PREVIEW 24: Boston Bruins at Pittsburgh Penguins. NO MALKIN? NO MERCY!

 

Man, that banner is like a sleek Accelerator jersey. Black on black baby.

Bruins come into Pittsburgh on a three game winning streak after a shootout win against the Senators where Boston comes back from 2 down. It was a tough game for Boston, which doesn't bode well for their legs against the Pens. The only thing that helps Boston is that Malkin is back in Russia sucking down some tiger blood…or whoever this whore is: 

malkin

Don't get me wrong, I think Malkin is awesome and Jon has a little Russian scud missile in his pants for him, but that 1,000 yard stare he has going on should make anyone worried. I guess you can't tell if he is just dumb as rocks or its his concussion creeping back in and he's pulling his best Marc Savard impression (Savard concussion mention #1). 

But the Bruins can't take this team lightly. Sure, they're the NHL's poster child for the most bi-polar squad to ever hit the ice – and yes, they couldn't kill a penalty if you tied the penalty up to a chair and gave the PK a bazooka – and yes they have Marc Andre Fleury in net who is either Patrick Roy or that fat kid who is put in goal during recess because he takes up 3/4th of the net but moves like a slug covered in salt. 

beachballMAF

You never know if you're going to get the MAF who pitches a shutout or the Ilya Bryzgalov-esque Fleury who lets in 5 goals (2 of them soff). 

But then you realize they have Sidney Crosby and he's the best in the world. Seriously, let's call a spade a spade here. The dude is good and isn't the crybaby most teams like to make him out to be. The guy leads the league in points and assists and because of him Chris Kunitz is second in the NHL in goals. 

Chris. Fucking. Kunitz. 

Koon-itz
(stick tap to Fitz)

In a shortened season, Chris Kunitz is about 9 goals off of his career best from a normal 82 game season. The fucking guy has two hattricks already this season. You don't think that's a byproduct of playing with Sidney Crosby? You think this 33 year old winger magically sprouted a scoring touch over the elongated offseason? 

It's because he's the mother fucking wingah fer Sid everyone in Pittsburgh keeps looking for. Or its because Sid makes everyone around him better. He's like Jesus, except that Jesus didn't have to sit in a dark room playing Mario Kart with Chris Pronger and Marc Savard (Savard concussion mention #2) and I bet Crosby takes King Boo. 

Savard probably takes Princess Peach

Pronger probably takes Bowser and just tries to the the other two off of the road and then is like "Guys, I didn't do anything" in whatever language a troglidyte like him speaks in. 

When you look at the numbers, Pittsbugh is Pittsburgh. They're first in the NHL in scoring with 3.65 goals per game (though I'm sure that 6 spot on the Islawlender didn't hurt) and they're 21st in goals against at 2.92. Basically, they're an incredibly talented offensive team that has trouble stopping anyone or anything from entering them. They're a Kardashian sister. Great to look at, easy to penetrate. Why? 

Their goaltending blows. 

bears

Flower has 13 wins, but ranks 40th in GAA (2.71) and 46th in SV% (.902) in the NHL. Basically, MAF gets between the pipes and prays that his team scores 5-6 goals per game because he can't carry them on their backs. Those league leading 13 wins are a sham. It pisses me off when people bring up a goalie wins as a real stat. Goalie wins are like wins for a pitcher in baseball, they don't mean anything. 

I'm not even getting on this tangent yet because…

After the jump, preview…

MATT COOKE MOTHER FUCKERS! 

Everyone in Boston still have a hateboner for Matt Cooke because he turned Savard's domepiece into a Bill Cosby product (concussion mention #3). I personally don't give a shit anymore and I like Cooke. Shit, I think he'd be perfect on the third line here in Boston to which my followers on Twitter replied with: 

"YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT"
"People in Boston would kill him"
"Fuck him and fuck you"
"I disagree"
"Eat shit and die" 

elbow
(stick tap to BGW)

But seriously – Matt Cooke is once again on your TV screen Bruins fans so lets throw things at the television and remind ourselves how much of a bad guy Matt Cooke is! BOO! HISS! 

I guess this is where I tell you that Cooke would be unreal on Boston's third line. He's a pest without actually having to maim anyone anymore (sorry Erik) (not sorry, douchebag). He can score goals (consistently puts up 10-15 since 2007), logs PK minutes and can play both sides of the ice. Yeah – apparently that sucks because he is a piece of shit hockey player and took out Marc Savard. 

Forget the fact he's a veteran, STANLEY CUP WINNING hockey player who can provide leadership (which he does with Pittsburgh) and can contribute – something Chris Kelly and his knee can't do anymore – and would probably come cheap. 

But I feel you Boston. Everyone still harbors a grudge towards Ulf and shit like that so I wouldn't expect anyone to actually agree with me. 

fuck u rogers


DOYLive

DOY pregame

Two shows, back to back. We're like the Bruins only not as wealthy or good looking. Tonight we have a special guest on the show – Jen from Cblog to bring us the Penguins side. It should be a fun show. I think all four DOY boys will be together – so that's always something special. 

 

How to Watch:

Blog: Go to the pregame post at 6:30pm
G+: https://plus.google.com/u/0/108411793…
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/DaysofYorr


Projected Penguins Lineup

Chris Kunitz – Sidney Crosby – Who cares he's not Kunitz or Crosby
Beau from American Idol – Guy who can't hold Malkin's herpes – James Neal
Marc Savard's Killer – One of those Sutter guys – LOL TYLER KENNEDY LOLOLOLOL
Shitty ex Canuck – Joe Vitale? – Scrub

PMART4NORRIS – Cardboard Orpik
Eaton's corpse – Greaseball
Niskanen – Simon Depressed

A man with a nickname like Flower
Florida's reject


The Enemy

The PensBlog

pensblog


Game Day Image/Video

Broons/Pens throw it down in 87. 

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