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Welcoming Tyler Seguin: A How To Guide

As training camp nears, fan and media anticipation for Tyler Seguin heightens everyday. The Days of Y’Orr staff came across a rumor that the Bruins were preparing a series of “How To” guides for the young forward in an effort to help him adjust to playing hockey in the NHL, especially media-heavy Boston.

We sent field reporter Patrice Purr-geron to investigate the rumors. As always, the man came through.The Bruins are in fact preparing a guide for Seguin. Mr. Purr-geron managed to obtain a copy and now we will share it with you.

Today, Days of Y’Orr presents you Part 1 of a three part series.

“Complete Bruins Guide To: Dealing with Fans and the Media!”

We now bring you to Patrice Purrgeron.

He needs a new suit.

….especially when playing for a team that hasn’t won a championship since 1972. Sometimes pressure can weigh a player down. The Bruins apparently wanted to get ahead of that and wrote a series of handy guides to help acclimate Seguin to the harsh conditions playing for a Boston sports team brings. Except for the Boston Lobsters. No one cares about tennis.

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Why is a giant red dong allowed near children?!

After the jump, I’ll show you the guide the Bruins gave to Seguin to help him deal with crazy media and rabid fans.

When we were first presented with the rumors, myself and the Days of Y’Orr staff were in disbelief. I laughed at the notion and even wrote about it in my journal later that night!

But my job as a reporter is to investigate. Not only did I confirm the existence of these guides but they were then surprisingly easy to obtain, a stark contrast to my last adventure trying to obtain official Bruins documents.

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Look at him go…

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VICTORY!

Bam. We had the guides. Enjoy.

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Welcome to Boston Tyler!

Tyler,

Welcome to the Bruins and congrats on not having to go to the Toronto Maple Leafs. They win Cups less often than us! Can you believe that?! Besides, you can’t have more than one testicle if you want to play up there.

We thought we’d provide you with these handy guides to help you adjust and be better prepared for the upcoming season.

Remember, we’re expecting 60 goals and 100+ points out of you! Ha, just kidding little buddy. But the fans aren’t. Seriously. They’re nuts. Enjoy the guides and if you have any questions be sure to call.

Thanks,

GM Peter Chiarelli.

Chapter 1: Dealing with the Media

You would be well served to avoid reading anything about yourself if at all possible. But since that temptation is hard, here’s a few tips for you.

Certain writers from a certain place, let’s call it the Goston Blobe, will write articles about you that seem to employ absolutely no logic at all. If you do not score any points for two or three games, they’ll begin to write about how the team is shopping you because of your lack of production. But then if you start tearing it up and score 50 goals they’ll talk about how they believed in you all along.

If you have a major concussion and simply take a pre-game skate to begin getting your legs back for a later comeback, some writers (let’s call him Kevin Paul Dupont) will 100% guarantee that you are coming back that night and will score at least five goals… especially if they have three names and are wrong at least 98% of the time.

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We just miss Rob Van Dam and wanted to work him into a post.

Try not to do anything embarrassing or hang out with Andrew Ference. We kinda regret bringing him back. Martin Brodeur’s backup gets more ice time in a season than Ference.

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Even Abe Vigoda is less brittle than Ference.

If you get injured at all… a broken leg, a hang nail… these writers will immediately begin writing articles about whether or not you’re actually injured and will make up these false fantasy articles where the locker room hates you and there is friction. They will cite their “sources” which include a homeless dude and the Hamburglar. This will inevitably piss you off enough where you eventually request a trade out of town. The same writers will then write articles about why the Bruins should not have traded you and you were a great locker room guy.

You should basically get used to hearing stories about yourself and the team that are not even remotely true, but are covered for about 10 days straight while these writers come up with asinine theories and then get mad at you for the stories THEY created despite the fact that none of it is actually true. Just light up a doobie and relax. Wait no, don’t do that… *wink wink*

If anyone asks for an interview, just do what Tuukka does and pretend you don’t speak English that well.

Also,  you should get used to being ignored by anyone on talk radio who isn’t Toucher and Rich. Even if you’re in the middle of a Stanley Cup run, writers, sports talk show hosts, etc will spend 10% of their time talking about you and 90% of their time wondering if that’s a new jock strap in Josh Beckett’s pants or if he’s just happy to see you. Baseball owns this city despite being incredibly boring. But sleep well at night knowing that you’re playing for a chance at the greatest trophy in the history of sports, and baseball players are sitting on the bench with sore vaginas.

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Screw the Red Sox, it’s almost Hockey Season!!!

