It’s no secret that we’re hated in Buffalo. We’ve gotten some angry comments. We’ve gotten hateful emails. Our lives have been threatened (no lie). We relish this shit like…. relish?
Anyways, there’s one Sabres fan who doesn’t hate our guts. His name is Phil and he rocks the Black & Blue & Gold Blog. He’s going to guest post on DOY next week when Boston takes on Buffalo, but for now we’ve teamed up with for a two-parter blog post — The NHL’s Most Punchable Faces. We have Part 1. He’ll have Part 2 tomorrow, so stay tuned.
How did we come up with this list? Simple. Draft. We each took 6 players in a back-and-forth draft. Our last pick was a Sabre; Phil’s was a Bruin.
Our strategy? Draft the NHL Goon Squad… kinda. You’ll see what we mean.
We’re using the Scott Nichols Sucker Punch rating system.
The more Scott Nichols, the more we want to punch the guy in the face. Simple.
After the jump we go over who the DOY Staff wants to punch in the face… the most.
1. Phil Kessel
We know… we know… we said we chose a Goon Squad. And we did — keep reading.
But can a Bruins fan not want to punch Kessel in the face? From his half-ass defensive play while in Boston to his over-valuing of himself couple seasons back, Boston wants to punch Kessel in the face. Collectively. Individually. Virtually.
Kessel looks like that friend in college who had a really hot girlfriend and you couldn’t figure out why, but then one drunken night you slept with her and didn’t even feel bad ’cause the guy was a such a douche. Then you showed him the video and make him watch it and used his tears to wipe up the lube.
Sorry, where were we? Right, Kessel sucks. We find it hard to respect players that only play when they feel like it or that look like the next star of a Proactive commercial. Everything about Phil Kessel just screams “punch me.”
Ten bucks says if you physically assaulted Kessel, no judge in America or Canada would convict you. The judge would probably tell the bailiff to un-cuff you and then you’d all hit him repeatedly with chairs as your entrance music blared in the background.
F you Phil Kessel. F you.
We’d love to punch Kessel in the face, but Kris Russel already beat us to it.
2. Danny Carcillo
We love to hate Carcillo. He’s no offensive threat. He’s a -9 on the best team in the East. You really have to suck to pull that off. All he does is start shit and then turtles away. He tries to take on guys like Marc Savard. Big man.
His shit-stache is an insult to mustaches everywhere.
Name one “big” Carcillo moment that didn’t sound something like “Carcillo took a penalty and cost his team the game!” Or “Max Talbot easily convinced that fool Carcillo to fight, then told the Philly crowd to be quiet as the Penguins stormed back to take the game. Thanks a lot Carcillo. Dick.”
Carcillo is a dying animal in today’s NHL. He has no skills other than turtling and looking inbred. You know what you do with dying animals? You take them into the woods and shoot them.
He has given us great moments like this though.
3. Steve Ott
NASA once used their Hubble Telescope to try to find Steve Ott’s balls. They came up empty. His “manhood” is akin to a barren wasteland. Ott constantly threatens to hit his kids if they don’t listen and they just laugh at him. We have a pet turtle at the Days of Y’Orr offices that we call “Ott.” Sometimes we pee in the tank then feel bad when we realize it is not actually Steve Ott. They look so similiar sometimes we can’t tell. There’s that old saying “you are what you eat.” Ott must go down on a lot of chicks because he’s a giant pussy.
4. Chris Neil
As we’ve reported, Chris Neil hates children, liberty and kittens. What an asshole. He’s another guy who has no useful purpose in the NHL but get punched in the face. He goes after “tough guys” (like Seidenberg) and then skates away. Or waits for the refs to jump in and yaps his mouth some more. Tool.
Chris Neil does nothing useful. Ever. He holds the Guiness Book of World Records… umm… record for most losses to first graders in sanctioned boxing matches. Chris Neil would probably even pick on a post horse ride Christopher Reeve and then act tough about it. Chris Neil runs away from actual tough guys much like the Senators run away from winning. We wouldn’t be upset at all if Chris Neil fell into a tub of BBQ sauce and Oprah walked by and mistook him for lunch.
5. Matt Cooke
If you don’t know why people in Boston would want to punch Matt Cooke, you’ve probably been too busy partying with Charlie Sheen.
6. Tougher than Kaleta
What can we say about Kaleta that we haven’t already said? These videos pretty much sum up Kaleta as a player. Waste of space.
Carcillo vs. Kaleta? Douchebag vs. Douchenozzle? We approve.
What annoys us most about Kaleta is he’ll often take runs at players who don’t even have the puck, then get all upset when the opposing team responds by checking him. He sucks too much to dish out punishment and he’s too much of a wussy to take punishment. His vagina has a vagina.
Kaleta is the reason it is hard to take Buffalo seriously as a team. If he’s the guy they go to in order to start the rough stuff…. well that is just comical. Kaleta makes Wayne Gretzky look like a tough guy. The day he takes Shawn Thornton up on Thorty’s fight offers every game against the Sabres is the day Kaleta dies. Plus he seems like the kind of guy that took roofies to college parties “just in case.” There is nothing remotely good about Kaleta. Well, except when he goes for one of his famous cheap shots, misses, and we all point and laugh.
Tomorrow, BGG takes on their Top 6.