Bruins Have Sore Bums From Ass Whopping. BRUINS LOSE.

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God fucking dammit! You know when I start a recap out with swears it’s going to be a bad one. The Bruins shit their pants last night so much that they needed shovels to clean themselves. What a horrible, horrible hockey game that was last night. There’s no other way I can properly describe it using all the venom inside my body. Was it an abortion? No. Was it equivalent to a Rick Perry speech? I wish. Was it like hanging out with a hippo when it’s trying to take a shit, but then it’s tail starts wagging, spraying shit all over the place and on you? We could only hope.

I’ve seen some bad hockey games in my lifetime, but last night was baaaaaad. Here’s a representation of me watching the game last night:

boo
Yeah, I turned into a little girl with pig tails who looks like she could win gold at the Special Olympics. I was staring at the TV like it came alive, ran into my kids’ room and then smothered both of them with a flaming pillow. It was a shit show beyond all shit shows. It was like a three ring circus of excrement.  It was a terrible lost against one of the worst teams in the NHL. That’s what brings my piss to a boil. The Bruins can beat the likes of the Detroit Red Wings, the Philadelphia Flyers and the Pittsburgh Penguins but they can’t manage one single win against the Carolina fucking Hurricanes. 

The Hurricanes! 0-4 on the season. 0 and fucking 4.

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My mind is freaked. It’s like Criss Angel turned over what rock he was living under, took my brain out of my head and fucked the shit out of it. I mean, the Bruins made the Canes look like magicians anyways. Staal’s first goal? Horrible. Chara was standing around in front of the net like he was tilling his cabbage patch and the puck went swiftly by him. I was waiting for him to just yell ‘OMG WTF” on the ice as Staal powered that thing past Rask. 

It’s mystifying. 

Does Carolina have dirty pictures on Claude Julien? Is that why Julien can never seem to get his guys to play well against Carolina? I mean, it’s fucking Carolina. I know, I know, I keep going back to record and what not, but they aren’t good. May as well throw in a 4 game losing streak against Columbus and add some mayo to this shit sandwich. 

Also, fuck you cam Ward. Your name is terrible. May as well be known as Mike Smith or John Johnson. That’s about as generic as eating Rite-Aid “Frosty Corn Flakes” cereal instead of Frosted Flakes. Instead of Tony the Tiger, they have Larry the Llama screaming “THEY’RE GOOD!” on the bag. Yeah, a fucking bag of cereal. 

abe lincoln
After the jump, we break down the Bruins game...

positives

The game ended. There’s your positive for last night’s game. The clock didn’t get stuck at 1.8 seconds and make this game linger longer than it needed to. If that game had gone any longer, I would’ve jumped off of my second story porch and hopefully snapped my neck in 12 different pieces. 

No More Canes. No more Carolina on Boston’s schedule because the Bruins can’t seem to beat them. Whoever Boston plays in the playoffs should just call up Carolina and asked them what their deal is. Apparently the Canes hold all the answers. 

negatives
Everything. 

dr evil
Defense. Offense. Power Play. All of it was bad. 

Joe Corvo. Joe Corvo fucking sucks. He’s the 2011-2012 version of Tomas Kaberle. He’s a fucking turnstile out there. 

lingering
- Why is Joe Corvo still playing?

- When will Joe Corvo punch a tranny and get suspended forever?

- When did Joe Corvo take the Hal Gill “School for Defensemen” classes?

- Does anyone actually like Joe Corvo?

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