On Wednesday, season ticket holders received an email “from” Cam Neely regarding his promotion to president of the Boston Bruins. The email contained a “letter” that sounded mostly genuine, especially since we don’t think Mr. Neely Cam would let someone write a letter for him. But puck buddy Greg Ezell tipped us off that perhaps the PR department may have altered the letter. We need to be sure. We sent the one man we knew could find the truth. We sent Days of Y’Orr field reporter Patrice Purr-geron to investigate. Unlike Blake Wheeler on the power play, Patrice Purr-geron delivers. We now bring you live for a special Patrice -Purrgeron report.
He’s a complicated man.
Thanks guys. When I went in search of the real Cam Neely letter, I had no idea what I was in for. After the jump, I bring you my telling story….. I had anticipated the Bruins offices being slow, considering everyone was probably still out partying with Cam. But you can never be too careful. I had the Days of Y’Orr helicopter drop me off on the roof of the TD Garden. The roof was littered with boxes of un-sold Phil Kessel and Derek Morris jerseys labeled “Mistakes!” However, there was absolutely no security. My cat senses were tingling. But I pressed on. After crawling around in vents for awhile and eating random mice, my schematics told me I was just above Cam’s office. I carefully lowered myself to his computer. His password, FuckUlf, was easy enough to guess. I didn’t even have to use my sweet hacking skills.
I opened his email….and there it was! The original copy of Neely’s letter with edits by the PR department! As I read the manuscript, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing… they completely censored Cam! I printed out what I needed and got ready to go back to the helicopter… little did I know I was in for a world of hurt. My cat senses were right! Neely’s office was guarded by a bear! The very same bear they show on the Jumbotron during powerplays! He cut my line as I fell to the floor. He chased me through the building as I desperately fought my way outside! I saw a man at a stop light in his SUV. I have played a lot of Grand Theft Auto and knew just what to do! I threw that bitch out of his car and sped off towards my rendezvous point with the Days of Y’Orr staff, letter still in hand. I looked into my rear view mirror and saw a terrifying sight…
Bear is driving?! How can that be?!
This bear was relentless. I stopped for a moment to wonder if it was Boychuk in disguise. But Boychuk smiles. This bear did not. He chased me through the streets of Boston, destroying everything is his path. Unfortunately Michael Ryder was home for the summer. Suddenly I was hit! My SUV flipped! I was in trouble!
Is this the end of Patrice Purr-geron!
The chase continued on foot. I could hear the helicopter in the distance. I knew I was close, but the bear was right behind me! Suddenly the ghost of Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke to me…. he told me to…. get to the chopper!
I ran with all my might, but the bear cornered me! I thought it was over… the real letter would never be seen and I would be a bear treat. But the Days of Y’Orr staff found me! They slowed the bear with the helicopter guns as I ran to safety!
We’re glad he’s safe.
The chopper picked me up a short way down the street. Myself, and the letter, were safe and the ordeal was over. We’re still not sure if the bear survived. Jerk. The real Neely letter is littered with raw emotion… and swearing. We now show you What Cam Neely actually wrote, complete with PR department edits and notes. You can see the letter season ticket holders received here.
There you go Bruins fans. Patrice Purr-geron always gets his man. Or in this case… his letter! Until next time. Same Purr-geron time. Same Purr-geron channel.