I’m sick of talking about Vancouver now. I truly am. I’m sick of reading about them in blogs, I’m sick of reading about them on Twitter and Facebook. I’m sick of hearing about the Canucks on the radio. I’m sick of talking about them with friends, family and co-workers. I’m sick of Vancouver. It’s a shame that this hockey game has turned into the “12 Days of Vancouver” because it makes me want to blow my brains out. Burrows and Lapierre and Marchand and Salo, oh my!
So it’s time to refocus on a rivalry that truly means something: The Montreal Canadiens.
Having a tough time getting “into” it now that Vancouver is back in there cave? Well here you go:
If that doesn’t make you remember why this rivalry is so intense, nothing will. Look, I know the on-ice fuckery of the Vancouver Canucks can’t be dismissed but the king of on-ice fuckery will always be the Canadiens. Look at the history. Up until the Stanley Cup Finals,the Bruins and Canucks have had very little on-ice issues. Since last year’s Finals everyone believes that the Canucks and Bruins are “major rivals” but I think that’s not true. Yes, a 7 game series can breed a lot of hatred and contempt for one another, but when the two teams played in February before the Finals there was very no issues.
The Montreals Canadiens are in a pretty shitty position right now however we should be eating this up. The Canadiens are currently 12th in the East with 39 points and 7 out of the final playoff spot. Imagine if the Canadiens don’t make the playoffs? Remember all the chirping and tweets about how “amazing” the Canadiens are throughout the years? It’s a god damn ghost town now. I don’t hear anything about the dominance of the bleu, blanc and rouge and it’s undeniably boner inducing.
I mean, we got sucked into this Canucks bullshit so much that we missed the Canadiens’ language rally. A FUCKING LANGUAGE RALLY! We were to busy analyzing Sami Salo doing cartwheels over Brad Marchand videos to realize that in Montreal people are holding rallies because their coach doesn’t speak French.
The announcement of a unilingual Anglophone coach is the straw that broke the camel’s back,” said Mouvement Québec français leader Mario Beaulieu in a press statement.
This is a real thing. I didn’t make this shit up, hell, I couldn’t make this shit up! Who cares that the Canadiens are 3-7-0 in their last 10 games. Who cares that they’re under .500 on at home (7-86) and on the road (9-11-1). Wait, their road record is 9-11? 9-1-1?! This has to be some sort of omen. Some sort of sign. Right? No? Okay. So the Habs are under-performing. Their highest paid player, Scott Gomez, hasn’t registered a goal all season and hasn’t even played since who the fuck knows when. $7M bucks for 13 games, sign me the fuck up please.
So in all this mess that’s the Montreal organization, the only thing bringing people together is the fact their coach can’t speak French? What’s worse is that the organization apologized for hiring an English speaking-only coach. Can you grasp this concept for a minute? The organization, who hired Cunneyworth, is now apologizing for hiring him. Imagine if the company you worked for hired you and then sent out a press release saying “Ah, we’re sorry he hired this stupid sonofabitch”. Knowing how squirrley the Canadiens organization is they probably wrote it in French too so Cunneyworth couldn’t read it.
“Ah, nous sommes désolés il a embauché ce fils de pute stupide”
The bigger problem is that Cunneyworth is probably a good dude. He probably likes to sit at home and play with his kids while his wife knits them all matching barber pole striped sweaters. He probably reads “Goodnight Moon” to his kids and then gently kisses them on their forehead when it’s bedtime. He probably showers his wifes with gifts. His wife probably shaves her head to buy him an elegant platinum watch chain for his watch while he sells his watch to buy her hair clips.
But in Montreal he’s a monster. All he does is eat children, ride motorcycles, punch old ladies in the face and…the worst part of all…
SPEAK IN ENGLISH!
After the jump, lets finish this big boy off...
Projected Lines Milan Lucic – David Krejci – Nathan Horton
Beniot Pouliot – Patrice Bergeron – Tyler Seguin
Zach Hamill – Chris Kelly – Rich Peverley
Danny Paille – Greg Campbell – Shawn Thornton
Zdeno Chara – Johnny Boychuk
Dennis Seidenberg – Andrew Ference
Joe Corvo – Adam McQuaid
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DROP THE PUCK YOU FRANCOPHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE