Hit Holtby With Your Worst Shots…Fire Awaaaay! BRUINS LOSE.

God damn it, god FUCKING damn it.  Hey look guys, it’s a frustrating loss that can’t be blamed on Thomas or the defense, the offense just needs to wake up…what a unique issue for the Bruins!  Holtby is looking like a superstar, but in reality, all he really needs to do is stand there with his arms and legs spread and the Bruins will make damn sure he stops the puck.  Their offense is like a barren wasteland.

Actually that’s not quite true, will all the shots they’re getting, their offense is more like a drunk girl that teases you with the promise of sex all night, then passes out before giving it up!

…wow that analogy hit a little too close to him.

Admittedly, we’re focusing on the negative, a lot of Bruins did play well, and the series is still tied at 2-2 with two of the remaining games at home, but this just felt like a game the Bruins should have won.  But instead of capitalizing (pun intended) on Backstrom being out and going up 3-1, the Bruins blew it and are now just making things harder on themselves.

After the jump, we break it all down

– We’d like to thank the Capitals for making up stories about Bruins players. Because of their stupidity, our boy Bergeron is a star! He’s even coming out with a new movie based on the idiotic claims Dale Hunter made!

– Love the effort from Seguin. He’s a bit “snake bitten” as they say but he went all out on every shift tonight. We think he just needs that first goal and then the floodgates will open.

– Seidenberg is the man. He has OWNED Ovechkin. It is like Seidenberg can read Ovierated’s mind.

– Peverley is certainly rounding into form. He’s scoring goals, blocking shots and biting sticks in half!

– Unlike Fleury and Bryzgalov, Tim Thomas thrives in the playoffs. The playoffs are his domain. He just loves the pressure. We love you Timmy. We’d let you have us if you wanted to.

Boy do we have a treat for you today. We’ve booked the hottest new band in the country to play for you during intermission. Ladies and gentlemen… Backstrom and Cross Check Family Band!

– Capitals fans who can’t understand why Backstrom was suspended. 

– Ovechkin is such a terrible captain. We almost put this in the Positives section because it is great for the other 29 teams in the NHL. Except Columbus. They really, really suck. Ovechkin has got to be the most selfish player in the league. If the guy had any heart at all and even tried to play the slightest bit of defense instead of just watching until he gets the puck the Capitals might not be known as playoff chokers.

– B’s really need to capitalize on Holtby’s rebounds. The guy is apparently made of rubber because everything bounces off him but the Bruins just can’t take advantage as much as they should be.

– Alzner wasn’t so brave tonight, was he?

Notice the Stanley Cup patch on Lucic’s jersey Alzner. Remember when you were th… oh right, you play for the Capitals.

– Bruins still getting a ton of shots but it seems like they are going for quantity over quality. They have that deer in the headlights look on their really good chances and just shoot it for the sake of shooting it apparently.

– Awful, AWFUL call on Bergeron. Apparently Washington’s ridiculous claims that Bergeron is a goon had an affect on the refs.

– Courtesy of Joe Haggerty: “Dennis Wideman has now been on ice for every 5-on-5 goal that the Bruins have scored this season.” Dennis, do you know you really suck?

– Great. Glad that didn’t have to get awkward.

– Ted Leonsis eats kittens :( :( :(

– “Remember, the Stanley Cup Champions always get the benefit of the doubt.” Apparently crying works. What a terrible, terrible organization Washington is. Champions don’t cry. This is one of many reasons the Caps are Cup-less. Excuses, excuse, excuses.

– The Bruins were not intimidated by John Erskine at all and he look terrible. Well played Dale Hunter. 

If you’re like us, by the time the second intermission rolls around you’ve got some rumblies in your tumblies. Rich Peverley, can you recommend a good intermission snack?

Yeah I think we’ll just order pizza instead. That looks awful.

– By the end of this series, will the Bruins average more than their current 1.75 Goals Per Game?

– Will the Penguins win tonight? For those of you who don’t care, think about it.  If Pittsburgh gets knocked out, we may have to play back to back afternoon games this weekend. The horror!!!!!

– How long until Washington accuses the Bruins of trying to hurt Holtby by shooting the puck right at him?

About Trashboy Jon

Jon loves Batman, The Joker, the Bruins and hates you. Especially you. He has a man crush on David Backes and hopes to someday be Mrs. Jon Boychuk.