Why Vancouver is Dumb: Volume III


Welcome to Volume 3 of “Why Vancouver is Dumb!” We’re your hosts, Days of Y’Orr.

You can view Volume 1 and Volume 2 if you are new here.

For you returning customers, we thought we’d do something a little different today. To be honest, pointing out the reasons Vancouver (the fans, the players, the organization, etc) is dumb is just too easy. So we asked readers to send in some emails and we thought we’d answer them mailbag style. Enjoy!

EMAIL #1

From: kevinbieksa@whinybitch.com
To: daysofyorr@gmail.com
Subject: Waaaaaaaaaaah

Hey you Days of Y’Orr jerks,

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Wah wah wah! Wah! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Wah!

~ Kevin

Kevin,

Thank you for the email. You have cried so much this series that Vancouver is flooding. You cry because the Bruins are being too mean (Editor’s note: This is not a joke… he actually cried about it). You cry because the Bruins are being too rough with the Sedins. You cry because… well basically you just cry. Apparently this is the first time you’ve played hockey.

You talk about how the Canucks are above this sort of thing and how you have more respect for the game but then you go and dive left and right, try to dish out cheap shots and try to give people head shots (and fail you miserable bitch). Are you angry because you realize how much you absolutely suck? Shouldn’t you get back to being the conductor on the Canucks BoohoochooTrain?


After the jump….. we respond to a few more “emails”

 EMAIL #2

From: robertoluon8o@overratedgoalies.com
To: daysofyorr@gmail.com
Subject: Haha you suck Thomas!

Guys,

Can you believe Thomas let in that goal?! What a fool! He should really be more like me!

~ Lou

P.S. He keeps turning down my invitations to go out to dinner and he won’t compliment my hair. What is going on? :( :( :( 

Roberto,

Thanks for taking time away from greasing up your hair and picking up all the beachballs behind you to write into us. 

We’re assuming you’re like most Vancouver citizens and can’t do math but Thomas has let up less goals in the entire series than you let up in game 3 alone. If the Bruins had anything resembling a compotent power play this series would be over already and you could go back to avoiding questions from the media and getting hate mail from fans who are suddenly pretending you’re good.

Like the rest of your team, you’re acting like you’re hockey royalty when you haven’t won anything yet. The Vancouver Canucks are the Miami Heat of hockey and Vancouver’s fans are worse. You’re a whiny, emo little bitch who is lucky to be here so just shut up and go watch Tim Thomas videos to learn how to play hockey you fool.

We also thought we’d let our pal Wayne weight in on this email:


Well played Wayne. Well played.

EMAIL #3

From: CanucksFans6@throwingshitatoldpeople.com
To: daysofyorr@gmail.com
Subject: Stay Class you stupid Boston Fucks

Hey assholes,

You dumb fucking fucks wish you were half as classy as we are in Vancouver. We hope Nathan Horton’s head falls off you gay dudes. You wish you were half as classy as Vancouver you dumb shits. Go make more immature pictures while we tea bag your moms you unclassy fools! OMG LMAO! HAHAHA.

Go fuck yourself,

~ Vancouver fans

Yeah, you’re right Vancouver. It is not like you threw stuff at Lucic’s grandparents and were rude to Boston fans. Oh wait, you did and you were. Your fans and your organization make up stories that you eat up while trying to make yourselves feel elite or better but the fact is for every one idiot Boston fan there’s two idiot Canucks fans. Stop acting like you’re saints up in Vancouver.

You’re a fan base that constantly goes on message boards begging for a Luongo trade then celebrate when the Bruins refuse to challenge him and feed him a victory. And then the fact that you’re trying to use Aaron Rome’s cheap shot as a rallying point just shows how stupid you are and you’re too stupid to realize the rest of Canada hates you.

Every one in your fan base uses the “classy” argument but what is hilarious is all the emails, comments and tweets we get look something like this:

“You guys are fucking faggots. I hope Nathan Horton never plays again! Making posters about the Canucks? Real mature you fucking homos. Stay classy.”

This was a 100% real email we got, and dozens more sound exactly the same. Apparently Canucks fans don’t understand irony because saying shit like that and then calling yourselves classy is hi-larious. But please keep sending these emails. We get a kick out of them.

Wayne?


Thanks buddy. 

Here, why don’t you keep crying about nonsense and use the same tissues your coach uses.


EMAIL #4

From: alainvigneault@sandyvagina.com
To: daysofyorr@gmail.com
Subject: Tell the B’s to quit being jerks

Hey guys,

Seriously, can you tell the Bruins to stop roughing up my guys and to start responding to our stupid insults and constant whining?

Tim Thomas keeps playing in the neutral zone and it is terrible! How dare the Bruins offer resistance to our juggernaut of a team! I’m tearing up just thinking about this! Now I have to go get a hug from my mom and get more tissues!

Cry, cry, cry, cry.

Sincerely,

Alain Vagneault

Hey Alain McVaginaface,

Is there anything you don’t whine about? What a great example for young kids and players. If you don’t get what you want, cry about it!


Exactly Wayne. What a joke. The Canucks whine, cry, dive and take cheap shots and it is okay. But if the Bruins respond all of a sudden the Canucks try to make a federal case out of it. 


The city and the fans have taken their coach’s lead and are crying about everything. Any time a Boston writer or blogger posts something, Canucks fans run to their computer to bitch about it. They’re about two minutes away from pulling a Habs and calling 9-1-1. These idiots, and by idiots we mean everyone who lives in, plays fpr or likes Vancouver, don’t realize their team is so whiny and cowardly that an entire league, even Bruins rivals, are rooting against the Canucks.

So you keep sending your “stay classy” emails while you swear and call us homos, keep acting like you’ve won 80 championships in a row and keep whining about the Bruins. Bruins in 7 you whiny bitches.

About Jon

Jon loves Batman, The Joker, the Bruins and hates you. Especially you. He has a man crush on David Backes and hopes to someday be Mrs. Jon Boychuk.

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