Despite all the partying over the Stanley Cup, we’re sure you all remember that Chara-Pacioretty incident and the stupid, idiotic aftermath of idiot media calling for idiot fans to call 9-1-1 and idiot media and idiot fans bugging prosecutors and police to charge Chara with a crime. For a hockey hit. Idiots.
Well that whole business should’ve been over and forgotten about. Unfortunately, because Montreal is so very very dumb, the book has not been closed on that incident.
Montreal police want to talk to Chara about the incident and apparently might charge him with something.
Charge him with what? Being a good defenseman? Being a Stanley Cup Champion? Having more toughness in his pinky that the entire Montreal roster has combined?
Who knows. Montreal is stupid. All we know is that there was a trial up in Montreal and the Days of Y’Orr staff was lucky enough to get exclusive coverage.
After the jump…. the Zdeno Chara Trial……
Welcome to the Zdeno Chara Trial. I am your judge, Judge Purrgeron.
Today we are reviewing the case of Montreal vs Zdeno Chara. Montreal prosecutors have charged Zdeno Chara with assault and battery, being too tall, and public nudity.
Representing Montreal will be Canadiens coach Jacques Martin and a team of lawyers hired by Air Canada. Representing Zdeno Chara will be the Bruins Bear and Mr. Stanley from Cup Champions and Associates.
Martin: Your honor, I have multiple objections! First of all there is an American flag in this Canadian court room and second, one of the defending attorneys is just the Stanley Cup with a tie!
Purrgeron: Overruled. Your city boos the American national anthem so I brought this flag for fun and quite frankly Mr. Martin I am shocked you know what the Cup looks like. Plus, I love Mr. Stanley’s tie. Proceed with your case Mr. Martin.
Martin: Ugh, fine. Unfortunately Max Pacioretty cannot take the stand today. He is still busy complaining about the lack of punishment on Twitter and to any reporter who will listen. We mean… umm…. he’s totally injured! Totally. The prosecution calls Tim Thomas to the stand.
Air Canada Lawyer: Tim, you wer…
Thomas: That is Mr. Thomas to you. Remember, I’m a champ.
Air Canada Lawyer: Mr. Thomas, you were there that night. Can you tell us what happened?
Thomas: I don’t remember, I was too busy being awesome. I remember Chara being tall and Montreal crying about it.
Air Canada Lawyer: But you let up four goals that night and…
Thomas: Did you say something? I was too busy polishing all my trophies.
Air Canada Lawyer: Your honor, the witness is being unreasonable!
Judge Purrgeron: The witness is being hi-larious. I think he’s answered all your questions. You are dismissed Mr. Thomas. Prosecution, please proceed.
Martin: We would like to call Brad Marchand to the stand.
Martin: Mr. Marchand, please put a shirt on!
Marchand: If you had abs like this, would you wear a shirt? Get to your questions dude, I got parties to get to.
Martin: Umm… okay. Ah… Brad, from your point of view, what did you see?
Marchand: I saw a hockey hit with an unfortunate result. Then I saw a lot of dudes in red jerseys acting like little bitches.
Martin: Based on your recent behavior, are you sure you were sober enough to be reliable?
Marchand: Notice that our bar tab didn’t include any crappy Molson beer? Screw Molson and screw you too! And screw Air Canada! All the ladies love flying Air Marchand! Now it is party time!
Judge Purrgeron: I suggest we all take a recess to get funky!
Martin: Dismissed. This trial is a sham!
Purrgeron: Your organization is a sham! Call your next witness and quit wasting this court’s time.
Martin: We’d like to call Shawn “Wayne” Thornton to the stand.
Martin: Mr. Thornton, is it really necessary to bring the Stanley Cup to the stand with you?
Martin: No further questions! And bring me a change of pants! Jesus that man is terrifying…
Judge Purrgeron: Plus you’re a Canadien wuss. Hurry up here I have to go smoke cigars and smile for hours with Nathan Horton.
Martin: I’d like to call Dr. Mark Recchi to the stand.
Martin: Dr. Recchi, you went on record saying that you didn’t think Max’s injuries were as serious as first reported. Why?
Dr. Recchi: I thought we covered this. It is called mind games! What what!
Martin: Excuse me?
Dr. Recchi: I pulled a Criss Angel Mind Freak on you!
Dr. Recchi: Except, you know, Criss Angel sucks and I’m a total bad ass.
Martin: So… are you saying you believe Pacioretty really wasn’t injured?
Dr. Recchi: Well, I’m not sure if he suffered any injury from the Chara hit per se but that whole city obviously suffers from some sort of brain damage if they thought charges should be pressed against Chara.
Judge Purrgeron: I agree Dr. Rex. High five!
Martin: This is stupid! You are dimissed Dr. Recchi. The prosecution would like to call Zdeno Chara to the stand.
Martin: Mr. Chara….
Martin: Yes, we get it, you are excited to win the Cup and you yell a lot. Tell us what happened that night.
Martin: Answer my question dammit!
Martin: MR. CHARA! Did you or did you not purposely and malicious drive Max Pacioretty into the stanchion and then laugh about it later!?
Chara: Glove doesn’t fit! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
Martin: That has nothing to do with this trial!
Chara: MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTIN! MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTIN! SAY WHAT?!
Martin: Dammit, dismissed! The prosecution rests dammit.
Judge Purrgeron: Good because you never had a case to begin with you idiots. Chara should charge you with being stupid. Defense team, please proceed with your argument.
Bear: I would like to call Mike Cammalleri to the stand please.
Bear: Hey Mike. You’ve been called a lot of things in your career. A diver. A wuss. An over rated piece of crap. A whiner. A guy who got his ass kicked by David Krejci. A Calgary Flame.
