Top 10 Reasons Why Brad Marchand Isn’t A Bruin…Yet

The biggest story this summer for the city of Boston hasn’t been Channel 4′s digitally enhanced fireworks. It hasn’t been the on-field struggles of JD Drew as he continues to play mediocre baseball. Hell, the fact that I’ve watched an inning of baseball could possibly be the biggest story in Boston this summer, but it’s not. Not even Lord Stanley, the greatest attorney this side of that dead Kardashian fellow, hasn’t been the story of the summer. The story of the summer has been the lack of contract for one of Boston’s long nosed brothers: Brad Marchand.

The reason it’s such a story is because there hasn’t been much of a story at all. Usually when a general manager and a player are working on a deal, you’ll hear snippets from various media outlets. Hell, you’ll even get the standard “xxx and xxx continue to hammer out a contract”, but with Marchand it’s been silence. Something has to be going on for these guys not to get something done. Well, world, I present to you the Top 10 reasons why Brad Marchand isn’t a Bruin…yet.

After the jump, here’s the list!…

10. Brad’s Still Drunk

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Kid loves to sauce, there’s no denying that. After the Bruins won the Stanley Cup, it seemed that Marchand’s inner Paris Hilton came out in full force. I cannot confirm nor deny that there’s a night vision video of him getting taken to pound town somewhere out there. Marchand has been drinking every since the game clock in Vancouver ticked down to zero. Hell, he was even drinking at the Zdeno Chara trial in Montreal! He’s a party boy, no doubt about that, and it’s possible that whenever Peter Chiarelli tries to call Brad, he’s hugging some toilet spewing his guts into it. We’ve all been there man, we’ve all been there.

9. Brad’s Still Sleeping

You know when you go out on a Friday to Sunday morning bender and end up sleeping until Wednesday? Well try that for the entire month of June! Even a man with a drinking prowess of the gods wouldn’t be able to consistently throw down the amount of alcohol Marchand more than likely consumed in June. Hell, he probably drank those 136 Bud Lights by himself. I wouldn’t be surprised. So what happens when you spend a good 20 days of so drinking, dancing on tables and banging the seediest of whores? You spend July sleeping. I can’t blame ol Brado. His prick was working on overtime. Poor fellow needs 30 days to relax. Peter and the Bruins can wait. Just don’t bang any chicks on your way to the parking lot.

8. Peter Chiarelli Is Still Admiring Claude’s New Chin Pubes

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Big ups to Alison F for letting us use the picture :)

During the Stanley Cup playoffs, Claude Julien was called many things. Some were nice, some were nasty and some were just plain strange. Personally, I’ve said some things about Claude that weren’t to encouraging. Things like: “This guy sucks”, “His PP sucks”, “This is what a prom night dumpster baby looks like on skates” and someone even called him “Handsome Ralph” on a local radio show. Someone even called him a “Baby in a suit”, but I can’t remember who. Anyhow, Claude must have got wind of these “Baby in a suit” because he came into development camp rocking a salt and pepper goatee that would put Mike Lowell‘s to shame. Rumor has it that Julien walked into development camp and Peter Chiarelli had to be hosed down from the hotness. Apparently it has distracted him from calling Brad too.

7. Brad’s Still Inside Someone

Need I say more?

6. Chiarelli Won’t Add A “No T-Shirt” Clause To The Contract

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Jesus Christ. If you are either A) A Bruins fan or B) A Boston resident, you know about the shirtless exploits of Brad Marchand. I haven’t seen someone go shirtless for so long since that time I walked into “The Machine” thinking it was a hang out for the local machinist union. Boy, was my face red! Anyways, Brad Marchand has been running around New England with less clothes on than Lisa Ann and Ava Devine combined and apparently New England is cool with it. It’s believed that the numbers side of the contract is finished and the only snag is a contract clause or two. This is common on the business side of sports because players want to make sure they are getting everything out of their contract. Marchand’s clauses though are a little strange. Apparently the biggest issue is that Peter won’t allow a “No T-Shirt” clause into the contract, which contractually obligates Brad to not wear a t-shirt in and around the Bruins facilities and events. Figures Brad doesn’t want to sign on the dotted line.

