I fucking hate the Washington Capitals. I know I say I hate a lot of things on this site, but the Washington Capitals rank #2 in my "hockey world of hatred", ranked right under the entire city of Montreal, which includes that team and that pathetic fucking fanbase. I don't know what it is about the Washington Capitals that I really dislike, but I'm pretty sure most of it comes from the way everyone sucks Alexander Ovechkin's hairy caveman dick. Remember when he was drafted? I'm pretty sure I saw an ESPN commercial with Steve Berthum where Stevie boy is just cranking his prick over a post of Ovechkin and someone walks in on him. It's like a bad American Pie movie.
Add to that their fanbase that acts like their shit doesn't stink when in reality they have absolutely no reason to be such pompass dickbags. None. Go on Twitter and search Capitals and it's just a fucking joke. They're either saying how amazing the team is or how fucking awful everyone else is. You know what this city celebrates? Winning divisions. Hang a banner. Hang a fucking banner because you won the Southeast Division – the resource room of the NHL.
Go to the Verizon Center and look up at the ceiling. It's Southeast Division banners – maybe an Eastern Conference banner sprinkled in there – maybe. It's like big, idiotic Ted Leonsis will hang a banner when someone sneezes and another person says "God bless you." Hey Teddie, I have a banner for you:
Yeah, you did it! You're currently fucking 14th in the Eastern Conference, tied in points for last place with Florida. Your division is made up of Florida, Tampa, Carolina, yourselves and Winnipeg and for some reason you can't make it out of the cellar. You know how bad your division is? If it was the playoffs today, only one team would be in the playoffs. You and your division are the reason why these new alignments are going down – so the NHL's shitstain division doesn't have to be seen in the playoffs. You're the red headed stepchild locked away in the closet and fed bread through a filed down mail slot. No one wants to see you guys, unless it's Holtby's father doing Stephen Hawking impressions.
Also, you're welcome NHL that the Bruins made Holtby look like a Vezina Trophy finalist in the playoffs so the Capitals extended him and he sucks. It was probably the greatest things the Bruins accomplished in the playoffs last season. Out of 74 goalies recorded by NHL.com, Holtby is currently 57th in goals against average with 3.01 and is 43rd in save percentage at .907. Amazing isn't it? Pierre McGuire was creaming is pleated pants over this guy during the playoffs and now he can barely fend off a cold.
And that's your Washington Capitals in a nutshell – a team that overachieves and then falls back into the pit where they belong. Then there's Ovechkin, the most overpaid, laziest mother fucker I've ever seen play hockey. It's a disgrace to see this guy be such a lazy fuckwad that he is knowing the talent he possesses. I mean, his lazyness got Bruce Boudreau run out of town because Boudreau sat him in overtime, then Dale Hunter stopped playing him late in the period during those Bruins playoff games and he complained about it.
HELLO ALEX, YOU'RE LAZY! For years the league compared him and Sidney Crosby and Ovechkin can't hold Crosby's pube shavings. Hell, if Ovechkin put paste over his face like how I picture he ate it in those Russian kindergarten cells they own and then plastered Crosby pubes all over the paste, they'd probably just fall off in disgust. I wish he stayed in Russia like he stated he was going to because he thought his word had pull in the NHL.
The best part is that there's an actual website called Russian Machine Never Breaks and their banner is his cro magnon man face. I wonder if they changed their name yet. I have some wonderful names for it:
Russian Machine Never Skates (Yinz)
Russian Machine Rarely Scores (Jbro)
Russian Machine Rarely Tries
Russian Machine Has Tramp Stamps (Jbro)
All are a lot more accurate than what they're working with right now. It's possible that the machine never breaks because it's not really working, like an 85 year old's woman vibrator. His defensive abilities are probably as dusty as her cooter too.
I hope Boston is angry when they play tonight. Angry about Sunday, angry about the playoffs. I hope they just come out and shit stomp the Washington Capitals, take that airhorn and shove it up that guys puckered starfish. If any team deserves to be strewn about the ice in writhing pain in America, it's the Capitals. God, that arena should implode when the Bruins leave tonight.
After the jump…the rest of the preview…
Alright guys, after taking a weekend off so TeamDOY can go to Bruins games (and I can go to Foxwoods and get fucking blasted) we're back tonight. The show will kick off around 6pm EST with Justin, Robb and Jon (we think). I won't be on the show today because it's just Baby Pez and I and 6pm is hard to pull off.
I'm not sure what we're giving away yet, but we'll be talking about the Tampa and Montreal games, previewing tonight's game against the Capitals and probably talking a lot about diving. Dive, dive, dive, EVERYWHERE A DIVE!
How to Watch:
Milan Lucic – David Krejci – Nathan Horton
Tyler Seguin – Patrice Bergeron – Brad Marchand
Chris Bourque – Chris Kelly – Rich Peverley
Shawn Thornton – Greg Campbell – Dan Paille
Zdangles Chara – Johnny Boychuk
Dennis Seidenberg – Dougie Hamilton
Andrew Ference – Adam McQuaid
Game Day Video/Image