Chapter 2: Bloggers…. ugh… mother f-ing bloggers

There are also ton of bloggers in Boston. A ton. Here’s just a small sampling: Something’s Bruin, theBruinsBlog.net, Stanley Cup of Chowder,The Hub of Hockey, The Hockey Blog Adventure and those dicks at Days of Y’Orr who will make poorly done Photoshops of you. Seriously. They’re assholes. Just look at this shit:

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You totally have nicer legs than that.

And their best reporter is a goddamn cat…

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Suits so fine he makes Don Cherry look like a hobo!

If you’re lucky, you’ll never run across a blogger. Sadly, they’re everywhere, lurking in the bushes, drinking their Mountain Dew, playing D&D in their parent’s basement and surfing the web for any rumor, no matter how retarded and spreading it. It’s sickening. Some are already asking if you’re a Savior or Scapegoat.

In fact, you’ll probably notice we sent you a complimentary t-shirt. One would think a Boston Bruins tee would be more… politically correct, but we think this shirt is more appropriate for this day in age.

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Some of the less informed bloggers who consider themselves experts will start comparing you to superstar players for no reason at all. They’ll put up stats about how you’re 50 points behind Crosby or Ovechkin in the points race and then say you suck because you’re not keeping pace. Feel free to pummel this group with your hockey stick. We’ll blame it on your youthful aggression and send Shawn Thornton to their house for a “settlement” meeting at which point they’ll refuse to press charges and say they got the black eye in a pick up basketball game.

No matter how you do this season, whether you score 20 points or 120 points, expect a series of “Sophomore Slump” articles about you next year. Also expect these same articles to talk about how it will be a “make or break” year in your career despite that fact that you’ll barely be 20.

Bloggers will also cite “sources” but their sources include their mom and their dog (e3).

Bloggers, more often than not, are fans more than they are writers and will build you up so high before you even play that you will never live up to their expecations. If you don’t get a hat trick your first game they will likely run to the intranets to make posts about how you are a bust, just like Joe Thornton. Sorry buddy. People love to overreact in this city!

Chapter 3: The Fans

We do have a large group of very dedicated, knowledgable fans. But like any fan base we also have idiots by the barrell full!

Get used to fans talking and writing about how you should be more like Cam Neely. No matter what you’re playing style is (grinder, enforcer, finesse scorer, defenseman, etc) people will bitch about how you’re not getting 50 goals and 1,000 hits per season like Neely. Just ignore them. They fail to understand the fact that despite how awesome Neely was, not every player is going to be or should be like him. These same fans will eventually call into the Sportshub saying you should be traded for someone tougher even if you have already scored 30 goals.

Despite all the yelling you’ll hear from the crowd, the 17,000+ people out there are not coaches, despite what they think. No matter where you are on the ice they will constantly yell “Shoooooooooot! Shoooooooooooot you moron!!!” even if you are in the neutral zone. Or on the bench. It’s weird, but just ignore it.

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We have actually seen this happen at a game. Idiots.

Much like some of the writers if you do not score for a few games, fans will begin calling the SportsHub constantly and talking about how you are a bum and how the Bruins should’ve drafted Taylor Hall instead even though he was drafted before you. They will then also call GM Peter Chiarelli an idiot for not offering Rask, Krejci and the Bruins #2 overall pick for the Oilers #1 so they could grab Hall, completely ignoring the fact that you’re only a teen and that trading the entire team for one player will not win games. Plus Hall threw out Bobby Orr’s name and everyone got a boner over him. You never really stood a chance after that.

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Never let your guard down with the fans. They are incredibly fickle. You have a good year, they’ll be talking about how you’re the best Bruin ever and the GM should do everything possible to sign you regardless of the cost. But then if you’re injured the next season or have a down year like the rest of the team those same fans will complain endlessly about how you’re overpaid, demand the team trade you and then say the GM was an idiot for signing you. Noticing a pattern here?

Tim Thomas and fans at the end of 2009:

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It was all downhill from here.

Tim Thomas and fans at the end of 2010:

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Why does he wear his equipment in public?

That is basically how things work here. One day you’re the toast of the town. The next day you’re the worst player ever. Boston fans and media flip flop more than Brett Favre. But don’t worry, they don’t send as many dick pics to your phone as he does. Hopefully all of this is making sense for you Tyler. When you’re finished, please start reading the second guide about learning from your teammates.

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The Bruins are right on the money describing this city’s media and fans. Hopefully Tyler is ready for it. Next time, we’ll have part 2 of the guide, where Tyler will learn lessons from current and former Bruins “stars.” Until next time, this is Patrice Purr-geron signing off!

About Jon

Jon loves Batman, The Joker, the Bruins and hates you. Especially you. He has a man crush on David Backes and hopes to someday be Mrs. Jon Boychuk.

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