We were perusing the internet this morning around the Days of Y’Orr offices when Patrice Purrgeron sent us a link of a bunch of articles talking about the “Bruins Keys to Game Seven.”
The articles are exactly what they sound like. Various writers (professional, amateur and inbred alike) all had their various takes on what the Bruins need to do to win tonight. Some of the points were valid and insightful. They even made us scratch our beards and say “hmmmmmmmmm.”
But the vast majority of the points were so obviously and moronic that we had no idea why someone would even bother writing them. For the sake of these folks we will not use their names or link to their articles, however we have taken some of their “Keys” and reviewed them below.
After the jump….. Days of Y’Orr’s Keys to Game Seven…..
(1) Score More Goals Than Washington
This was an actual Key on one of the lists. Really?! The Bruins need to score more goals than Washington to win!?!? Shit… we thought that the home team just always won in these situations. We weren’t even going to go to the game. That puts a real damper on our day! Hopefully the Bruins SCORZ MOAR GOOLS!
(2) Don’t Take Penalties
Maybe we’re nitpicking here but we expect “keys” to be match ups, coaching decisions, etc. Saying that if the Bruins take too many penalties they will “be in trouble” is like saying “don’t stick your penis in an electrical socket or you’ll be in trouble.” We all know this. It couldn’t be more obvious. But sometimes you’re bored and feeling adventurous.
(3) Julien Needs to Keep Matching Up Seidenberg With Ovechkin Whenever Possible
This one is actually valid. We just wanted to take a moment to praise Mr. Seidenberg for the phenomenal job he has done containing Ovierated in this series. Seidenberg is a Beast trapped in a man’s body. The Hockey Gods consult Seidenberg before making any decisions. He’s got more blocks and less wedding dresses than Dennis Rodman. For lunch he puts pucks between two slices of bread and eats it without any condiments and doesn’t even care. Everyone talks about Horton being an underrated pick up for the Bruins. Seidenberg needs to be in that conversation as well.
(4) Stop the Puck From Going in the Net
…sorry. We were banging our heads against the keyboard because someone wrote that and thought it was insightful.
We were under the impression that Chara, Seidenberg and Thomas were going to set up lawn chairs and a margarita machine beside the net and watch Netflix on a portable DVD player while the Capitals just endlessly scored. We’re pretty sure Julien never says “Hey guys, before we go out there remember to stop the pucks from going in the net” because that should be implied. Anyone who doesn’t know that is not in the NHL or is Steve Mason or played in the Penguins-Flyers series.
(5) Don’t Get Caught Watching
What? Porn? Your neighbors boning behind an open window? Bruce Boudreau’s cholesterol? Stupid, stupid point. We want to give you a Backstrom CrossCheck (copyright pending).
(6) Don’t Diddle Kittens
This wasn’t on any of the lists but we read a highly disturbing news post and we just want to make sure none of our readers are molesting cute little kitties.
(7) Get More Traffic in Front of the Net
Okay, so this one is obvious but not bad. Well, it is obvious to everyone but the Bruins apparently. As a whole, the Bruins are bigger physcially than the Caps. Wideman and Erskine have been a regular pairing. So Bruins, you’re telling us you can’t force your way to the front of the net with Wideman and Eriskine on the ice?! Wideman is afraid of his own shadow if there isn’t a ref around and Erskine is slower than Canucks fans. GET TO THE FRONT OF THE NET YOU JERKS!
(8) Solve Holtby
See Key Seven. Has Holtby made some amazing saves? Sure. But when 99% of your shots are from the outside when Holtby can clearly see the puck, it really isn’t all that amazing that he’s been so “good.” Vesa Toskala could stop these shots. He should thank the Bruins for making him look good.
(9) Don’t Look Ahead to the Next Round
Really? Don’t start planning for a game that might not even happen? Well Mr. Holmes thank you for solving that mystery and digging up that juicy nugget of dumb-assery. Unless Ms. Cleo is in the locker room we don’t think anyone on the Bruins in looking ahead. They know how this works. Sure, the possibility of fancing either Ottawa or Florida in the next round might make other teams salivate a little but to say this is a “key” is dumber than Canucks fans saying “At least we won the Presidents Trophy!” Looking ahead is just as meaningless as the Presidents Trophy or sex with that drunk tramp last Saturday.
(10) Play Hard Every Shift
Really? In a win or go home game, your advice to the Bruins is to play hard every shift? Comments like these make us want to play hard every shift with your mom and then make you watch the VERY graphic video tape.