Purrgeron Exclusive: A Day in the Life of Johnny Canuck

Days of Y’Orr General Manager and ace reporter Patrice Purrgeron recently traveled to Vancouver to spend a day with Johnny Canuck to see if the city and the citizens are really as idiotic as they appear to be. We now bring you live to Mr. Purrgeron for his full story.

But after visiting them and spending the day with Johnny Canuck, what little respect I had for the city and the people there immediately evaporated. The city, like their team, just doesn’t get it and I hope these jerks at Days of Y’Orr never send me back to that horrid place and here is why.

After the jump….. Patrice Purrgeron learns why no one in the whole world respects the city of Vancouver……..

Johnny woke up early in the morning and tried to get lucky with his wife. She begrudgingly relented and the two made love. Afterwards Johnny Canuck signed on to his compter to see if Vancouver had won any championships (the answer is always no) as his wife thought about how unfilled she is yet again.

Johnny then headed for the shower as his wife day dreamed about getting into bed with a real man.

After his shower, Johnny Canuck wanted to call Trojan to complain they had ruined his performance. I tried to talk him out of it.

But it did not work. He just couldn’t accept it was his fault and not someone else’s.

The lady made some crack about not having a Cup and then he slammed down the phone and cried for awhile. I laughed and watched Tim Thomas highlights.

I again tried to explain to him it was not the condom’s fault but he cut me off and said we had to go. We jumped in the car and headed down to Rogers Arena, home of broken dreams, losers and riots. Johnny stopped off to get a cheese burger to try to eat his sorrows away.

Then he sent texts to Ryan Kesler and the Sedin Sisters to see if they’ve finally grown any balls. They had not.

I tried to warn him that he should be watching the road but he ignored me. Mr. Canuck wasn’t paying attention and started to swerve into the other lane directly into oncoming traffic. He panicked and drove the car into a ditch, but luckily we were still alive.

He dug through the snow to find his cellphone and much to my dismay, instead of calling for help he called to yell at Ford, blaming them for his car currently being in a ditch.

It was at this point I realized the rumor about people from Vancouver being irrational, illogical buffoons was true but I still tried to talk to the young chap.

Johnny Canuck still adamantly refused anything was his fault and continued to blame everyone else. Sad. Pathetic. But it got worse.

Apparently Mr. Canuck ignored phone calls and emails from his car insurance company and his policy lapsed. The phone rang and Johnny Canuck answered. His face immediately turned bright red and he hung up on whoever had called. Because he neglected to renew his insurance, the damage to his car from the earlier accident was not covered! I thought he would finally accept that he was a giant screw up but I was wrong!

He began weeping like a Kesler and I tried to console him.

Then he looked to the heavens and screamed…..

I was stunned. He said the NHL should’ve stepped in prior to the accident and helped him manage his own car. It was the most ridiculous, idiotic statement I’ve ever heard, and I covered the Max Pacioretty incident. He refused to believe he had any responsibility in managing his own actions and insisted it was the NHL’s fault. Wow.

At this point I had enough. Anyone this stupid needs to be put down. I called a couple buddies and we lured Johnny Canuck out into a field by telling him they were giving away free tire pumps. Then we did what needed to be done.

We left him there as he blamed his hat for not protecting his head more and thus ended a day in Vancouver that lowered my IQ by at least 123 points. Just when you think the world can’t get any dumber, Vancouver pops up and proves everyone wrong. I need a drink.

Thanks Patrice! Yeah, we’re SO sorry we sent you there. Cat nip and kitty litter on us buddy! Hang in there!

About Jon

Jon loves Batman, The Joker, the Bruins and hates you. Especially you. He has a man crush on David Backes and hopes to someday be Mrs. Jon Boychuk.