Rest in Peace Buffalo Sabres…

We are gathered here today to mourn the Buffalo Sabres 2011-12 season, a season that saw them miss the playoffs and extend their streak to 42 years without a sip from Lord Stanley’s mug. The rosters change, but things remain the same in BuffaLOL.

Some may say the Sabres were taken from us too soon, but when you spend way too much money on average players, you get what you pay for.

As the tears of the River Ruff wash yet another Cup-less season away from the city of Buffalo and Ryan Miller’s skirt and pads are laid to rest for the season, we want to reflect back on the season that was for the Sabres and say a few words.

The false hopes of delusional fans who thought this team could actually win a Cup are crushed. The streets of Buffalo are filled with screams of disappointment as fans recall Lucic running over Miller like a small frog in the road and saying their season ended that day. Do not be foolish Buffalo. Your season ended as soon as it started in October because your team is terrible.

But we are not here to insult the Sabres and their crappy fans. Orr knows we’ve done that enough this season. Rather, we are here to celebrate what could have been, but not really.

For the first time all season, Lindy Ruff actually has something real to cry about. Ryan Miller, as is his custom, will blame everyone but himself for yet another failure in the city of Buffalo as the Bruins laid them to rest Saturday afternoon. The Bruins will relish twisting the knife a little further with their overtime win in a game where the Sabres were playing for pride. Hahaha.

After the jump….. we pay our final respects to the 2011-2012 BuffaLOL Sabres…..

Fans and celebrities have gathered from all over… umm… downtown Buffalo to pay their respects and help console the Sabres.

They say no one knows how to console a consistent loser better than another consistent loser.

The terrible sickness that caused their demise began last summer when their GM rested the hopes of their season on Ville Leino and Christian Erhoff’s over rated shoulders. That feeling of false hope abruptly ended when not even Ruff’s tears could slow the Flyers last week as the listless, sorry looking Sabres couldn’t muster up the balls to defeat Philly when their season was on the line.

All the false promise of a long playoff run hit a bit of a road block, according to Buffalo fans, when Ryan Miller, wearing a ton of pads because he thinks he is a goalie, was run over by the freight train that is Milan Lucic. Buffalo pretended Miller had a concussion in an effort to get Lucic suspended before finally announcing what everyone knew and saying Miller simply had a minor neck injury. The Hockey Gods repaid this by giving Miller vagina lice and laughing as Miller played a ton of mediocre hockey as a result. Ruff did what he did best and whined while we played the world’s smallest violin for him.

Buffalo caught fire and went on a nice run after a terrible 2011, giving their fan base false hope again that the Sabres could indeed make the playoffs after spending more time crying than playing early in the season, but as is custom is the City That Never Wins they choked when it mattered most and faded as the season came closer to its end. Now instead of crying on the ice Buffalo players can cry on the green while they hang out with the Canadiens.

Buffalo considers Patrick Kaleta their heart, which itself is an indication of how far away this team is from a Stanley Cup. Before their ultimely demise, the Sabres considered Kaleta their tough guy and the heart and soul of their team. Kaleta, before his passing on 4/7/2012, was a cheap shot artist, a turtle, a coward, a goat fucker and an all around terrible human being.

Now that we think about it….. his does exemplify all the “values” that make the Buffalo Sabres so we guess that is a great fit afterall, even in defeat. Plus he eats kittens.

Kaleta’s summer will be full of sleepless nights as the threat of Shawn Thornton ending him haunts his dreams.

Putting your faith in players who exemplify everything that is wrong with the league currently really indicates that this team has no idea how to win or how to collect players who can win.

Perhaps next season Ryan Miller will finally be mentally tough enough for the NHL and won’t suck balls.

Perhaps next season he won’t be such a crybaby.

Maybe he’ll finally get those “How to be a Champion Lessons” from Timmy Thomas.

Maybe Lindy Ruff will shut the hell up and actually coach. Maybe the Sabres organization will smarten up and realize Ruff sucks as a coach. Maybe Buffalo’s owner will realize tossing around money on any player who is a free agent won’t bring you a championship if you don’t have good leadership and a coach who can develop good chemistry.

Then again, you’re Buffalo and the only way to win in that city is to get the hell out.

Yes, the Buffalo Sabres season has taken the Lucic Express out of town, but we’ll always remember them for their cowardice, their whining and their stupidity. Comedian Dave Attell once said “Did you ever make fun of someone so much you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?”

We just want to thank you Buffalo for not only giving us so many good times but also for making it so damn easy.

We now ask you all to raise your glasses and toast the Buffalo Sabres for yet another mediocre season.

We also ask that if you would like to express your condolences you do so in the comment section. Rest in Peace Buffalo Sabres. We’ll miss trolling you and your stupid, stupid fan base.

Well, mostly we’ll miss all the fun we had at your expense.

About Jon

Jon loves Batman, The Joker, the Bruins and hates you. Especially you. He has a man crush on David Backes and hopes to someday be Mrs. Jon Boychuk.