DOY’s Guide To Surviving An(other) NHL Lockout

DOY Bruins survival
Guys, it’s time for us to get serious for a moment. There’s a potential NHL lockout looming and we need to face the facts. Burying our heads in Revere Beach’s sand or cupping our ears and singing Zombie Nation at a super high pitch isn’t going to make this go away. There’s about a month left from now until September 15th, the date Gary Bettman has set as the deadline to get a deal done before players are locked out. It’s terrible. Really fucking terrible. 

As I write this, DOY staff is currently writing a list of things that we will need to make sure that we don’t go batshit crazy during the lockout period, whether its a day or a month or a year. Most of the things may be applicable to you because most of them will be about hockey, but some of them may not. Either way, by the end of this list, I’m hoping that we will all be ready to hunker down and spend a little time underground without watching men on skates slap black rubber things into twine. It’s just something we may need to come to terms with. 

So without further adieu, DOY’s Guide To Surviving An(other) NHL Lockout

 

1. NHL 13
NHL 13

First off, fuck Claude Giroux. If I can’t watch hockey, I’m certainly not going to look at a cover that has a Philadelphia Flyer on it. Instead, I google “NHL 13 Seguin” which brought me this lovely custom cover. There’s one for the XBOX 360 and one for the PS3. All you need to do is print this bad boy out and slip it over Claude’s ugly mug and fucked up wrists and you’re all set. While it may not be as good as the real thing, this is something that will definitely kill time and allow you to get your hockey fix, especially if you play in a GM Connected League. DOY is running one for the 360 [which is currently full, but taking people for a waitlist] and Stanley Cup of Chowder is running one for the PS3 based off of our awesome rules. 

If you’re not an online person, the improvements to the AI should give you enough of a challenge for you to enjoy the offline modes of Be A Pro and Be a GM. Features added for Be A Pro such as requesting a trade and contracts should keep you glued to the mode, though I always find it to be boring. I know a lot of people like it, but it’s not for me. Also, if you’re like me, you’ll be hunkered down with some people and NHL is an awesome game for co-op or 1 on 1. 

2. Alcohol
whiskey

Whiskey is the drink of choice when it comes to DOY, but it can be anything with an alcohol content. Alcohol will make you sleep better at night, make your days more interesting and it just makes life so much better. Don’t believe me? Rip a few shot of ‘ol Jame-o and tell me you’re not having a great day. I dare you. I double dog dare you. If you’re alone and worried about being thought of as a drunk because you’re drinking alone; don’t. You’re never drinking alone when you’re with friends, even invisible ones. 

I hope your bunker has some sort of bathroom area, whether it be an actual toilet, can, litter box or Montreal Canadiens jersey to soak up all of your bodily waste. I find that the red Habs jersey really goes well with Bud Mud because, essentially, they’re both one in the same. 

3. Team Specific DVDs
hockey dvd
Without any hockey, some people get crazy. Like rub deer urine all over yourself and run into the woods screaming phrases in German crazy. To alleviate any of this craziness, I strongly suggest that you purchase some team-based hockey DVDs to watch. If you’re a Bruins fan, you need this and this and this. Pens fan? No problem, we got you covered with this and this. Kings fan? On it. Fan of the Phoenix Coyotes? Sorry. No matter who you’re a fan of, there is probably a DVD or two out there for you to watch your team in their glory. 

At first, it’ll hurt, I’m not going to lie. Watching your team smile and laugh with one another, score goals and throw checks, lift the Stanley Cup over their head in a unified celebration that consists of “fuck yeahs”, tears and laughter will hurt. Hell, a piece of you may die as it happens. Through that pain, though, comes acceptance and eventual peace. While it’s not the same as watching a game live, it’s the next best thing. Especially because then you don’t have a shitload of commercials. 

4. Hockey Movies
miracle

If you root for a shitty team like the Wild or Maple Leafs and have nothing to fall back on, there’s always the general hockey movie. There’s so many good fucking hockey movies that I’m sure I’ll leave some out, but here it goes (not in any particular order):

  1. Miracle
  2. Slapshot
  3. Mighty Ducks 1
  4. Mighty Ducks 2
  5. Mystery, Alaska
  6. Sudden Death (YES, SUDDEN DEATH)
  7. The Rocket
  8. Goon
  9. Youngbloods

Just to name a few. If you put Slapshot 2 or Mighty Ducks 3 on this list, please enjoy our fine selection of bleach and anti-freeze shots for you to drink. We have a fine array of them for you. 

5. Hockey Jerseys
horsehead

Yes I own this jersey and yes it’s fucking awesome, by the way. When you’re hunkered down and you miss your team, put on the sweater and run around your compound. Pretend you’re Zdeno Chara slapping the puck through the face of Carey Price. Pretend you’re  Milan Lucic and run Ryan Miller like he’s never been ran before. Put on your team jersey and just live life my man. Not only are these jerseys stylish, but for all you fatties out there, they hide the spare tire very well. Also the more “vintage” the jersey, the better. Long live the Whale! 
 
6. Comics
killing joke

Here at DOY HQ we love our comics. Whether it’s Batman (and only Batman for DC because Superman sucks) or an array of Marvel comics, you really can’t go wrong with what you read. With that said, I believe that you should stock up on some comics, whether the physical copy or the digital copy, to take your mind off of hockey. Sometimes forgetting about something you really love and miss is the best way to cope with it. Take a plunge into Arkham Asylum or swing around New York with Peter Parker. There’s some really good comics out there, but what my preference is is another topic.

Also, read The Killing Joke. Probably the best Batman graphic novel ever made.

7. Knee Hockey/Shinny
shinny

I’m down with my Canadian lingo. I knew it was called Shinny because I have awesome Canadian friends. If you can’t handle playing video game hockey and you can’t handle not watching hockey, you could always play some knee hockey. I’ve never played it, but from what I’ve seen, it looks like it’s a good fucking time. Basically you play hockey on your knees. Who doesn’t love being on their knees? There’s also an outdoor water version that looks totally tits.  

We feel that with this list, you’re on the right foot towards staying sane during a potential troubling time. 

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