The election has come and gone and a Democrat still sits in the White House. Among the rioting, tweeting and pot smoking in Massachusetts, I decided to set out and find the one man who has told truths since day one. I jumped on Bear Force One and headed to Colorado where I would sit down with Tim Thomas and get his opinions on everything that has happened with the presidential election.
My journey was not an easy one friends, as I had to first decode messages hidden within Chick-Fil-A wrappers as to his location.
At first, his hidden location was an arduous task of trying to pin point his location. Hidden in each wrapper, in each bag sent to me, was a small square of a map that I had to glue together to ultimately reveal the final location of his bunker. Once the process was completed, I hopped on a plane and was off to see Timmy.
When I arrived in Bunker Junction, a small rural town on the outskirts of Denver, Colorado, it took me a moment to find Bunker 14. Eventually I saw the Conn Smyth Trophy and Stanley Cup being used as a clothesline and I knew this was the place. I knocked on the large yellow "door". A slide on the door opened as the eyes of Tim Thomas bore into me.
After the jump, my interview with Tim Thomas…
Partice Purrgeron: Is this Tim Thomas?
Tim Thomas: Who are ye and what ya'll want?
Patrice Purrgeron: It's me Tim, it's me Patrice.
Tim Thomas: I aint know no Patrice. You sound like a Frenchy.
Patrice Purrgeron: You sent me the Chick-Fil-A bags to come find you!
There was a small rustle and eventually a large locking mechanism clicked and the door swung open. Out rolled Tim Thomas, sporting a hunting rifle, overalls without anything underneath, worn brown leather boots and a bag of Chick-Fil-A.
Tim Thomas: You want chicken?
He stretched out the bag and when I declined, he asked me if I was one of them queermos who sat on people's lawn in hopes of getting a story. I declined and told him I was here to talk about the election.
Tim Thomas: We can do that Patsy. How bout you n me head down to my moonshine tent in the woods and while I cook up a batch of Colorado Red State we talk about that sumbitch Mitt Romney and how he woulda made 'Merica great.
We jumped into a Jeep and he put a blindfold over my face.
Tim Thomas: I can't be havin you see where I make the 'shine, Patsy. Now what you want to talk to me about?
Patrice Purrgeron: The Election
Tim Thomas: The NHL Lockout? Yeah I knew it all along. That basketball sumbitch Gary Bettman and that baseball sumbitch Donald Fehr don't care about the players so I told everyone, I told them, I'm taking a year off cause I feel like it and then I left to Colorado. People were pretty mad that I left for a year, but I'm a Stanley Cup winner and I won the Conn Smyth and so I can pretty much do whatever I want n stuff and what I really want to do is kill gators and make the 'shine.
Patrice Purrgeron: But what about Barack Obama and Mitt Romeny?
Tim Thomas: I don't think either of them men like to make the 'shine, but Paul Ryan has those Nathan Horton crazy eyes. I bet he's been on the end of a Georgia/Florida tailgate when the 'shine is running like the Mississippi River and I'm on a river boat gambling away all my monies I made from stopping pucks.
Patrice Purrgeron: I don't get what you mean by…
Tim Thomas: slaps Patrice on the shoulder And that's why I like you, you sumbitch. Oh, we're almost at the 'shine station. My Colorado Red State will do some real damage to ya innards, but nothin a quick chicken sandwich can't cure.
We pulled up to the shack where a large gator hung upside down like a captured shark. Tim caught me eyeing the beast.
Tim Thomas: Pulled that outta the river myself and I thought to myself, I said self, hooo-weee that's one big sumbitch. So I pretended it was like Chara and I started talking about the tea party and when the sumbitch fell asleep, I jammed a coke bottle in its mouth and suffocated it. Then me and Booger, Booger is the guy who was with me with these two wrasslin in the water, me and Booger killed them Gators and now he hangs here protecting my 'shine.
I studied the gator for a minute and then watched as Tim walked over to a large piece of the flooring and pulled it up, showing me all of the one gallon jugs filled with moonshine.
Patrice Purrgeron: You made all of this?
Tim Thomas: Oh hell yeah I made it. Once I heard that the NHLPA hired that bozo Donald Fehr, I said to myself, self we need to get out of dodge and bring the chitlins and the wife with me. The NHL aint gonna play so I'm gonna say I aint gonna play either. You want some salted meat stick? This is the best salted meat stick in Colorado, I bought it at the 7-11 store.
Patrice Purrgeron: So about the election…
Tim Thomas: And I knew that Gary Bettman was going to screw us over because Gery Bettman is in the business of screwing us over. So then Donald Fehr was like 'Boys, we aint getting screwed overed' and I said 'Yeah Donald Duck, I'm gonna go quack myself into this bunker and post on Facebook' and he said 'No timmy, don't post on Facebook because Facebook was made by Satan' and I said 'I don't think so Donald, I saw the Facebook movie and that Zuckerturd kid was pretty cool and I liked him in Zombieland and I don't think Bill Murray would make a bad movie, ya know?" and he didn't know, but I figured that Facebook would work out here, but Verizon's 4G LTE doesn't cover the swamp because Obama hates the swamp, I think.
Patrice Purrgeron: Did you vote last night?
Tim Thomas: Yeah I voted for the white guy, I think his name was like Stan. It was on X-Factor last night and he sang something like Fog Hat and I love Fog Hat.
Patrice Purrgeron: No, Tim, did you vote in the election?
Tim Thomas: Aw shoot no I didn't vote in the election because I don't think the popular vote means anything. I once tried to vote Jeremy Jacobs out of getting chicken fingers for the Garden unless he got them from Warren (Blumenfield, CEO of Chick-Fil-A) and then Jeremy was like "Shut up Tim go play hockey" and did some like Darth Vader mask so I told him OK and then I won a cup and stuff.
Patrice Purrgeron: Why didn't you vote in the election?
Tim Thomas: Because my voting place wasn't open because Madelin, the woman who was running the polling place, said "Oh Tim, I don't think we can vote because Obama is gonna win and Obama is like voting in a butcher and we're all just sheep to be slaughtered" and I thought that was weird because I've never had to eat sheep before and I've done everything including not go to the White House so I don't know why Obama would be slaughtering sheep. Maybe he's just hungry, I'm not sure.
Patrice Purrgeron: Well before I go Tim, any other words of encouragement.
Tim Thomas: Dolphin rape happens to 3 people a year and it's not funny.