Throughout the series against the Flyers, one can’t help but notice the cheap, cowardly tactics of no talent hack Daniel Carcillo. He gives hockey players a bad name. Hell, he gives goons a bad name. But there is a greater tradition whose storied history is at stake. Days of Y’Orr field man Patrice Purr-geron has the story. We now take you live to Patrice.
The Mustache. A time honored NHL tradition. Some of the greatest players and enforcers in NHL history have sported epic mustaches. The mustache is revered and, in some cultures, worshiped. That hairy upper lip is a badge of honor. But there is one man destroying the great legacy of the NHL mustache wearer.
Daniel Carcillo is a hockey player by profession, but not a hockey player by definition or talent. He is known to run around the ice hitting people from behind, taking cheap shots once the ref steps between him and another player and embellishing and diving every time a player even breathes on him. His antics are disgusting. We asked great mustaches in NHL history what they thought of this ruffian.
“Vomit inducing,” said Lanny McDonald’s mustache when asked how he felt about Daniel Carcillo’s play. “Back in my day, if you had a problem with another mustache, your mustache skated right up to that player and let him know face to face how you felt. And if you couldn’t resolve your hairy disputes with words, you dropped the ‘stache and brawled. We didn’t drop to the ice and cover our faces to draw calls. We didn’t hit other mustaches from behind. Our mustaches were men.” “If he played in my day, me and Gary Roberts would’ve shaved his mustache on the ice. We wouldn’t stand for that sort of crap.”
Lanny’s ‘stache wasn’t alone with this sentiment. Next, we asked current NHL tough guy, George Parros’ mustache.
“Most cowardly, pansy mustache I’ve ever seen. And I went to Princeton. That should tell you something,” Parros’ mustache said.
“Shawn Thornton had a problem with my mustache during a game at the TD Garden last year. He didn’t run, or dive. He walked right up to my mustache and took it on. We faced Thornton face to face. He actually tried to rip me off Parros’ face. But a true, tough mustache is resilient. Hopefully Thornton will rip Carcillo’s mustache off and end this.”
But it wasn’t just players that felt disgraced by Carcillo and his mustache’s tactics. Announcer Bill Clement was nice enough to call us back and give us his take.
“I can’t even bring myself to talk about his mustache during games. It is disgraceful,” Clement’s mustache told Days of Y’Orr. “I don’t let my kids watch Flyers games anymore. My son’s upper lip wants to have a mustache when he grows up. He tells me that everyday. But when you turn on the TV and see what Carcillo’s mustache is doing, how can you let your kid’s upper lip see that? That is not the type of mustache a young upper lip should idolize or want to be. It’s terrible.”
“F***ing sickening. G** damn disgrace,” Snepsts told me at his spacious Mustache Estate. “You know why Olympic divers don’t have mustache’s? Because mustaches don’t f***ing dive! That’s why! This punk is a g** damn coward. I’m surprised to hear Clement’s kid’s upper lip still wants a mustache. Kids these days don’t want mustaches anymore. Carcillo has ruined that for them. A mustache used to be a symbol of honor and toughness. Thanks to this disease ridden c**k bag, the mustache is now a symbol of cowardice and hepatitis.”
“This supposed tough guy picks on Marc Savard? Yeah real tough. What’s next? He gonna go to a cancer ward and bully those kids?!”
“I almost had to give up ref-ing because of this a**hole,” McCreary’s mustache said. “I am supposed to be unbiased. I am a ref. And as we all know, I have an excellent track record. But this fool is just such a wuss that I am constantly tempted to just eject him so I don’t have to see that sorry excuse of a ‘stache.”
“Whenever I see him fall to the ice pretending to be hurt, I want to give him a five minute major for being a butt pirate.”
Finally, we asked Toronto great Wendel Clark’s mustache. He too was bitter, but defiant.
“I didn’t work that hard all those years so that some classless, talentless douche could ruin our great legacy,” said Clark’s mustache. “It took years to perfect these handlebars. I was a pioneer. He won’t get away with this. Some day soon, mustaches across the NHL are going to rise up and really give this s**t stain a reason to fall to the ice and cry. Handlebars for life mother f***er!!!”
Thank you Patrice Purr-geron. Compelling and rich. Will we see you back at the Days of Y’Orr headquarters later?
Thanks Patrice. There you have it folks. The tradition is not what is used to be, but the pioneers will never give up. If you are a mustache, stand up and be proud. Rebel against Carcillo and his cowardly mustache. And hopefully the Bruins sweep that mustache off the ice.
Signing off from the Days Of Y’Orr news room. Until next time.