Why You Should Vote Thorts, Horts and Stuchuk 2011


The leaderboard list came out today for the NHL All-Star Game ballot and we must say… we were terribly disappointed. Boychuk was there, although with not nearly enough votes. Horton’s practically invisible.

Carey Price was ahead of Tim Thomas in the voting. Even that Bobrodkfjadakfal guy from Philly was ahead of Thomas.

And there was no Thornton.

You see that Boston fans? Even Philly fans know how how to turn on a computer and vote. Are you going to let that happen? Let guys from Philly and Montreal finish ahead of the Bruins? Are you going to sit there and NOT vote for Shawn Thornton? After all he’s done for the community?

We previously called to the fans to cast their votes and now we need you again!

We realized that perhaps you did not have enough information to make an informed decision when it comes to voting. So we decided to follow the Thorts and Horts campaign around to show you just how hard they are working.

After the jump… why a vote for Thorts and Horts is a vote for good… and why voting for some others is a vote for eating babies…..



Why should you, the voter, cast your vote up to 30 times a day for your beloved Bruins? After you see these photos, you’ll know.

Shawn Thornton is a community leader, putting the wellness and safety for those around him ahead of his own. During the recent BP oil spill in the gulf, Thornton led Horton and Boychuk down to the gulf to help clean up and save some poor, innocent animals.


So kind. So caring. So awesome. But their kindness doesn’t stop there.

Recently Thornton and Horton were found at a Habitat for Humanity site on one of their few precious days off, bringing supplies and helping the workers build houses for those less fortunate than themselves.


When they were done for the day, they took some local kids to the beach for a day of fun and swimming! They met Johnny Boychuk there and he had candy and slush puppies for everyone! But the day wasn’t all fun. Two local ladies were out in their boat when they were attacked by a shark!

The brave and valiant Johnny Boychuk sprung into action, unafraid of the shark’s massive jaws. At great risk to his own health, Boychuk swam out to their boat and defeated the menacing shark.


If that wasn’t enough, on the way home Johnny Boychuk saw a little girl standing by the side of the road crying her little eyes out. Boychuk stopped to ask her what was wrong. She said her poor kitten was stuck up a tree. Without hesitation, Boychuk picked up a fire truck, put it next to the tree and resued the little girl’s kitty cat.


The ever competitive Mark Stuart decided to try to one up Boychuk and he rescued a mean, nasty cat from Antartica!


Then he went to visit sick kids. What a guy.


One day last week, Thornton and Horton were at practice and Thornton was helping Horton work on his shot. They heard a near by conversation between two of the Bruins PR reps about an escaped orangutan wreaking havoc in downtown Boston.

Thorton and Horton immediately left the ice and at great peril apprehended the vicious beast themselves. Just for you Boston. Thorts and Horts… keeping the streets safe!

These are just a few of the things the Thornton led Bruins are doing every day for Boston. Repay them with a simple vote. That is all you need to do.

If you are thinking about casting your vote for some of the jokes on the ballot like Sean Avery or Chad LaRose or Carey Price… well, we have a few reasons you shouldn’t.

While Thornton and the Bruins boys like to help kids, Carey Price was recently seen giving cigarettes to 5th graders! What a jerk.


Is this the type of person you want representing you at the All-star game?

Chad LaRose of the Carolina Hurricanes has more votes than Thornton and Horton. That’s right… Carolina fans who love Nascar and are just discovering computers have voted more than Boston fans.

still_hate_lincolnPhoto courtesy of The Pensblog

Chad LaRose once threw the Stanley Cup off a bridge. You heard us. Picked it up over his head and tossed it into the ocean.


Shawn Thornton was there that day. He punched out LaRose and then dove in to retrieve the Cup. That’s just what kind of guy Shawn Thornton is.


Yes, even Sean Avery has more votes than Shawn Thornton, Nathan Horton and Stuchuk. The guy can’t even play hockey. He spends more time making purses than he spends playing hockey and he’s one of the biggest pansies in NHL history. And worse… he eats babies. Loves ’em. Puts them on bread and eats them. A vote for Sean Avery is a vote for baby cannibalism.



Instead of voting for a couple of assholes like Ovechkin and Semin, vote for Thornton, Horton, Boychuk or Stuart. Why? Because they don’t beat children. Just like when they’re on the ice, Ovechkin and Semin like to try to start shit with people who are much smaller than them…. like children. They hit children.


Even Phil Kessel has more votes than Thornton, Horton, Boychuk and Stuart. Come on Bruins fans! Not only was he a giant douche but he was also in the movie Gigli. Yup. Phil Kessel starred in one of the worst cinematic atrocities of all time and has more votes.


So vote early, vote often…. Vote Thorts and Horts and Stuchuk.

About Trashboy Jon

Jon loves Batman, The Joker, the Bruins and hates you. Especially you. He has a man crush on David Backes and hopes to someday be Mrs. Jon Boychuk.