It was love at first sight. Yes, from the very second the two laid their eyes on each other they knew they were destined to be together. Their fairytail romance began with coy flirting during stoppages of play or whenever the younger lover would needlessly elbow someone in the head in an attempt to impress his balding, useless love interest.
Things escalated when the turtle headed announcer began to verbally fellate his young love interest on the air. He was the best captain to EVER PLAY THE GAME EVER Pierre would tell audiences. It did not matter if the Flyers were down by 10 goals or if the apple of his eye, Mike Richards, was again disappearing in the playoffs. All Pierre could do was completely ignore the other team and talk about Mike Richards and the Flyers.
NBC, partially owned by Comcast who also owns the Flyers, gave Pierre a platform to continually profess his love by cotinually letting him cover Flyers games despite the borderline pornographic comments spewing from his mouth despite the fact that Pierre looks like a busted condom whenever he wears a turtle neck.
Finally, Mike Richards couldn’t stand the verbal fellatio anymore and gave into his heart’s greatest desire. During an afternoon game on NBC in late fall, Richards approached Pierre, who was doing his usual “Between Mike Richards’ Ass” segments for NBC. The two locked eyes and without saying a word they embraced and kissed. “Since the invention of the kiss there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind.”
NBC and Versus showed Pierre and Mike’s love allowing it to blossoming before our very eyes.
A week ago today, the two lovers finally made a life long commitment to each other and tied the knot, with the entire event sponsored by NBC and Versus, who are not bias towards the Flyers at all despite being partially owned by Comcast. Nope, not at all.
We were “fortunate” enough to be invited to the wedding and now we bring you exclusive coverage of the Richards-McGuire wedding!
After the jump….. Mike and Pierre wed and we burn your eyes with terrible, terrible photos from the events…..
They could not have asked for a more perfect day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and every hockey fan around the country not from Philadelphia was still busy throwing up from the previous night’s NBC broadcast of a Flyers game.
There was a buzz in the air and the Versus and NBC representatives in attendance all had tears of joy streaming down their face. They knew that the next time Pierre McGuire uttered a phrase like “I wish Richards would check me down to the ice and mount me like a lion!” on an NBC broadcast that it would be as a married woman and hopefully a bit less weird.
They would be wrong.
But anyway, after bleaching his hair again, acting reverend Jeff Carter went to the alter as Pierre McGuire strutted down the aisle towards a beaming Mike Richards. He hadn’t smiled like that since that cheap shot on David Booth. He was a happy man, a proud man, starring at his soon to be wife.
As the nupitals began, the only dry eyes in the house were ours. We thought nothing could be worse than listening to an NBC or Versus broadcast of a Flyers game but this was a million times worse. It was like a billion Pierre McGuire broadcasts rolled into an hour. We contemplated suicide briefly. Then things mercifully began to wrap up.
Pierre and Mike briefly contemplated Carter’s offer but declined. They wanted their first romp as a married couple to be only with each other and they knew there would be plenty of time later to nail Carrot Top’s Hartnell’s wife.
Versus and Pierre McGuire’s maid of honor Eddie Olczyk could not have been prouder and Eddie just couldn’t stop crying as the group posed for some post wedding photos.
Right after the wedding Eddie went home to watch his “Best of Eddie Olczyk’s Coaching Career” tapes which last roughly three seconds.
By the time the after party was coming to a close the sexual tension between Richards and Pierre was more bloated than Brian Boucher’s goals against average against the Bruins. They went outside to grab their car and headed off to their honeymoon.
The two were so excited to get to their room that Mike carried Pierre all the way from the car to the hotel room, even walking right through a fountain. How romantic. Pierre McGuire in a white, wet wedding dress is one of the most disgusting things we’ve ever seen.
They retired to their room to relax on their bed, overlooking the ocean, and get a little… frisky. For some reason, however, Eddie Olczyk paid a butler for his costume and was waiting in the hotel room to serve his favorite couple. It was a little creepy that he was there but Mike and Pierre did not seem to care.
Eddie hinted at a three way and kept verbally blowing the Flyers but much like Carter’s invitation, Eddie’s was shot down and he left the room looking sad and lonely.
Pierre and Mike then grabbed a bottle of wine and retired to the hot tub for a romantic bath together. They lit candles, got a little close and then things started to happen…
As to what happened next, only the NBC and Versus camera crews know. We got the hell out of there as soon as they mentioned a hot tub. We later found this picture on the NBC website.
As we ran from the room we could hear Pierre McGuire singing “taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake my breaaaaaaaaaaaaaath awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!” Weird.
Thankfully Game 4 is on NESN Friday and people will be treated to Jack Edwards insane ramblings rather than either NBC or Versus constantly giving verbal hand jobs to anyone who has ever even been near the Flyers organization and ignoring they team the Flyers are playing against.
We wish Mr. and Mrs. Richards all the best. May their marriage be full of happiness, joy and no Stanley Cups.