What if….

The end of the hockey season is depressing. Not only because hockey is gone for months, but because people have nothing better to do than write articles that decrease your brain cells when you read them.

First there was an article discussing why it would be a good idea for the Bruins to trade their #2 overall pick to Carolina for a package involving Chad LaRose. Yeah. We’re not even going to bother linking to that shit. No one should have to read it.

We came across one today that well… we won’t say it’s stupid. But more the concept.

Personally, we just don’t like this kind of stuff. An article was posted on NHL.com discussing how Peter Forsberg was offered a deal in March, and briefly discusses “What if Forsberg had signed?”

Would the addition of Peter Forsberg have catapulted the Philadelphia Flyers to even greater heights this season? The thought of inserting the five-time NHL All-Star and two-time Stanley Cup champion into the lineup certainly begs the question. In fact, it almost happened.

If the Flyers had Forsberg… we’re betting our cars, small bank accounts and girlfriends that the Chicago Blackhawks would still have the Cup today.

We’re not criticizing the writer here. More the concept. More of this type of stuff is bound to crop up, and become increasingly stupid, as the off-season wears on. At least this guy did his homework.

In the coming weeks you’ll probably hear more stuff like “What if Montreal wasn’t so tired,” “What if the Bruins had even a little heart,” “What if Marc-Andre Fleury tried to resemble an NHL goalie this postseason.” The list goes on and on.

What if’s are stupid. They don’t matter. So we got inspired.

After the jump, we discuss more of these burning “What If” questions……

What if Jack Edwards read a history book?

Can Jack even read?

234 years go yesterday, a bunch of rag tag farmers stood up against the greatest fighting force in the world. And today school children in Massachusetts had Patriot’s Day off because of that. Well, a bunch of modern day Bostonians have turned back hockey’s royalty and they have sent their faithful on a red coated retreat to the exits!

Yes, Jack. A Bruins first round sweep is equivalent to the Revolutionary War. Not only does Jack need an American History book, he needs an NHL history book.

One first round series sweep does not make up for the years upon years that the Canadiens made the Bruins their bitch. The number 1 seeded Bruins thrashed the #8 seeded Canadiens, and that is apparently just as big an event as Americans rising up against the British. Hmmm. George Washington is pissed. We think. We dunno. Always has the same expression in pictures.

What if Jack Edwards read a history book? He probably wouldn’t have equated a major moment in US history to a first round hockey game.

What if Canada decided curling was a better sport?

What if there was no Olympic goal either?!

For once the incredibly talented Sidney Crosby’s incredibly boring interviews would seem commonplace. I mean, curling has to be one of the most boring “sports” in the entire world.  Watching curling while waiting for Olympic hockey to come on ranks up there as some of the worst moments we’ve had as sports fans this year.

Do you have insomnia? Throw on some curling clips. You’ll have the best nights sleep of your life. Or kill yourself. But either way you’ll be asleep.

But imagine having NHL goal like celebrations during a curling event? Imagine Sidney Crosby expertly brushing the ice as that big curling rock soars down the ice, and lands perfectly in the center and then Crosby exploding in a fit of joy and jubilation like he did at the Olympics as the crowd is awakened by the sounds of his screaming and wonders what the hell is going on.

If you’re being pestered by some girl at a bar and you want her to go away, tell her you’re a professional curler and she’ll be gone faster than the Sharks in the playoffs. Hmm… that joke doesn’t really apply anymore, does it?

We could see Carcillo sweeping the ice. We always thought he’d make a better janitor than hockey player anyway.

What if Marc Savard could count?

We kid Savard, we kid. We love you.

Let’s take you through this one more time… actually, let’s not.

We all know what BS happened. Savard had a concussion setback that set up Simon Gagne’s game winner, completing the Flyers rally and a Bruins epic collapse.

Fingers were pointed at Savard. Perhaps he spent too much time shopping for those dumb ass Ed Hardy t-shirts and not enough time watching Sesame Street and learning how to count from… the Count.

But what if Savard knew how to count?

Maybe Gagne would not have scored that goal. Maybe the Bruins would have gone on to face the Canadiens and eventually play for the Cup. Eh, probably not. The Flyers wanted it. The Bruins didn’t. They would’ve blown that game eventually the way they were playing. Savard just saved us fans the trouble of getting our hopes up in an overtime.

