February 5 2012. Around 9:45pm, if you’re a fan of the Patriots, you were either throwing back massive amounts of alcohol or you had tears swelling up in the corner of your eyes. It’s okay bro, I’ve been there before. Not with football, fuck the Patriots, but I am not going to condemn you for liking them. So now that the Patriots have taken your soul and curb stomped it, you need something to fill your sports hole (giggty!) until football is back. many will recommend the Red Sox and if they do you should punch them in the mouth. Baseball is boring. No one wants to watch a game for 5 hours. Two or three people may recommend the Celtics, which is okay if you like watching the last two minutes of a basketball game go for 45 minutes.
The smart ones will say: Watch the Bruins. Now, I know your Patriots fans are like gold diggers so here’s something enticing:
The Boston Bruins are the reigning Stanley Cup Champions.
So you’ll need something to get into the Bruins. A lot of the fan base will shun you if you do not know your hockey. I am putting this guide together so all you nooblets will be able to talk the talk and walk the walk without having watched one stitch of hockey. Don’t worry.
After the jump, it’s time to start talking LIKE A BAWSS...
1. The Boston Bruins
Welcome. So you want to get into hockey huh? Well lets start with the basics. First thing is first, you need to know who is on the team. Here I will label every player and their nicknames. We will discuss nicknames at a later time. The player’s number will precede the name.
|52||Zach Hamill||Sloth, Dorothy Hamill|
|18||Nathan Horton||Horty, Goomba|
|23||A (Road Games)||Chris Kelly||Cageface|
|63||Brad Marchand||Honey badger, Marchy, Marshmost, Moshmont, “Lil Ball of Hate”|
|20||Dan Paille||Stonehands Paille|
|49||Rich Peverley||Peverley Hills, Raptor Jesus|
|19||Tyler Seguin||The Kid, Segs|
|22||Shawn Thornton||Twos, Sugar Shawn, Thorty|
|55||Johnny Boychuk||Johnny Rockets, Destroychuk, Johnny Manchuk|
|33||C||Zdeno Chara||Z, Big Z|
|21||A (Home Games)||Andrew Ference||Captain Planet|
|54||Adam McQuaid||Darth Quaider, One Tough Hombre, Mullet McQuaid|
|44||Dennis Seidenberg||Seides, German|
|40||Tuukka Rask||Tuukks, Tuukk Nukem (also TUUUUUUUUUUUUUKK), Finn, Tuukkamania|
It’s normal in the hockey world to have nicknames. As you can see above, most hockey players have nicknames. It’s just easier to call someone Seides than always calling him Seidenberg. It’s normal. Here’s what not to do:
1. Don’t use nicknames as pet names. Example: When talking about Tyler Seguin, don’t call him Segsy instead of sexy. In fact, don’t ever call him sexy. You’re a Bruins fan, not a whore.
2. Don’t make up your own nicknames for players. They’re dumb and probably unoriginal.
3. Don’t ever get a player’s nickname on your jersey.
4. It is acceptable to use nicknames in everyday speech. Example: Bergy had a wicked pass to The Kid. Or: I can’t believe Stonehands missed another breakaway
1.3 Player Signs
1. Don’t every make signs for players admitting your love for players. It’s pathetic and it’s the easiest way to gain hatred from Bruins fans. Example: Marry Me Seguin.
2. If you’re going to make player signs, do it when a player is injured. Example: During the playoffs we made a “Remember” sign with Nathan Horton’s picture on it.
3. Anti-player and anti-team signs are allowed (for opposing player/teams only). Example: Somebody call 9-1-1 or No Diving signs
Using this guide, you’ll be able to fit right in with Bruins fans. Drop simple, yet meaningful lines such as:
“Z is wicked pissah”
“I love Bergy. Guy is clutch.”
“Looch is a beast.”
“Chara is a great captain”
These things are simple and require no real knowledge of the game. You don’t even need to dip into the Bruins past to get fan credit, although that helps.
Check back for Part 2 of our guide. The Enemy.