Score and Score and Score and Fight! Bruins Beat Down Stars.



Season ticket holder appreciation night started off in terrible fashion:


And then literally once second into the game the Bruins went apeshit.

Before half the crowd was even in their seats, the Bruins were throwing down. They came out with a purpose. Words don’t really do it justice. Just watch this sweet ass video.



After the jump, the Bruins love to punch your face and Steve Ott is a terrible, terrible hockey player……

firstperiod
- Well look at that. One second in Campbell and Ott go at each other. They do more dancing than fighting but Ott busts Campbell’s nose it looks like. Blood all over Campbell’s face. More dancing than fighting though. Starting early tonight.




- Puck drop… one second later, Thornton and Barch are brawling!!!! Thornton fairs much better and absolutely RUINS Barch. Uppercuts galore. Thornton rearranged his face.





- Puck drop…. two seconds later, McQuaid hits Sutherby so hard he forgets who he is. Holy balls. Four seconds into the game and three fights. Everyone who is late for this game is gonna be piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiised. Way to go Bruins. Way to fucking go.




- Play finally begins. Does anyone even care at this point? We’re still highfiving over Thornton in here. 

- Sweet mother fucking jebus. Horton, Krejci and Lucic get the puck and head down towards Raycroft. Lucic embarrasses him. 1-0 Bruins. Holy shit. “Three fights and a goal! Are you having fun yet?!” ~ Jack Edwards


- dkljakl;fjda;klfjaklfjad;l WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!? Before we’re done high fiving for Lucic’s goal Bergeron is chasing Raycroft from the net. Oh my Bruins, oh my. This couldn’t be more awesome. 2-0 Bruins. 


- Seguin shoots and Dallas actually makes a save. Who cares. Just end this game now. Greatest two minutes of game in the history of the universe.

- What a fucking save by Rask. He just fucking robbed James Neal. 

- FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK! Whistle blew three times. Burrish fired a shot at Rask and Andrew Ference caved his face in! Captain Planet tells Burish not to fuck with his goalie! Bruins up 2-0 in goals and 3-1 in fights! 





- Not even paying attention to the play right now. Too busy laughing, high fiving and building shrines to Campbell, Thornton, McQuaid and Ference. They’re like a gang.


- Marchand to the box for holding. Refs probably didn’t want him to fuck anyone up too.

- Stars hit a post real quick to start the powerplay. Boston’s awesomeness scared the puck away.

- Krejci and Wheeler almost scored shorthanded and then Dallas pushes Wheeler after the whistle. I guess they’re not tired of getting their shit ruined yet tonight. Go fuck yourself Dallas.

Submitted by our pal Guido

- Steve Ott in all alone and Rask makes the save. Steve Ott is one of the three worst players in the NHL. Hope Rask punches him in his vagina.


- Penalty killed like the Bruins killed the Stars to start the game.

- Bruins are fucking everywhere. If they bottled this intensity and sold it they’d make trillions.


- RECCHI TO MARCHAND TO BERGERON GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL! EAT IT STARS! FUCKING EAT IT DICKS! SCORE! 3-0


- Oooooooooh man. Poor Seguin. Just came within inches of making it 4-0. He’s got Horton disease now.

- Dallas gets a penalty for too many mean which confuses us because no one on their bench has any balls. Powerplay.


- Ott goes after Chara in an attempt to draw a penalty. “Chara says ‘Read the scoreboard you dope!’ ” ~ Jack Edwards

- Fun fact: Steve Ott is a pedophile.


- Krejci with a sweet ass pass but Ryder puts it high. B’s just screwing with Dallas right now.

- Dallas with a nice set up but Rask tells them to eat his ass.

- Bruins should have roughly 16 goals right now. Dallas has no answer for them. None. Best period of hockey from any team we’ve seen in years.

- Lehtonen with a nice save on Horton. He’s in for a loooooooooooooong night.

- Seguin totally getting held but refs make no call. Dallas getting away with a lot of shit. Hope the Bruins punch all their faces off.

