Grindin’ Gears: Merry Christmas You Filthy Animal Edition

Before I get my hands dirty with this Grindin’ Gears post, I want everyone to know that I give zero fucks about the spelling and grammar of this post. So before some Canadiens fans feel the need to point it out and get me “grounded by my mama”. For all intent, the guy has taken my trolling really well so if the DOY Army feels the need to continue the task, go ahead. Who am I to stop you? It would be unconstitutional for me to impede on your right of free speech and I’m sure that if I did that Thomas Jefferson would be spinning in his graves with all the black ladies on top of him. Fuck it. 

drunk santa
You know what really pisses me off? The “holiday” season. The biggest thing I have is the commercialization. Sure, I don’t mind getting a gift card for Amazon or Dunkin Donuts to load up on coffee, but anything outside of that is just ridiculous. The worst is when it comes to children. Those snot-nosed fucking brats that think they deserve everything under the sun when in reality they don’t deserve cat shit in a plastic bag because they’re little pukes. You know the kind I’m talking about, right? The kind who walks into a store and throws a fucking shit fit because their parents won’t let them have a Barbie doll or a Transformer and then their shitty parent gets them an iPad for Christmas. WHY DOES A 6 YEAR OLD NEED AN IPAD?! They don’t. In fact, don’t bother with an iPad or a Wii or whatever you bought your stupid child, buy them a fucking book. It doesn’t matter if they can beat Angry Birds through the first play through if they can’t read for to apply for their job at Home Depot.

It really pisses me off when parents go above and beyond to shower their shitty kids with gifts. That’s not the point of this holiday. Or maybe it is, what the fuck do I know anymore? All I know is that I teach my kid that this holiday is about spending time with those you love and not receiving a shitload of gifts. Also, kids are real greedy assholes on Christmas day. Presents are like crack to them and the more crack you give them, the more insanely rude they become and by the end of the night you want to drown them in the toilet like the turds they are. This may come off as me sounding jealous, but it’s more like jaded. 

xmasiscoming

Merry Fuckmas and Happy Screw Year...

I’m jaded about everything, really. Everyone acts like a bunch of dickbags throughout the year but then the week leading up to Christmas everyone is so nice and kind. Why? What’s the point? Oh because Santa is really watching us? Nope. The day after Christmas everyone magically turns in to a bunch of dickheads again like they’re Cinderella’s coach turning into a pumpkin. I hope her coach at least speaks French so those fucking francophone’s won’t bitch about it.

And what really pisses me off is that parents tell their children that “Santa is watching” when their kid is a hurricane of shittiness but never make good on their threat to pull the presents. Fuck it, grow a sack. If your little demon spawn is really a piece of buffalo dung and you have to continually warn them that “Santa is watching” then they don’t deserve their gifts anyway. Do something good with them. Donate them to charity. God knows you probably don’t do that during the year but you have no issue spending hundreds (or even thousands) of dollars on your kid, who most of us probably would hate if we met.

cranky
It’s not just the gifts though that really piss me off. This whole PC thing on Christmas really rides the fucking suck stick too. Stop saying Happy Holidays to make everyone happy. I was raised as Christian before I realized how fucked that religion is and went atheist on everyone’s ass, but I celebrate Christmas. If someone were to come up to me today at sundown and wish me a Happy Hanukkah  I wouldn’t go into a hethanistic rant or anything, I’d say “Shalom”, wish them one back and move on. Same if someone wished me a Merry Christmas. I’d thank them and wish one back to them. 

But apparently that’s not good enough for this fucking society. Instead, we have to go around saying “Happy Holidays!” because we don’t want to fucking offend anybody, which goes into the pussification of America. Much like Milbury’s wussification of hockey, America is heading for a pussification movement of their own.  Think I’m overreacting? People are calling for Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer to be pulled from television because it “promotes bullying and should be banished”. Are you shitting me? I’m sure if one kid is kicking the shit out of another kid it’s not because he watched Rudolph last night. It’s probably because that kid is a piece of shit that has problems at home and can’t justifiably deal with them. 

So now we’re banning television programs because it may send out the wrong message (although Rudolph is about getting over your differences and he eventually becomes a hero)? How trivial. Why is this an issue but shitty TV like Jersey Shore is allowed to run for five fucking seasons? Does anyone else see the problem here? JERSEY SHORE IS OKAY BUT RUDOLPH SENDS A BAD MESSAGE?! I’m sorry, but I fail to see the comparison between a clay reindeer getting hoofed a few times and a drunken meatball troll getting butt-slammed. Why is one bad but the other, which is worse, isn’t? 

snookismushsmush
So now I have to call my Christmas tree a “Holiday Tree” and what was called Christmas bread is now called “Holiday bread”. Here’s a serious question: Why don’t we call a Menorah a “Holiday Candelabra”? I hope that doesn’t offend our Jewish readers out there, but in the end, what’s the fucking difference? Everything should be holiday at this point. Snow on Christmas? Nope, Holiday Rain. Road rage on Christmas Eve? Holiday Driving Rage. Latkes during Hanukkah? Nope, holiday potato pancakes. Wreath on the door? Nah, holiday circle of greens. Christmas goose/turkey/ham? Holiday meat. Eggnog? Holiday thick drink. 


If we’re going to PC everything, lets actually just PC everything and get it over with, ok? Lets stop beating around the bush and either become normal, rational people or PC pussies but get off the fence please. This whole thing is madening and it’s no wonder people lose their shit around this time of year. Stress levels are at an all time high because companies are jacking up prices, shitting out shitty products and children are acting like wicked little monkeys. 

Wait, am I supposed to be talking about hockey?

Have a Merry Christmas, A Happy Hanukkah, a tip top Tet and a crazy Kwanza. Here’s some real Christmas music!
 



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