5. Brad and Tyler Got An Apartment Together

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Ah young love, it really is sweet. Sometimes it takes odd events to bring people together and for Brad and Tyler, or Tradler as we will call them, it was winning the Stanley Cup. After that, the shirtless duo showed up everywhere rocking jeans that barely rose above their ding dongs and bared their moobies all over Boston. Also, that last statement is probably a pink stink’s wet dream. So what’s the logical thing to do when you love someone? Move in with them. I’m pretty sure Tradler got some run down apartment in Kaloomps, invited over some bitches and are playing Hinder really loud. Yeah, they definitely look like a Hinder couple. Who can hear the phone over “Lips of an Angel” turned up to 11?

4. Chiarelli Hasn’t Called Him Yet

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Look, signing a contract is a two-way street. Maybe I’m wrong about this whole thing. Maybe Brad is sitting at home by the telephone, hoping and praying that Peter calls like a rejected teenager hoping for a date to the prom. I can picture it. Those large, brown eyes crying sweet beer tears. Shaking and crying like those on Twitter who post about shaking and crying. Sitting there wondering if he’ll be in the NHL next season or shucking doughnuts to people at Tim Horton’s. Both have their advantages as Brad will be able to “R-R-R-R-R-R-ROLL UP TO THE RIM!” anytime he feels like in between whipping Timbits into some overweight broad’s mouth like those Big Bertha machines at Chuck E. Cheese. Maybe Peter is the one who hasn’t been calling. Peter Chiarelli does seem like the type who will meet with you and then say he’ll “call you in a few days” and then you’ll never hear from him again. Men. Psh.

3. Poor Reception In The Village of Boston

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Awhile back I wrote a touching piece about the rise of Jeremy Jacobs known as the Wizard of Boz. In that piece I wrote about the “Village of Boston” and it could be that when Brad returned home, he didn’t go to Canada, but the Village. I know some of you out there are thinking “well Greg, the Village of Boston is a pretty good market, it should have good reception”. Should it? Yes. Does it? Who knows. If I go to the Village of Boston, I’m called Gigantor and little tiny arrows are shot at me. It’s like Gulliver’s Travels without Jack Black’s shitty overacting and bad CGI. Anyways, just because Boston is the largest village in Boz doesn’t mean that the reception is good. Brad probably has Metro PCS.

2. Brad’s To Busy Hazing The Rookies

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Do you honestly think Brad Marchand would waste time talking contracts when he could be hazing rookies at development camp? Nothing tells Jared Knight “Welcome to Boston” like sitting in a urinal in his underwear and flushing it while singing “For Boston”. Who wouldn’t want to blindfold Dougie Hamilton, have him kneel over a toilet and scream “squeeze the shit!” while making him squeeze a banana? The thought of having David Warsofsky and Tommy Cross having gladiator style fights with brooms for pure Hockey East dominance? Classic. The reason Marchand hasn’t been around is because he’s too busy humiliating the rookies. Can’t say I blame him. I bet Chara dressed him up like Carlos from the Hangover and wore him around Slovakia. Not at the table, Brado!

1. Contract Is Already Done

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The reason we haven’t heard about Marchand getting a new contract? It’s already done. Marchand and Chiarelli have been working day and night since the end of Brad’s bender to get a contract done. The reason it hasn’t been announced yet is because, in pure Moshmont fashion, he’s going to announce it at a Bruins even while jumping out of a cake and wearing black and gold boobie tassles. I’m pretty sure they’ll play Black Eye Peas too because everyone seems to play that “Let’s Get It Started” or “Time of My Life” or whatever fucking jaunty tune they will be playing next. I hate the Black Eye Peas and Fergie has a fucking man face. Fuck her.

fergie pee pants

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