- Totally wouldn’t be upset if Ott got mauled by a bear. Not at all. Hope it happens. Giant Piece of crap.


- Rask came to play too. Getting overshadowed by the rest of the awesomeness.

- SHAWN THORNTON! WHAT A FUCKING SNIPE! Sweet jesus. Third greatest player in NHL history shows Dallas what a real tough guy is. 4-0 Bruins.

 


- Horton with a fantastic shot but he barely misses. And now Dallas is going to the  box for interference. Powerplay time. Score again. We’re greedy Bruins.

- Bruins just relentless. Love it. Four goal lead and they’re still going all out. 

- Period mercifully over for Dallas. Holy balls. What a beatdown. What a fucking beatdown. Be right back, we’re going to go run through the streets and high five strangers.

Intermission
We now bring you live to Patrice Purrgeron.


Then he tanked and those crazy bastards in Toronto traded Rask to the Bruins for him. Faaaaaaaaaaaaantastic.

But for awhile, Raycroft looked like the next great goalie in the NHL. He was nick named “Razor” and the Bruins thought they were getting this:

Another gem from Guido

Instead what they got was a player similar to a post WWF Razor Ramon when he was just fat old Scott Hall.


But hey Toronto, seriously… thanks for Rask. We’re glad Raycroft worked out for you. He’s a huge movie star.

Picture courtesy of Marc Elisino

secondperiod
- Period starts without any fights. Starts with sweet Bruins pressure. Awesome. We want 20 goals by the end of the night. 16 more to go.

- Seguin ALMOST scored again. Poor lil guy. We still love you Seguin.

- Bruins not resting on their four goal lead. Fucking love it.

- Dallas is going to hang themselves in the locker room during the second intermission.

- Stars trying to start a fight with Kampfer. Who has a broken nose and can’t fight. Way to make yourself look like even bigger pussies Dallas. How do you even look yourselves in the mirror? 

Picture courtesy of Mike from Chicago! Ott is a pussy.

- Stars score a victory when Ott and Chara head to the box. That is what Ott does. Too bad for Dallas he can’t play hockey. Both get 10 minutes. Boo.



- MCQUAID SCORES! SCORE! 5-0.

- Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh horse shit. Goal gets waived off because refs say Wheeler interferred with the goalie. Not a chance. Not a freaking chance. Should’ve been a goal. Dallas pushed Wheeler into the goalie.

- BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT!

- Bruins on the PK after that shit call. Hope they kill the penalty and kill Dallas.

- Penalty killed. Stars get cheap and no calls. Stars suck so much tonight that the refs must feel bad.

- Bruins are awesome. Just throwing that out there.

- “Andrew Raycroft lasted just two shots.” ~ Jack Edwards. Hey Raycroft at least you lasted one more shot than John F Kennedy. Too soon?

- Still can’t believe Chara got 10 minutes for chirping with Ott. Hope Ott gets hit by a bus. For serious.

Picture courtesy of Marc Elisino.

- Stars getting totally outclassed tonight. Fights aside, Bruins need to bring this type of play to the playoffs.

- Booooooooooooooooooooooooo. Stars break the shutout. Some dude scores. Don’t even care to type his name. Stars still suck. 4-1.

- Paille just laid out Sawada. Wow. Gloves drop as Sawada stays down but nothing comes from it because Thornton gives everyone a death stare. That looked ugly. 

- Boychuk ends up in the box. Two minutes: Preventing Murder. Think Paille got tossed. That might’ve been an elbow. We didn’t get a good view. We doubt Paille was targeting the head. Think it was just unfortunate for Sawada. Thats not good.


- It is ruled as a five minute major for elbowing. Uh oh. This game could get even uglier.

- Jack informs us Paille got a match penalty too for intent to injure. No comment on this until we get a better view than what we had.

- Rask has a part time job robbing bitches. What a save.

- Stars with some pretty set ups but Rask and the Bruins are shutting things down.


