You have the itch. No, not the itch you get from spending the night with a seedy hooker or two at one of the run down motels lined up along Rte 1, but the itch to play hockey on your gaming console. It seems that around this time every year, the hockey community starts getting ready for the newest edition of EA’s “award winning” hockey game. We’re just Dennis Wideman (6) days away from the release!
Sidenote: You know what I hate, when people insert a player’s name to substitute days away from something. People do this with hockey all the time. If we’re 30 days away from the start of the season, someone will write “ZOMG, TIM THOMAS DAYS AWAY”. Go to Operation Sports, go to HFboards, go to Twitter, they all do it. It’s fucking moronic. If I was ever a bank teller and someone wanted thirty dollars withdrawn from their account and said “I would like Tim Thomas dollars, please”, I’d have to strike them in the face repeatedly.
Well you know what, I’m not fucking excited for it at all and this is coming from a guy who has bought every hockey game since EA produced NHLPA 93 for the Sega Genesis.
Yeah, you remember that game right? It had that weird yellow thing on the side, which made it stand out amongst all of my other high quality games like Streets of Rage 4 (yeah, with the kangaroo spitting kangagoo!) and the ever so awesome Sonic the Hedgehog 2. That game had it all man, fighting, blood!, and Jeremy Roenick was a beast. Yeah, a beast. The dude flew up and down the ice with the greatest of ease. I swear, there was one season where I scored 150 goals with him, he was that good. This was before he was crying on TV because he never won the Stanley Cup. I remember the good ole days JR, before you became a sniveling pussy right in front of America’s eyes. What happened to you?
But that was the past and most of you guys reading this may not even remember NHLPA ’93. If you have a Sega Genesis kicking around, go get it. Hell, even download the rom somewhere. It was that good. But onto pressing matters here, the release of NHL 12. I’m sorry, but I can’t allow myself to get excited for this year’s edition of the NHL series. My biggest gripe? There’s no new additions.
Wow, helmets. What this basically comes down to is that the NHL team made some “under the hood adjustments” and that was it. Same ole presentation. Same shitty commentary. I played the demo at length and came away from everything relatively unimpressed. Hey, at least I can be a female in EASHL now! REALISM!
Oh yeah, there’s a list here right?
THE TOP 6 THINGS TO DO WHILE WAITING FOR NHL 12 TO BE RELEASED BEFORE YOU WASTE YOUR $60 ON IT!
6. Play some GOOD games before hand
There’s a shit load of good games coming out between now and December. Gears of war 3 tops my list, but there’s Batman: Arkham City, Battlefield 3, Modern Warefare 3 and that’s just the icing on the cake. This time of year is when publishers and gaming companies produce their A+ material for Christmas. So before you waste your hard earned money on NHL 12, pick up a good game (even if it’s an old one) and play it. Gears of War 2 still has a massive online following, Batman Arkham Asylum is a quality game (and cheap). Madden 12 is the best Madden since Madden 05 for the PS2. NBA 2K11 is, by far, the greatest basketball game ever made (until 2K12 drops). Borderlands was a fantastic grab. With so many good games come out, treat yourself before wasting time with this one!
5. Learn Chinese
America is going down the crapper so polish up on your Chinese because we’ll all be writing those funky symbols come 2020.
4. Learn about ’99’ EASHL glitch
It happens every year, so start early. The NHL development team does such a shitty job with the NHL series that every year some jerkoff finds an exploit to make their EASHL guy a 99. It’s been in existence since NHL 09, when they debuted the EASHL feature. So read up, because two weeks after NHL 12 drops the online play will be nothing but cheese goals, 99 players and large black women with blonde dreadlocks.
3. Watch the Bruins 2011 Stanley Cup DVD and/or Blu Ray
Let’s be honest, this thing never gets old.
2. Google the NHL 12 cover and wonder what the fuck Steven Stamkos is doing
Look at that face! Okay, so here’s what I believe he’s doing.
A. Taking a hot dump
B. He’s cold
C. Eating a snow cone
D. Has brain freeze from eating ice cream to quickly
E. Watching his performance in the 2011 Eastern Conference Finals
AND THE NUMBER 1 THING TO DO WHILE WAITING FOR NHL 12 TO BE RELEASED IS…
Shameless self promotion. Just vote for us. Voting ends on September 9th.