Chara Mad! CHARA SMASH! Bruins Win!

Last night, the Bruins and Flames staged a retelling of one of many shitty stories from some religious book, David and Goliath. The lowly Flames, or David, decided it was a good idea to throw sticks at the eyes of an angry giant, or Chara. But unlike that silly fable, David was not victorious. No, the giant got PISSED. His roar was long and loud. His vengeance was cruel. Zdeno Chara and his band of kids from Providence snuffed out the Flames.

And the Provoston Bruins proved that even an AHL team can defeat the Calgary Flames. The Flames should lose a bunch of draft picks for being dumb enough to keep Jay Feaster as long as they did. 

Those that braved the snow and showed up at TD Garden had to deal with a long stretch of boredom before the Flames, like so many lost souls before them, neglected to remember it's a TERRIBLE idea to make Chara mad.

Don't know how long the Bruins can continue to play with such a battered roster, but they've been damn impressive. 

– Here's a simple little equation the rest of the NHL should follow:

When you introduce a stick to Chara's eye…

You get this…

Which then results in….

– Captain Chara with two goals for his bruised and battered team. Keep trying to drive him out of town Boston media. It's not like he's still super clutch…oh wait. Fantastic leadership through all the adversity the Bruins have faced this season. Chara for President.

– LOLOLOLOLOLOL someone tried to hit Johnny Destroychuk!

– The family of that silly gentleman would like to thank Boychuk for his compassion and mercy in sparing this man. Everybody gets one.

– Speaking of Boychuk, SO CLOSE! Guarantee a Boychuk slap shot will eventually make a dent in the moon.

– McGrattan: "PASS IT TO ME! NOW! I'M GONNA SCORE! I'M GONNA SCORE!

Rask: "LOLOLOLOLOLOL silly human!"

– I AM SEIDENBORG!!! PROGRAMMED TO KILL!

That's what you get for being a prick Lance. Seidenberg destroyed your face! And your parents are idiots. Lance is such a stupid name. Is that why you're angry lil guy? Or are you so angry because you try to hit from behind and Seids embarrassed your ass with a clean hit?

– Poor Iginla isn't wasting away in Calgary.

– The Bruins Pow-pow-power play?!? YUP.

– Richie Cunningham, congrats on your first NHL game!

– There is really no explanation for how the refs missed the high stick on Chara. He's at least four feet taller than everyone else on the ice. You have to raise your stick VERY high to get him in the eye. Apparently blind refs want everyone to be blind.

But remember, according to Montreal and Pittsburgh, the league favors the Bruins and they get all the calls.

– Another needless, questionable hit by the Artist Formerly Known As Mar-Shond. He's always been a player that LOVES riding on that edge, but at least he used to contribute other ways as well. Now he's not playing very well and getting dirtier, which is such a terrible idea all around. Not good for him, the team or opposing players' health. 

Seriously, no need for that hit. At all.

– One of about a million reasons Calgary is so awful: They don't realize sticks are supposed to stay ON OR CLOSE TO THE ICE!

– This recap. Sorry. Work's been busy. 

– Calgary's management.

– Calgary's players.

– Calgary's scouting.

– Shoveling.

– Justin's face.

– Whose Joe Colbourne?

– Weren't people super pissed when he got traded because he was totally gonna be a #1 NHL center?

– Why is Pete Blackburn hogging all the awesome?

– 'Tis the season to shut your whore mouth.

About Jon

Jon loves Batman, The Joker, the Bruins and hates you. Especially you. He has a man crush on David Backes and hopes to someday be Mrs. Jon Boychuk.

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