For as long as we can remember, the Days of Y’Orr staff has always thought Buffalo was a terrible, terrible city with absolutely no redeeming qualities. They’re famous for wings and choking, and vicariously choking on wings. That is it. The best thing to do in Buffalo is to pack up and get the hell out of there as fast as you can.
We weren’t alone in our thoughts, even from people who live in Buffalo, but we were looking for a solid confirmation. Finally, one of the most revered professors in Boston finally confirmed what all of us were thinking.
”Buffalo is the absolute worst place to go to in the NHL …”
Professor Marchand was doing an interview on a really shitty radio station this morning and released the report on his findings.
After the jump….. the exclusive Professor Marchand report on why Buffalo is the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked…..
There are rougly 1,347,855 reasons why Buffalo sucks and we would be here forever if we were to detail each one of Professor Marchand’s findings so instead we’ll give you the highlights on his report:
CITIZENS CONSTANTLY JAY WALKING
In his recent visits to the City That No One Cares About, Marchand found that residents of Buffalo had a blatant disregard for the law. People wearing Sabres jerseys were just strolling out into the road and then crying when the cars hit them.
What a bunch of hooligans. Quite frankly they all deserve to get nailed.
According to Professor Marchand’s research, the lady from those annoying “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” commercials coaches what passes for a hockey team in this city.
BUFFALO LOVES ANIMAL RAPE
Professor Marchand believes all creatures deserve our love and respect. Apparently, the city of Buffalo approves of surprise butt sex against any and all animals. Poor little guys!
ALL RIGHT LANES IN THE CITY ARE TOO WIDE
For some reason the right side of every street in Buffalo is really, really wide. Even when the streets are really close to the buildings. Professor Marchand found it virtually impossible to drive around the city and witness a number of accidents involving drivers in the narrow left lanes.
TOO MANY DEPRESSED CITIZENS
Professor Marchand prides himself on his ability to get under the skin of opponents and draw them into stupid penalties so he can score with their moms and/or sisters.
Unfortunately, the citizens of Buffalo are so depressed because they have to live in Buffalo that they are too busy cutting themselves or writing in their journals to pay attention to Marchand’s hilarious antics.
CONSTANT TEAR FLOODS
During his visits to Buffalo Professor Marchand observed a strange anomally that only been witnessed in Vancouver. Whenever a penalty is called on the Sabres or if one of their players take a cheap shot and then gets their ass kicked, the streets of Buffalo begin to flood, with tears washing away anything in their path of complaining and misplaced sorrow.
TOM BRADY WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE HOTELS
THEY THINK RYAN MILLER IS A GOOD GOALIE
NOT EVEN SEGUIN CAN GET DRUNK ENOUGH TO BANG THE WOMEN OF BUFFALO
Gross. Buffalo women are gross.
For certain parts of his report Professor Marchand collaborated with his long time colleague Dr. Cornelius Hardenbergh III, Esquire. After a number of tests and experiments, they both came to the same conclusion. Why does Buffalo suck?
Can’t argue with that logic.