candle light before him I froze. It was him! The one man who epitomized what it meant to be a hockey player… a Boston Bruin. The one man truly worth of guarding what I was seeking… it was…. Bobby Orr.

“I’ve been expecting you,” he said. “I need you to give the Bruins something for me. Something they’ve been lacking. Something they’ll need if they hope to restore the glory of this franchise. But you must hurry…. for their time is short!”

I was speechless in his presence. He pointed to a hallway behind him; I knew what I had to do. “I must stay here,” he said. “But go. I will be watching over the Bruins from here. Hopefully they can make us proud….”

I walked through the corridor and looked back as a rock wall slowly closed behind me. I turned back and, in the distance, saw a glowing heart shaped object with the Bruins logo…. I had found it!

I was awestruck by it’s beauty and tenacity, but things were falling apart back home in the city of Boston and I knew I had to get it back to the Bruins as soon as possible. I grabbed the Bruins Heart. As I neared the exit the temple began to rumble. This couldn’t be good….

Suddenly, a large boulder dropped from the ceiling and began to roll towards me. Great.

I ran faster than Komisarek runs from a fight and managed to jump through the door as the boulder crashed behind me. I got back on my steed and galloped straight for the airport.

I returned to Boston straightaway, eager to give the Bruins their heart. I arrived at the TD Garden and gave it to the players. What happens next is up to them.

 

Thanks Patrice. Sorry about that whole boulder thing. And the snake thing. And getting attacked by a bear again. Glad to have you back though. We appreciate the effort dude.

This is Days of Y’Orr signing off for Patrice Purrgeron. You stay classy Boston Bruins fans.

About Jon

Jon loves Batman, The Joker, the Bruins and hates you. Especially you. He has a man crush on David Backes and hopes to someday be Mrs. Jon Boychuk.

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