NHL Trade Deadline — The Charlie Sheen Scale

We’re not much for celebrity gossip or news, but how can you not love Charlie Sheen right now?

The guy is pure genious. This is the best PR stunt since that guy that played in Gladiator and Johnny Cash


He’s easily surppassed Jack Edwards as the most crazily quotable person in America.

“I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got magic. I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time — and this includes naps — I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.”

“There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.”

“I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.”

“The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning.”

In fact, we can’t wait until he lands a book deal.

Charlie Sheen and the Art of WinningCharlie Sheen I'm a Winner and you can, too!

What does this have to do with hockey and the NHL Trade Deadline? Simple.

Winning. And bi-winning.

No one is more an expert on the art of winning than Charlie Sheen is right now. He’s a prophet. And so we’re looking at the losers and the Charlie Sheen’s of the East. 

The rating scale is simple. The more Charlie Sheens you see, the more winning that team did at the deadline. Five Sheens is max.. though there could be more since he’s an assassin. Never know with Sheen.

After the jump… the Charlie Sheens and the Losers of the Eastern Conference…

Boston Bruins
The Bruins first move was trading for Chris Kelly which had a lot of people scratching their heads and wondering “That it?” But Chia would not dissapoint by nabbing the NHL unicorn in Tomas Kaberle. He then bolstered the Bruins depleating centermen some more with Peverly. The New Guys are already contributing to the score sheet. Boston’s looking it’s best all season.

He might be no Ray Shero, but Chia-pet did good.

Atlanta Thrashers
Took Wheeler and Stuart from the Bruins and just re-signed Stuart (both still have nice potential).  They got rid of some dead weight in shipping Bergfors rights away. They added draft picks, Brett Festerling and Drew McIntyre.  Oh… and they still kept Zach Bogosain somehow. 

Also, Ramsay is still the head coach despite some dumbass Atlanta writers. It’s like the Trashers organization wants to do well or something… They’re only four points back from a playoff spot.

Buffalo Sabres 
Poor Buffalo. They were just named one of the most miserable sports cities, recently. Should’ve been lower on the list. Sabres picked up familiar face Brad Boyes. The team could’ve used some defensive help to aid Ryan Miller or at least bought Miller a new notebook from Hot Topic to write his emo poetry in.

Best move for the Sabres was the signing of a new owner. Fans might actually have a reason to cheer again. Buffalo is a mere two points from the playoffs.


They get an extra Sheen for the new owner. Otherwise, one Sheen.

Also, Sheen… tougher than Kaleta.

Carolina Hurricanes
Biggest move for them was dishing Samsonov to Florida for Bryan Allen. They also lost some guy on waivers. Whatevs. Carolina is in the 8th playoff seed. Not sure how that happened… the East sucks.

Florida Panthers
They got rid of Dennis Wideman who’s had a Renaissance year offensively after being chased out of Boston with torches and pitchforks. They also ditched Bryan Allen, Radek Dvorak and Chris Higgins (sucks… so bad). Sadly they picked up Bergfors. They got Samsonov which was decent and several more draft picks that they’ll probably trade away for some over-valued player or squander in the draft. They had more moves during this final trade week than a break dancer. Don’t even know what to make of it.

Florida will probably stay Florida. They didn’t get anything fantastic for what they traded. They’re eight points behind the Hurricanes for the 8th playoff seed.

Montreal Canadiens
They added Sopel and Mara which is good for the Habs since they have like no defensemen left. Not sure if they’re gonna really help Carey out though. PK Subban is still a punk. Habs are in 6th place, six points behind Boston in the Northeast.

Fuck Montreal.

New Jersey Devils
This team finally realized the 2010-2011 season was underway. Too bad they’re about six months late. But going 9-1-0 after the All-Star break is no joke. 

Devils sent Arnott to the Capitals for David Steckel and a second rounder. Not sure if Devils can make the run to the playoffs (they’re nine points back), but who knows. Crazier things have happened.

New York Islanders
They picked up Al Montoya since Nabokov is still MIA. Stupid, Nabby. Montoya’s been fairly decent for the Isles. We’ve even picked him up in some fantasy leagues due to injuries and depth issues.

Still, it’s the NYI. What a mess.

New York Rangers
Picked up Bryan McCabe for Tim Kenendy and a third-round pick that probably won’t result in anything spectacular.  Also got another centerman.

Too bad Biron went down with a collar-bone injury after the deadline. Whoops!

Rangers are 7th in the East.

Ottawa Senators
Not even sure we can rate this team now that it’s all AHL players. What a fire sale up north. No one’s left but goon Chris Neil, Filpa Kuba and Chris Phillps (who, for some reason, wanted to stay in Orrawa). They also nabbed Craig Anderson which could be a good move, depending on Anderson.

Senators are dead last in the East and are hoping to rebuild… Gotta raze the building before building a new foundation.

Filthadelphia Flyers
They  grabbed Versteeg for a first and third rounder and added Boynton from the waivers. Versteeg was a good pick up by Philly, giving them some more scoring depth. Fleyers are leading the East.

Pittsburgh Penguins
Shero is a fucking magician.

Tampa Bay Lightning
Shipping out Dan Ellis Problems is always a good move for your team. Grabbing another team’s captain is also a nice coup.

Lightning are second in the East. They didn’t need to do much tinkering.

Toronto Maple Leafs
Leafs were only outdone by Ottawa for the Canadian Fire Sale this year. They got a lot of draft picks. Burke’s trying to work for the future. Should be interesting to see if his “master plan” will work.

Washington Capitals
The Caps are trying to be the ’08-’09 Boston Bruins which isn’t a bad move until you remember that the ’08-’09 Bruins ended in a horrible Game 7 home loss failure to the ‘Canes. Lame. Caps have No Knees Sturm and Wideman. They needed a shutdown D-man (didn’t get) and a strong goalie (never had since Kolzig).

We can’t wait for the LOLFail of Wideman-Green once Green is healthy. Also, Green’s website is dumb.

This team could be dangerous if Oviechicken and his line catches on fire at the right time. But it’ll be ok ’cause the playoffs are just around the corner.

Caps are 5th in the East.

 

Justin

About Justin

Co-Founder for multi-award winning @DaysofYOrr. I mix nerd fandom & sports. For my historical adventure novels visit www.JMAucoin.com.

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