Cammalleri: Um, did you have a question?
Bear: No, I just hate you and wanted to tell you that to your face. You suck. Now get out of here before I feed you to Thornton and Campbell.
Cammalleri: Oh Jesus, NO!
Martin: Your honor, he is badgering the witness!
Bear: No, now I’m badgering the witness!
Judge Purrgeron: I’m going to allow it!
Cammalleri: OH GOD MY EYES!
Bear: See your honor? He can’t even see anything! His testimony is invalid. Dismissed!
Judge Purrgeron: Wow, you’re good dude. Call your next witness.
Bear: I would like to call Carey Price to the stand.
Bear: Careeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey’s a giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl’s name.
Price: …. words hurt.
Bear: So does your playoff record. Now Carey, rumor is Pacioretty slipped on some hair gel that fell from your head onto the ice and that is why he slipped into the stanchion. Thoughts?
Price: I… I guess there is a good chance. I mean, it takes a lot of work to look this douchey so I guess it could’ve happened. Wouldn’t be the first time.
Bear: That is what I thought. Thanks Carey, here’s a pack of smokes for you trouble. And remember…. Thomas owns you. The defense would now like to call Stanley Cup Winning GM Peter Chiarelli to the stand.
Bear: Thanks for coming Peter. Now, isn’t it true that despite his size and scary facial expressions that Chara is, in fact, a gentle giant?
Chiarelli: Truer words were never spoken sir. Chara is an absolute angel. In fact, he felt so bad about the incident that he took Max Pacioretty out for a night on the town in a well documented evening.
Bear: Peter, can you show the court the photos you have?
Chiarelli: Of course. In this first photo, you can see a jubliant Pacioretty sitting on top of Chara and the two are engaged in a playful, obviously delightful tickling match.
Bear: If that picture doesn’t set your heart a flutter and make rainbows spew from your rectum, you have no soul! I understand you have another photo?
Chiarelli: Yes, yes. As you can see in this photo, Chara has taken Pacioretty on a Swan Boat AND Pacioretty is wearing a bear hat, clearly in support of Chara and the Bruins. There are clearly no hard feelings.
Bear: Thanks Peter. You may step down and go back to being a champ now.
Judge Purrgeron: Bitching photos Pete.
Bear: The defense would like to call Zdeno Chara to the stand!
Bear: Look at that face! Could that be the face of a man who would purposely break somebody’s neck!? Of course not! We can’t put Chara in prison because his genetics made him super huge. Zdeno, how did you feel when you found out your pal Max was injured?
Bear: Let it out big guy. We’re all friends here:
Martin: Screw you, no we’re no….
Bear: Sorry Zdeno, he shouldn’t be a problem anymore. You can step down, I think we’ve proved our point. Anyway, if it pleases the court I’d like to present some more evidence in regards to how awesome Chara is. Here he is pushing Pacioretty on a swing!
Bear: By now you might be wondering why I wasted time calling Carey Price a douche and hitting people with badgers instead of presenting my clients case. The reason is that I am just so confident that my client didn’t do anything wrong and that Montreal is so stupid I didn’t feel the need to present a real case! Your honor, I think it is clear by now that my client is guilty of nothing more than being a tall person in a little person’s world and it is on that note that my other client would like to bring his counter suit against the Montreal Canadiens.
Judge Purrgeron: Your other client?
Bear: In the case of Stanchion vs the Montreal Canadiens, I would like to call the Stanchion to the stand!
Bear: Thank you for being here Mr. Stanchion, I know this must be difficult for you. Can you walk us through what happened that night?
Stanchion: Of course, though some of it is fuzzy due to the injuries I sustained. I remember Max and Zdeno seemed to be battling for the puck and then I remember thinking “man, I don’t think they can stop the momentum they might hit me” and then BAM! Next think I know I’m waking up and the game is over and everyone is yelling at me for breaking Max’s neck!
Bear: Isn’t is also true that you had been begging for extra padding for months prior to the incident and that Montreal refused, despite the fact that the vast majority of teams in the league had decided to add the extra padding for player saftey?
Stanchion: … yes, that is true. I begged and begged but Montreal ignored my pleas and all of a sudden one of their players gets hurt and they’re bashing the league about player saftey. They didn’t even think about me. I’m still suffering from the injuries. I haven’t been able to work since!
Bear: There, there lil guy. Everything is going to be okay. One more question… in your opinion… should Zdeno Chara be charged with a crime as a result of the hit?
Stanchion: Not at all. He couldn’t help it. Just a case of people going after him because he looks like a horror movie villian when he grows a beard.
Bear: Thank you Mr. Stanchion, you may step down. The defense rests your honor!
Judge Purrgeron: Thanks everyone. After hearing the testimony and reviewing all the evidence I have reached a verdict. In the case of the Montreal Canadiens vs Zdeno Chara, I find the defendent to be….
Judge Purrgeron: Quiet in my court room pansies! Furthermore, in regards to the counter suit, I find the Montreal Canadiens guilty of neglect, Guiness Book of World Records levels of stupidity and for being whiny little bitches who wish they were as good as the Bruins. I hereby order the Montreal Canadiens to pay damages in the amount of $1,000,000,000 to Mr. Stanchion and his family and to cover all the costs of Mr. Chara’s legal services and travel expenses. As for the members of the Montreal Canadiens involved in this whole stupid ordeal, I sentence you to ten years in Shawn Thornton’s basement dungeon with Dr. Recchi!
Brian: There you go guys! Chara has been proven innocent in this needless trial and here you can see him walking out of court with his teammates, big victorious smiles on their faces. What a day. This is Brian Fantana, signing off for Days of Y’Orr.