But what if Savard did know how to count? We’ll never know.

What if Carcillo had teeth?

We still hate this guy…

Carcillo is an angry, angry man. If another player even breaths on him in a game, he goes nuts and goes after the other player. There has to be a source for his anger and rage!

Turns out years of torment have made him the way he is. Other players, and even some of his own teammates, like to tease Carcillo about his missing front teeth and all the yummy yummy snacks they can enjoy that he can’t.

When Carcillo was a wee little lad, he was reportedly a very good natured kid with a deep love for apples. Absolutely loved them. But then one day in a terrible taffy accident Carcillo lost his teeth. Some say it was a hockey injury, but Carcillo isn’t a hockey player so we doubt the validity of that statement.

After the accident, he went mad. He couldn’t eat an apple without a friend helping him start it out. Because murder and assault are often illegal, he decided to don a pair of skates and take out his rage against NHL players. What a cold, cruel world.

If Carcillo had teeth he might be doing something other than “playing hockey”, which would be better for everyone.

What if Gary Bettman wasn’t NHL commissioner?

Crazy bastard…

Well, he’d probably be running a small country and trying to move them to places no one wants.

After refusing to give up on Phoenix after poor attendance numbers, or saying that he’d rather expand the NHL further than move a team away from Atlanta, Bettman turned his attention to world expansion.

After watching the first Mighty Ducks movie and recalling the “success” of naming an NHL team after a movie, Bettman turned his attention to the Congo.

“Love the talking ape in that movie! Hilarious stuff! And you can’t lose with Ernie Hudson! He was my favorite Ghost Buster! So really need a team there!”

What an idiot.

What if Blake Wheeler knew how big he was?

He feels like a big man!

On the Bruins website Blake Wheeler is listed at 6’5″ and 205 lbs. He’s probably heavier than that. You would think a guy his size would know how to throw a hit. Win a corner battle. Go to the front of the net. Muscle around much smaller defensemen.

But Blake Wheeler does none of those things. At 5’10″ and 183 lbs, Vladimir Sobotka throws more hits than Wheeler.

But if Wheeler knew how big he was, perhaps he would become a big jerk. He’d probably run down to the beach and start stomping on sand castles. Or go to the Smurf’s village and ruin all their houses. Or use the potty like a big boy.

Maybe he’d make Sobotka sit on his shoulder and act like a parrot. Who knows. I think we’d rather have that Wheeler than the one we have now though… but what if?

What if Peter Chiarelli pays for Wheeler’s “potential”

This happening gives us nightmares…..

We don’t have to ask this question yet… but it’s a real possibility. I know we keep harping on this here… but look at the Ference deal. Or the Ryder deal. Or to a lesser degree, the Lucic deal.

Seems like Mr. Chiarelli likes to pay for what he thinks a player may be, rather than what the player is. And right now Blake Wheeler is a guy who doesn’t know how to use his size or skills on a regular basis to be effective.

But he’s young. Was a top 10 pick. Had a good rookie season. All reasons Chiarelli may break the proverbial bank for Wheeler. Or at least give him $1-2 million more a year than he deserves based on his play.

What if the NHL didn’t jump the shark?

Thank Jesus these commercials are done!

The NHL’s History Will Be Made commercials were great… at first. They had ones with Lemieux, Yzerman, Orr, Bourque.

But once they started making ones for Halak and Hartnell… they jumped the shark faster than Fonzie and Happy Days. It seemed like every day the NHL was releasing a new one. Some of the fan made ones were hilarious. But the NHL ones seemed like they were trying to compare small moments in a game to actual great NHL moments.

Any “History Will Be Made” commercial that was made for any team other than the Blackhawks is now more useless than Michael Ryder. Way to take a great concept and completely kill it NHL.

And now with the announcement of two outdoor games next year, we’ll once again be wondering “what if the NHL didn’t run great concepts into the ground?”

About Jon

Jon loves Batman, The Joker, the Bruins and hates you. Especially you. He has a man crush on David Backes and hopes to someday be Mrs. Jon Boychuk.

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