- Campbell blocking shots with complete disregard for his personal safety. We love Campbell.

- RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASK! What a save. He IS the penalty kill right now. Rapid fire saves. FINNISH HIM!

- Ten saves for Rask on the PK. He didn’t even break a sweat. Ott then acts like an asshole. What a coward. Piece of shit.

- Stars don’t do anything until there’s refs between them and the Bruins. Must’ve gone to Kaleta’s tough guy school.

- Got derailed a bit there. We spent three minutes making rapid fire Steve Ott jokes. Steve Ott is a joke.

- Bruins taking target practice on the Dallas net.


- Boychuk tried to kill Lehtonen with a shot. 


- Richards trips the Bergeron and the Bruins are going on the powerplay.

- Period ends 4-1. Bruins going to start third on the powerplay. What a game so far.

Intermission

He sucks at hockey. And at life. And he’s a pervert. We recently received these photos of Steve Ott doing…. well, just take a look.

This was sent to us by a gentleman who said he took this outside his son’s preschool. Not surprised. Ott is just that kind of guy.


This one was taken by a fellow who went to Craigslist looking for a day. The add said “small blond, giant pussy, and I really really suck.” When the poor guy showed up, it was really just Ott wearing a dress.


This one was sent to us by a farmer in Kentucky. He said he found Ott in his horse stables covered in Astroglide. What a sick bastard.

thirdperiod
- And here we go. Final 20 minutes. Thornton needs and assist. Coooooooooooooooome on.

- Also, Berg going for the hat trick. Cooooooooooooooooome on.

- Not a good way to start the third. Morrow scores shorthanded. Boooooooo. 4-2. 

- Ryder with an open goal after a good feed by Stars get some sticks in the way. Boooooooo. Powerplay over.

- Krejci with another great chance but can’t get it to go. B’s on their offensive game though.

- Bruins pulling back a bit. Must be going into their patented third period prevent defense. Not good. Want to see them keep pressing.

- Wow. What the fuck Bruins. Richards makes it a one goal game. Bruins heads not in the game. 4-3.


- Recchi and Bergeron doing their best to right the Bruins ship. If they blow this we’re gonna kick babies.

- Some douche pushes Campbell and acts tough. Thornton 

- And the rookie comes through! Seguin with a great turnaround shot and the Bruins are back up by 2! See kid, we told you you’d get one! 5-3!


- Wheeler, Ryder and Seguin with a great shift after the goal. Bruins waking up again. Goooooooooooooood. Gooooooooooood.

- Oh man. Bruins in the Stars mouth as Lucic almost scores again. Good response Bruins. Hopefully Rask doesn’t let in anymore softies.

- And the Bruins are going on the powerplay. Awesome. Hey Bruins, introduce your foot to the Stars throat.

- Great pressure on the power play but nothing going in. Chara throws a shot on net we’re not convinced Lehtonen even saw.

- Rask gives up a huge rebound but Seidenberg clears that trash away.

- Seguin falls down goes boom. Kid’s playing his balls off tonight though. 

- Bruins smell blood. Keeping Dallas in their own end. Playing is a lot less chippy with the Stars trying to complete the comeback and the B’s trying to ice the game.

- Bruins living in the crease tonight. Where is that every game?! Ha.

- Krejci and Horton with a 2 on 1 but Stars get a stick in the way and Rask makes a save at the other end. As time ticks down, we can’t help but think Bergeron wiill be on the ice when Lehtonen leaves the net….

- Annnnnd the net is empty… Bergeron coming down… shit he misses, ha!

- Annnnnnnnnnnnnd Marchand puts it home. Game. Over. Go home Dallas. Put some ice on your faces. And that place your balls used to be. Bitches.


- Marchand, Bergeron and Recchi are the best line in the league. Hands down.

About Jon

Jon loves Batman, The Joker, the Bruins and hates you. Especially you. He has a man crush on David Backes and hopes to someday be Mrs. Jon Boychuk.

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