Grindin’ Gears: A Win Is A Win and ESPN Sucks Edition

ggIt felt good to watch the Bruins win a hockey game. Considering there’s only been four of those this year, I feel as though watching this team win is extra special. I’m going to try and remain positive throughout this piece. I really am. I’ve been getting a lot of flack because I haven’t been waving my black and gold pompoms in the air and I’ve been telling it like it is. I mean, sure, the defending Stanley Cup Champions are in the basement of the East and three points out of last place in the (entire) NHL, but it’s November. Or Movember. Or ‘Mo-vember. Whichever one floats your pink, mustached boat.

On the bright side, the Bruins have started November with a bang. A good (not great, not epic, just good) 5-3 win over the surprisingly hot Ottawa Senators (winners of their last six games before the Tuesday night clash). How’d they do it? Like they do it every time they win, they play with passion and they keep their feet moving. The biggest problem with the team this season is that they aren’t moving their feet when they’re playing. I know, it’s so fucking cliche that I should be struck in the head with an anvil and watch the little birds and/or stars float above my head; but it’s true. It makes sense when you’re watching the game though. People call it lazy, I’m calling it over-thinking. I think these guys are a little snake-bitten, which means they’re going to over-think their play and thus play reactively.

Well Tuesday night against the Senators, things seemed to flow from the second half of the second period onward. I’m not going to recant the game for you because you can read our recap, which is probably written better than anything I can spew into Joomla. So yeah, read the recap.

But like I said, I’m going to try and remain positive today. You know what I want to know? Where the fuck is Days of Y’Orr’s parade? We’ve been ripping Lucic since the playoffs. We’ve gone as far as to make some photoshops about him and I busted out quite a lengthy rant about how inadequate Lucic has been on the ice. Shit, I was so mad at how overrated Lucic was (and still is) that I made it my first Grindin’ Gears segment of the season.

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Since those pictures were made, Lucic has 4 points (4 goals, 4 assists) and has converted once on the power play (which was against Ottawa last Tuesday). So where’s our pat on the back? Where’s our fucking duck boat tour of Boston that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg? Where’s Dave Goucher hanging around us, commentating on the zany things we do as we walk around the city? We get none of that and we’re the ones who woke the Sleeping Beauty up. DO YOU KNOW WHO WE ARE?

Whoa, sorry.

So the Bruins look to take their undefeated record (in November) to Toronto to play the first place Toronto Maple Leafs. Oh god, I threw up in my mouth and I didn’t even speak those words, I typed them. So yeah, the last time these two teams faced off, Boston brought a boom bash of black and gold proportions and spanked the Leafs so hard that Phil Kessel’s acne came flying off. That pudgy-faced lioness hasn’t shown up against the Bruins in quite a long time, so I’m not really worried about him  as much as I am the rest of the squad.

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Ok, so we know one thing: Phil Kessel makes a terrible lion.

The Leafs aren’t the Leafs of last year. They’re third in the NHL with 41 goals scored (Philly is first with 44, Ottawa is second with 42) and they’re third in the NHL with 3.33 goals per game scored (behind Washington and Philly). The only saving grace for Boston is that the Leafs suck at defense, allowing 3.17 goals per game, which puts them in the bottom third of the league (at 27 overall). It’s also reassuring that the Leafs are dead last in the NHL in penalty kill. They’ve killed 69% of their penalties. 69%! This should be helpful to a Bruins team looking to right the ship on their power play.

Oh god, the power play. I can’t even get into this if I’m trying to remain positive. It’s a disgrace. 26th in the league. Yikes.

After the jump, ESPN sucks

Whatever was wrong with the Bruins in October, whether it was them shaking off some rust or nursing a hangover (God, I fucking hate that term….

TANGENT TIME: Why is it that when a championship team plays poorly, it’s dubbed a hangover? Could it be possible that said championship team got hot at the right time or (wait for it) overachieved [gasp!] to win their championship? Could it be that the team that won got lucky and didn’t have to face “powerhouses” of their division because said powerhouses couldn’t make it out of a round if you spotted them 3 wins? I mean, let’s be real here people. When it comes to the Bruins, they overachieved a little. They didn’t have to play Pittsburgh or Washington. They didn’t have to play Detroit to win the Cup. They got Montreal, Philly and Tampa and finished it off with another overachiever, the Canucks. I don’t think that this is a hangover. In fact, I think the term “hangover” is a bullshit crutch as much as I believe letting a team suck is “okay” because they won a Stanley Cup is a horseshit excuse. How about we don’t bring up a “hangover”, how about we just call a spade a spade and say they’re playing like shit.

I’m surprised someone in the media hasn’t dubbed this “HANGOVER-GATE” since they love to put -Gate on the end of EVERYTHING. I envision an ESPN meeting going like this:

Douche #1: Did you see what Jim Swartchz and that old Stanford coach who now coaches the 49ers do yesterday?
Old Whore Hannah Storm: Yeah, I haven’t seen something like that since I saw Vince Lombardi play Pop Warner football
Douche #2: We need a name for this!
Idiot #1: “The Punch At Mid-Field”
Douche #1: No, you’re fired.
Douche #2: How about “Coaches Fight Like Bitches”
Douche #1: I love it, but we can’t use bitches on Sportscenter
Horse Face Linda Cohn: Go Rangers
Douche #1: Settle down and eat your oats
Old Whore Hannah Storm: How about Swartchz/Old Standford Coach-Gate?
Douche #1: Brilliant!

…and that’s what they fucking called it! So there’s Spy-gate, Coach-gate, Tiger-gate and who the hell else knows. STOP USING -GATE AFTER ANYTHING CONTROVERSIAL. THERE’S NO FUCKING NEED FOR IT. Come up with something humorous. Come up with something original. Come up with something better than just blah-blah-gate and have a little snicker after you say it on Sportscenter. AND SHOW SOME FUCKING NHL HIGHLIGHTS WITHOUT BARRY MELROSE STUPID MULLET GREASING THE LED SCREEN ON MY TV. If you want a better hockey analyst then just stick a fucking orange parking cone in the seat and have Steve Berthiaume just nod and say “mm-hmm” over and over. Same difference.

How hard is it to have credible hockey analysts? Oh Matt Barnaby. Yeah, he’s real fucking credible isn’t he? Might as well have Mark Mowers discussing hockey! ESPN can suck my low hanging fruit because they’re the epitome of everything wrong with sports on TV. They’d rather show you the WNBA, where the women clearly exchange good looks for “talent” and 50-35 final scores then the NHL. I’d rather stick my dick in a mechanical pencil sharpener then turn on ESPN and see the New York Sparks and Connecticut Whosyacallems battle in the Midol bowl in front of a sold out crowd of 15 people.

…So about those Bruins?

- Random Thoughts –

- I’d like to take this opportunity to congratulate Jon in getting engaged on Halloween. I don’t know why she said yes, ha. Congrats you guys.

- Nathan Horton has said he’s still feeling the effects of his concussion (and yes, it’s linked to an ESPn article. Hello, irony!). Well no shit. Stop playing before we put you in the concussion hall of fame with ole Pudidng Brains Savard and Scrambled Eggs Crosby. Seriously, take some time off before you do more damage to yourself. Also, don’t be mad at my Savard name, people.

That’s it for this week. Hope everyone enjoys their weekend and remember, keep screaming at those clouds!

Grandpa

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