Patrice Purrgeron is known for many great things. One of them is bringing me on to Days Of Y’Orr to bring the facts in an angry rant. Not only is he a great GM and well groomed, he’s quite the special agent. Mr. Purrgeron has exposed what the Bruins bring on away games, found the real letter Cam Neely wrote to season ticket holders, given Nathan Horton the confidence to score a goal and found the Bruins heart.
During the weekly DOY round table meeting where we discuss the finer things in life like pizza and Office Space, Mr. Purrgeron threw this tape on the table with a post-it note saying “Watch”. What was discovered is something that many people have been wondering for decades.
With the news of the recent Matt Cooke suspension, a lot of people have been asking themselves how the NHL can hand out such a meager suspension to someone who is a repeat offender. Well world, you’re about to get inside information on how the committee makes these decisions.
After the jump, the shocking truth behind the NHL wheel of “justice”……..
Colin Campbell: “Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to NHL WHEEL…OF…PUNISHMEEEEEEEEENT! You’re favorite hockey related punishment show with twists and turns that would make M. Night Shyamalan jealous. Here’s our host…GAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRYYYYYY BEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTMAAAAAAAAAAAN!!”
Gary Bettman: Welcome everyone to NHL Wheel of Punishment. For those playing at home, what we do is take three recent offenders and put them on the block to spin the wheel. Let’s meet our contestants. First comes from Boston, Massachusetts. He says his pasttime includes hanging in Level 9, Kelly’s Roast Beef and drinking Coca-Cola at Revere Beach. Let’s say hello to the contestants!! first up is Daniel Paille.
Daniel Paille: I want to say hello to all my friends in the press box. I’ll see you soon!
Bettman: No one cares. Our next contestant is part of the New Jersey Devils organization. His name is Anton Volchenkov, welcome Anton!
Anton Volchenkov: Thanks for being on tvs with you.
Bettman: Our next and final contestant is a good friend of the show. I want you all to welcome my friend and yours, from the Pittsburgh Penguins, Matt Cooke. Hello Matthew.
Matt Cooke: Savard was in MY WAY!
Bettman: Obviously. For those who don’t know the game, what we do is have our contestants spin the wheel to decide their fate for any improper hits they may have dealt during our NHL games. First up is Daniel Paille. Daniel, lets see why you’re here with us today.
Bettman: Ok Daniel, spin the wheel!
:crowd lets out a loud audible sigh:
Bettman: Ooooh so close! Sorry kid, but first time or not, the wheel has spoken!
Next up is Anton Volchenkov. Anton, lets take a look at why you are here.
Bettman: Ouch! That was a rough one. Anything to say?
Volchenkov: Boychuk in way. Volchenkov in way. Volchenkov wins.
Bettman: Let’s see if you can beat the wheel though, Anton.
Bettman: OH! SO CLOSE! I really thought you were getting the “Vacation in Maui” package. Rats. Oh well Anton, have a few games off and spend them in an ESL class. Okay, let’s take a minute to say thank you to our sponsors…take it away Colin!
Colin Campbell: The NHL Wheel of Justice is brought to you by Barnaby’s Blocker. Say something people don’t agree with? Getting guff back? Just use Barnaby’s Blocker to shut them down. Say anything you want without the repercussions with Barnaby’s Blocker! Get yours today!
Back to you Gary.
Bettman: And we’re back. That Barnaby’s Blocker is some good stuff, really helped me back in 2005. Okay, our last contestant tonight is Matt Cooke. Matt, the last time on the show you walked away fine, tell the audience what happened.
Cooke: Well, I was skating up the ice and Marc Savard was skating down and skated in to my elbow. Ya know, I’m the victim. Anyways, I was lucky and spun “sunshine and farts” and didn’t have to take accountability for my actions.
Bettman: Ah, the American way! First let’s look at the video tape!
Bettman: Nothing wrong with that hit that I see. Just a real hockey play.
Bettman: Oh, sorry bud. I’m sure you’ll be here again. Better luck next time. Maybe you can help Sidney dim the lights in my house…I mean his house. Well that’s our show tonight. GET BETTER SIDNEY, I LOVE YOU!