The Boston Bruins 2011-2012 Bandwagoners Guide To All Things Black and Gold. Part 2: The Enemies

cowardtheduck
Welcome back. I hope you are well abreast of the Boston Bruins and are ready to move on to what fuels a hockey fan: hatred for another fan base. Now, Pats fan, I know you’re used to hating a team (Jets), player (Sanchez, Tebow) or fan base so this should be an easy transition. Below I’ve broken everything down for you in simple, easy to understand instructions. 

Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate...

WOF
2. The Enemies
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2.1 Phrases

If you ever want to get in the good graces with Bruins fans start with either one of these simple sentences:

1. “Oh man, I hate those xxx.”
2. “Xxx sucks.”

Now, replace the xxx with either of these words:

Sentence 1:
Vancouver Canucks
Montreal Canadiens
Toronto Maple Leafs
Buffalo Sabres
Philadelphia Flyers
Sedin Twins
Habs
Habs fans

Sentence 2:
PK Subban
The Sedin Twins (also known as Ginger Twins, Sedin Sisters)
Ryan Kesler
Phil Kessel
Max Pacioretty
Guy Boucher’s scar
The Montreal Media
Ryan Miller
Lindy Ruff
Patrick Kaleta
Joe Thornton (just in case)
Brendan Shanahan
Matt Cooke
Roberto Luongo

That will get any Bruins fan to nod and agree with you. Once that happens, you’re in. Nothing brings fans together like hatred for another team, player or fan base.

2.2 Three Tiered Approach
douchejkane
There are also degrees of hatred for teams, players and fanbases. I have broken those out into three tiers. Tier 1 is the Mega Douche tier. Tier 2 is the Douche Tier and Tier 3 is Baby Douche tier. Before I name the three tiers, lets break down what they mean.

Tier 1: Mega Douches – The Mega Douche tier is comprised of players and teams that Bruins fans absolutely loathe. There is little that these teams or players can do to get in the good graces of ours. They are here for the sweater they were, the way they play the game (dirty players), use the media (see: interviews/whining/crying) or for past reasons re: the Bruins (see: Cooke hit on Savard). Again, there is little that these teams/players can do to move from this list. 

Tier 2: Kinda Douches - These guys are kinda douchebags. There’s multiple reasons why they are in the category. They are either:

  • A legit douchebag on or off the ice
  • A talented player (which can bring some hate)
  • Marginally dirty
  • Not as hated as the players above but can still get some heat

Based on the player, they can move between all three tiers based on how they play, how the media portrays the player, etc. 

Tier 3: Baby Douches – Baby Douches are teams/players that are sort of douches in training. A team like Carolina is a Baby Douche because they pose no real threat to the Bruins, but they’re a pest. The players in this category can move between all three tiers based on how they play, how the media portrays the player, etc. These are players who can be over-hyped (like Mike Green) who necessarily didn’t do anything wrong but you’re sick of hearing about so you don’t like them.
All teams and players will be color coded. If there are multiple teams/players with the same color, team will be in parenthesis.

Tier 1 – Mega Douches
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Teams:

Montreal Canadiens
Vancouver Canucks
Buffalo Sabres
Philadelphia Flyers

Players/Coaches:

Alain Vigneault (Coach)
Daniel Sedin
Henrik Sedin
Roberto Luongo
Ryan Kesler
PK Subban
Max Pacioretty
Phil Kessel (Toronto Maple Leafs)
Ryan Miller (Buffalo)
Patrick Kaleta (Buffalo)
Lindy Ruff (Buffalo Coach)
Scott Hartnell
Steve Ott (Dallas Stars)
Matt Cooke (Pittsburgh Penguins)

Tier 2 – Kinda Douches
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Teams:

Tampa Bay Lightning
Toronto Maple Leafs
Dallas Stars
New York Rangers
Players/Coaches:

Dion Phanuef (Toronto Maple Leafs)
Sean Avery (NY Rangers)
Sidney Crosby (Based on talent)
Joe Thornton (San Jose Sharks)
Steve Stamkos (Tampa Bay Lightning, based on talent)
Hal Gill (Montreal Canadiens)
Alexander Ovechkin (Washington Capitals)
Tony Gallagher (Vancouver media) 

Tier 3 – Baby Douches
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Teams:

Carolina Hurricanes
Washington Capitals

Players/Coaches:

Carey Price (Montreal Canadiens)
Guy Boucher (Tampa Bay Lightning, Coach)
Mike Green (Washington Capitals)
Cam Ward (Carolina Hurricanes)

That seems to be it. You now know who to say you hate. These names will go a long way in helping you gain admittance to the brotherhood of the Bruins. 

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