Cure for the Bruins? Jean Claude Van Julien!

The Bruins have been slumping hardcore lately. Julien has tried mixing up the lines, demoting players to lower lines and threatening to bang players’ wives while they watch. Nothing has worked.

Maybe the Bruins are tired. Maybe something bigger is going on. Maybe they read KPD and are drunk enough to think any of the rumors he proposes are actually true. You know, like the Bruins trading Doug Hamilton for P.K. Slewban. Senile old fool.

Anyway…

Whatever it is, the Bruins need help. After getting shut out yet again, this time to the lowly Wild on Sunday, Julien had seen enough. He decided to put the Bruins through a hellish practice.

Suicide drills? Skating until they faint? Being forced to stand in front of Chara slapshots for an hour? Watching a “Vancouver Canucks Stanley Cup Victories!” DVD? No, it was worse. Much worse. Julien’s rage transformed him into something more than a coach, more than a monster. He snapped and became…


After the jump….. Julien whips the Bruins into shape….. literally…..

Julien had been training with Shawn Thornton the past few days but Thornton didn’t think anything of it. After all, everyone wants Thornton to train them at something and he is just used to being awesome.


Then this morning Julien walked into practice. He barely spoke. He let his fists do the talking. Shawn Thornton is one of the few Bruins who even tries lately so he just grabbed Lucic and Kelly, made some popcorn and sat on the bench watching the show because he realized what was coming.

Julien started with Captain Zdeno Chara. His play has been painfully poor lately and Jean Claude Van Julien had seen enough. He told Chara that he needed to lead by example and get the troops back to playing their game. Chara just sat there looking smug and tall. Jean Claude Van Julien was not intimidated. He wiped that creepy smile right off Chara’s face.


Chara ended up with a belly full of fist and we got an answer to the age old question of if a Chara is punched in the tummy by his coach, does he make a sound? Yes. “OH GOD MY TUMMY! WAAAAAAH!”

With Chara down, a stunned Bruins team watched as Julien continued his rampage.

The Bruins knew when they traded for Joe “Turnover” Corvo that he wasn’t exactly stellar on defense. However his poor play, his inability to keep the puck in at the blueline in the offensive zone and his penchant for assisting on opposing teams’ goals drove Jean Claude Van Julien mad. He decided a Joe Corvo with a broken neck was more useful than a healthy Joe Corvo.


SNAP! SNAP! And just like that the defense was instantly improved.

Julien was going to pummel Lil Stevie Kampfer next but no one knew whether or not he was already on a bus to Providence and he’s invisible anyway.

Jean Claude Van Julien ain’t nothing to mess with. He challenged the rest of the roster to give him one good reason not to beat their faces in.


Ference started to speak up for the defense but before he could finish Julien had pummeled him and the rest of the defense so hard their momma’s felt it. Or in Ference’s case, so hard Momma Earth felt it.


The defense couldn’t fool Jean Claude Van Julien. He has seen them play the past month and they’ve been atrocious! The Jets look at the Bruins defense lately and say “wow they suck!”

Julien heard his lazy center David Krejci snicker in the back as the entire defensive squad lay motionless on the ice. Bad move Krejci.

Krejci is a very talented player who only plays when he feels like it. He hasn’t felt like playing in weeks. The last time Krejci felt like using his talent consistently the DOY had thrown there TV out the window because of the new Twilight movie ads. 

Krejci’s laziness and blatant disregard for his talent enrages Julien in general but today… Krejci made a HUGE mistake.

Julien jumped over the other players and landed right in front of Krejci, much to his surprise!


Krejci was going to do a sweet move but this is the regular season so he didn’t care. Then Van Julien gave Krejci a FURIOUS body blow that floored Krejci, which is ironic because that is where Krejci’s level of play has been.


The Bruins were starting to get the picture. Julien wasn’t taking their poor play with a half smile anymore. No more big, cuddly coach. He meant business.

Marchand made a joke about clipping Krejci when he gets up and made a move to take his shirt off but Jean Claude Van Julien was there with lightning speed (even faster than the speed at which the Tampa Bay Lightning plummeted in the standings after their fluke playoff run last year)!


Julien told him if he didn’t get back to playing with his edge and putting more pucks on net the next kick to the face would be Marchand’s last. He also said he’d cut off little Brad.

Then Mr. Van Julien went right after his goalie tandem. Lately even Steve Mason stops more shots than these two. Rask and Thomas have made some fans fond for the days of Jim Carey and Hannu Toivonen. Julien figured if they were going to let themselves get beat in games he was going to beat the piss out of them in practice as punishment.

A quick roundhouse kick to Thomas prematurely ended his Facebook updates for the day. Julien made a FootImprint update to Thomas’ face.

Rask ran to the parking lot and tried to get to his car and throw his strange Finnish sweaters at Julien but no one is faster than Jean Claude Van Julien. The ass whipping Julien laid down on Rask was rated “R” for Ridiculous.


Right after the beating Julien ripped a milk crate in half then spit on it before he threw it at Rask. The ruined milk crate went right past Rask’s glove hand.

Next up was poor, poor Danny Paille. Julien knows he tries his best but all those breakaways Paille misses could have been key goals for the Bruins. Julien doesn’t hate Paille… he just hates Paille’s hands. Julien told Paille that if he didn’t score on his next breakaway, his hands would be broken!


Julien was so pissed that when Chiarelli came down onto the ice to admire Julien’s work, Julien kicked his boss in the face and demanded he trade for more depth so he could start benching some of “these bums” until they start playing better.


This sort of backfired on Julien because an unconscious man cannot make phone calls to other GMs. But Jean Claude Van Julien said that was Chiarelli’s problem.


After practice a battered and bruised team, minus a laughing Shawn Thornton, headed to the kitchen to get some treats and soda to try to cheer themselves up. Julien was waiting for them.


He sat on the counter and said treats were for winners and that if any of them except Thornton, Lucic and Kelly tried to go for the treats he’d kick their faces off of their faces and then trade them all to Columbus. This moment was known as the Gasp Heard ‘Round Wilmington.

He didn’t wait for his team to respond. He knew that perhaps a little sabotage mission was in order just in case. Julien jumped on a plane, but no one knew where he was going.

The next day in Pittsburgh, the players were curious about the new practice goalie but no one paid too much attention. The new goalie said he had an issue with his pads and slipped off to the locker room. A few minutes later, Sidney Crosby ran into the locker room to tell the trainers he was feeling much better and that he thought he could play soon!

Jean Claude Van Julien had other ideas.


One Sweet Chin Music with skates later and Crosby was having concussion like symptoms again. Ouch. Julien is one mean son of a bitch. Julien was then seen placing a small bag of powder in Malkin’s locker before fleeing the scene.

He was last seen in the woods in Wilmington eating snakes and punching trees with his players’ names on them, refusing to return out of fear he may in fact end his players if they don’t start playing like the Bruins again soon.


But his players learned their lesson. You do NOT want to see Jean Claude Van Julien again. So play better dammit!

About Jon

Jon loves Batman, The Joker, the Bruins and hates you. Especially you. He has a man crush on David Backes and hopes to someday be Mrs. Jon Boychuk.

Quantcast