Note: If you think Zach Hamill would talk to us after all the shit we write about him, you need your head checked. This is obviously a parody. Obviously.
After the jump, Hamill’s training camp blog!
September 17, 2011 – Training Camp
Ah, the sweet smell of the locker room. Ever wonder what it’s like to walk into the TD Garden and have someone smile and wave to you and say “Hey Zach, good luck?” Well neither have I. I’ve been in this organization since 2007 and I haven’t been give a chance to make a full impact with the Bruins. I’m ready. This year is my year.
I walked into the visitors broom closet locker room and sat down next to Jamie Arniel. Jamie and I have been playing hockey in Providence since he came to the Bruins in the 2008 draft. He was drafted 97th overall. I need to ask him what it’s like to wait that long to be drafted because I was in and out of the Nationwide Arena (or the Nat as my best friend Patrick Kane and I liked to say, but don’t ask him about it because it’s an inside joke) in like 20 minutes. Why you ask? Oh yeah, because I was taken 8th overall. BOO YEAH!
Jamie is a good guy though, except for the time he stole my microwave chicken pot pie on the road. Oh, you didn’t hear about this? I sent the Providence newspaper a(nother) article about me but this time it was for theivery! So we’re sitting on the bus and I’m listening to “Clocks” by Coldplay on my Ipod and I must have drifted off to Chris Martin’s soothing vocals. Next thing I know, the chicken pot pie that Toll Booth Sally made for me was gone! It’s a sham! It’s a mockery! It’s a shamockery! Next thing I know, Jamie has a mouthful of white breast meat chicken in his noisehole and all I’m left with is a rumbly tummy.
I don’t blame him though. I’m awesome. He’s probably mad that from 2009-2011 he’s played more games than me (143 to 145), more goals than me (25 to 23) and has more points than me (78 to 70). That doesn’t mean anything because I played more in Boston than he has. Jamie has only played one game, I played in three. Ya Jamie, suck it ya hoser.
Today’s training camp was easy for everyone but Marchand. He did surprise us though:
- He was actually there
- He had a shirt on
- He was somewhat sober
I think these are all things that we can get behind with Ole Marchy. We go way back too. Not as far back and me and Kaner, but oh boy do I remember some of the shenanigans that Marchy got in trouble for on the road. I knew those pranks were just in good fun, but boy was my scalp still burn when I sweat a lot in July.
I felt like I played some good hockey though. We will see what happens tomorrow.
September 18, 2011 – Training Camp
Wow journal, today was a great day on the ice! I scored on Tim Thomas a few times in shootout drills. I also winked at some chick so I think I’m going to try and bang later. Ya, being a Bruin rocks! Remember how I told you that Marchy and I were boys? Well last night we got matching tattoos. It says “Starley Cup Champians in training”. I went first and it looks really good. I think the dude who did it was named Tim, but I really can’t remember. After I got mine done, Marchy said that his stomach was hurting so he said he’ll get one later. I can’t wait to go back home to Port Coquitlam and show everyone. Like I said, being a Bruin rock!
So training camp. Once again, Marchy didn’t look good. He was sluggish and slow, so I blew right past him a few times and scored some wicked goals. On one goal, Thomas actually left the net and skated over to his goalie coach! He had no idea it was even coming! Sucker!
I talked to Claude Julien today and he says I have to prove myself in Ottawa. I can’t wait to get some real action on the ice.
September 21, 2011 – Bruins @ Senators
I met with Claude two hours before the game and he told me that I wasn’t going to be playing tonight and to observe everything and take it all in. I spent the night observing this hot broad in the balcony and I wanted to take her in, but Tyler Seguin really c-blocked me. Seggs was being a total jerk! Anyway, we lost to the Senators and it was probably because I wasn’t on the ice.
Heck, if Shawn Thornton is on the scoresheet, anyone can score against those mooks. Please don’t tell Shawn I said that, okay?
Some guy yelled at me and called me “Pop Tart” because I’m soft in the middle. I don’t get it?
September 23, 2011 – Islanders @ Bruins
I talked to Claude today and he told me that it was go time. I laced my boots up (get it? haw) and took to pre-game warmups. I’ve always loved playing at the TD Garden and the fourteen fans in attendence for this preseason game really came out and made a difference.
All in all, I think I played a great game. I was on the ice for 14:47 and even got some time on the power play. I had one shot and it didn’t go in so I decided to not shoot anymore and let my teammates do all the work. Unfortunately for me, they suck and I wasn’t able to get any assists. Instead I just cruised around and let my golden 5-2 shimmer in the championship light.
I’m so making this team!
September 27, 2011 – Waiver Wire
Today is a day that will live in infamy. Today I was told that I am no longer part of the Boston Bruins as those dickbags put me on waivers, AGAIN! You know what this means journal, that lonely drive down I-95 to Providence to spend another season in the sucktitude of that city. Look, I’m happy to still be part of the Bruins organization and I’m happy that I will get to see Toll Booth Sally again on the Pike, but this drive is killing me.
You know what’s the worst part about this Journal? Chiarelli didn’t even give me a freaking EZ-Pass! He threw a bag of dimes at me and said “Have fun waiting in line with the rest of those tollies!”. A “Tollie”, that’s all I am to these people. Do they know who they have in Zachary Robert Hamill? The answer is NO!
I am looking forward to talking with Toll Booth Sally again. Maybe she’ll have another pot pie for me. I’ll have to text her. She makes the best pot pies.
Whatever happens Journal, I know we have each other!
Damn, I knew I should have closed the window.