Professor Boychuk Goes to School


Everyone’s favorite soul eater Johnny Boychuk recently visited a local school to give students a lesson….. in pain.

Yes, the kids were already familiar with several Boychuk facts but they were treated to some in person, one-on-one lessons from the Master of Pain, the Destroyer of Worlds.

Days of Y’Orr GM and beat reporter Patrice Purrgeron was on hand to follow Boychuk and sit in on his class and was nice enough to provide us with some pictures and Boychuk’s lesson plan.

We now take you live for a special report from Patrice Purrgeron.


After the jump….. Boychuk gives the youth of America a lesson in pain, destruction, uppercuts and the art of a body check…… 

Sitting in on a class with Professor Johnny Boychuk was like seeing Jesus. As soon as I saw his lesson plan written on the board I knew it was going to be a good day.


Johnny’s first lesson was to show the kids how to strike an intimidating pose. The pose, Boychuk explained, is important because it will often send the opposition running away crying before Boychuk even dishes out the pain, freeing him up to hit someone else. Johnny demonstrated on one of the kids but forgot how intimidating he was, even when not really trying. We had to call a janitor to clean up the mess.


Next, Johnny passed out photos of what happens to a typical player who enters the zone on Boychuk’s side of the ice and asked the kids to tell him exactly what went wrong.


If they answered anything but “they made the mistake of trying to skate near you” Boychuk forced them to watch clips of the Black Eyed Peas half time show at the Super Bowl until they got it right.  

One of the children then asked Boychuk what would happen, hypothetically, if an opposing player angered him in some way. Boychuk simply replied “rearrange his face” and turned on the projector. The children were then treated to a slide show of examples.


Boychuk then explained to the children that a healthy diet is key to destroying your enemies and being a total badass.

“But where do you get all your strength Mr. Boychuk,” one child asked.

“I eat souls,” replied the master of pain. Boychuk then demonstrated for the children how this process goes.

First he put up a picture of one of his kills, Matt Ellis. “It starts with the initial soul crushing hit,” Boychuk explained.


The kids furiously took notes, not wanting to forget any of Boychuk’s tips. “After the soul is weakened by the hit…. we ABSORB it and its delicious taste!”

 
 Boychuk then explained to the children that sometimes throwing a vicious body check is not enough. “Kids, sometimes bitches at out of line and you have to make your point with your fists,” Boychuk said.

Boychuk then demonstrated his go to move… The Boychuppercut. Jaroslav Spacek and ex-Bruin and terrible defenseman Steve Montador are both very, very familiar with the finishing move.








Boychuk then explained to the class that being a badass is not just about dishing out pain, but also about being able to absorb pain. “Sometimes I get bored and throw my face in front of an oncoming puck to show how badass I am,” Boychuk said.


Certainly an important lesson. What a total badass.

With his job done and the kids wiser and tougher, Boychuk left them with a couple of parting words.


Boychuk then gave all of us diplomas in pain……


….. and sent us forth to apply his teachings to real life situations.


In conclusion….

About Jon

Jon loves Batman, The Joker, the Bruins and hates you. Especially you. He has a man crush on David Backes and hopes to someday be Mrs. Jon Boychuk.

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