Before I get into this, let me state that Jon is a big Pens fan, so I hope that writing this makes him hate me today. I also stole the preview from Pizz because I was challenged to drink my haterade. Consider it drank. Now, the Bruins are heading to Pittsburgh to face off against Sidney Crosby and the high-flying Pens. It’s a shame that this game has to be on NESN because I was really looking forward to the verbal blowjobs Versus would give Sidney Crosby. I thought they were bad with JVR in the playoffs but Pierre McGuire would be swallowing Sideny’s cock n balls like Marc Savard tweeting with the lights dimmed. Nothing finishes a Versus game like McGuire being finished with a mouthful of Crosby’s spunk.
I gotta give it to the Pens though. They’re pretty damn good and have amassed a 16-7-4 record, most of it without their boy wonder. Instead, James Neal has been kicking ass and taking names, pretending to do his best Alexander Ovechkin impression. Sidenote: Alexander Ovechkin can go fuck himself. Everyone and their mothers were touching their tender lady parts over that picture of that dirty caveman and his new “queen”. The reason he calls her a queen? Because she has a tree trunk under her pants bigger than his. Proven fact: Russians love trannys. Don’t get shim anywhere near Joe Corvo though.
Didn’t make it, but too good to not use. So whoever did, thanks.
I mean, I can’t really hate on the Pens. I don’t hate them like I do every Northeast Division team, half of the Southwest and the Flyers. When you’re in the same division as the Flyers, you’re bound to be the good guys. That’s not to say that I want to sit on Malkin’s face because they do have their fair share of bad guys. The ultimate NHL heel is Matt Cooke. We all know what Cooke did to Savard. There’s no need to rehash it now.
So what happened the other night against the Crapitals gave every Bruins fan a virtual pants tent. When that rat fuck John Carlson ran that rat fuck Matt Cooke, it was like a head shot from Satan himself. It’s what a believe an abortion would look like, in headshot form. Look, I’m not happy that Cooke was hit in the head. I don’t like those hits, but it’s a little bit of karma for Cookie. What goes around comes around and if you missed the hit, here it is:
So now that Cookie is sitting at a concussions anonymous group with Marc Savard, hugging it out with Bitch Tits Bob, we sent Patrice Purrgeron to Pittsburgh to interview Cookie. Here’s what we found:
But hey, what can you do in Pittsburgh? It’s either play for the Penguins, Pirates or collect change in front of the busted down Circuit City. I mean, Cookie could go work for the nearest basketball team, the Philadelphia 76ers, but to even call them a basketball team is a disgrace to basketball, which in itself is a disgrace to sports in general. Cookie could go work for Penn State, but I’m not sure what his “adult penis to little boy butthole” ratio is and if it’s anywhere under 1, he won’t be welcomed there. Poor Joe Paterno would be spinning his grave with the little boy skeletons on top of him.
But back to the hockey game. If you look at both teams, they scored the same number of goals (85) and the Bruins have allowed fewer than Pittsburgh this season (51 for Boston, 66 for Pittsburgh). The Bruins are 9-0-1 in their last 10 games and busted out the whooping stick on Captain Acne and the Toronto Waffle Leafs. Or Toronto Maple Bolts. Or the Tampa Bay Lightning Leafs. Basically what I’m trying to say is that the Maple Leafs look like the Lightning.
Tonight’s game should be a good one and hopefully a look at what will happen in May. These are the two best teams in the East, fact not opinion, and the Bruins are only 3 points behind the Pens with 3 games in hand.
But don’t worry guys, you’ll always be second in Jagr’s eyes.
After the jump, more previewness...
Projected Roster Milan Lucic-David Krejci-Nathan Horton
Brad Marchand-Patrice Bergeron-Tyler Seguin
Benoit Pouliot-Chris Kelly-Rich Peverley
Daniel Paille-Gregory Campbell-Shawn Thornton
Zdeno Chara-Johnny Boychuk
Dennis Seidenberg-Joe Corvo
Andrew Ference-Adam McQuaid
Do You Know The Enemy?
We love them, except for today, where we just watch from the bushes because it’s gameday.
Game Day Video
MARIO LEMIEUX CAN SUCK IT!