DOYTV Presents: TMBruinsZ!

Welcome to another episode of TMBruinZ.

 

With Associate Reporters…

And starring award winning lead anchor, reporter and GM, Patrice Purrgeron!

Hello, I'm Patrice Purrgeron and welcome to TMBruinsZ, your #1 source for NHL gossip that gets people angry for the stupidest of reasons. We have a BIG show for you tonight with three very exciting stories from around the NHL.

After the jump…. you're all whiny complaining dicks…..

Our top story tonight centers around the great bond between two friends, and why that is a terrible, terrible thing according to the media in Boston.

Off the ice, Zdeno Chara and Marian Hossa are BFF's 4 EVA! They live across the street from each other, play tickling games with each other, and toss midgets with each other. There is some total guy love going on. It's sweet. It's magical. It's goose bump inducing.

OR IS IT?!

According to sources from the dumb ass part of the Bruins fan base and some members of the Boston media, Zdeno Chara is a TRAITOR!

DOY News helicopters were able to snap this HORRIFYING picture during Hossa's recent Cup party:

The conclusion we can clearly draw from this photo is that Chara purposely played like dog poop in the Finals just so his good buddy Hossa and the Blackhawks could grab Cup number two! If you look closely you can actually see Hossa slipping Chara the "fall" money in that very sly hand shake.

As soon as this picture hit the interwebs, Twitter was flooded with comments and article links calling Chara's leadership into question. How would his teammates feel seeing this?! Does Chara not care about the Cup loss?! Is he 7-feet and 300 lbs of asshole?! 

The answer is "all of the above." A crueler photo has NEVER been taken.

Or if we use logic for a second and push away that urge to make a story out of nothing because summer is a slow time for NHL news, what we see here is Chara just being happy for a friend. It doesn't mean he doesn't still feel the sting of the loss or that he's a traitor to Boston. It means his lil BFF accomplished something and despite his depression at losing, Chara is happy for his friend. Good friends support each other regardless you dicks. It basically means that despite popular opinion, somewhere down in his giant of a heart, Chara does feel some feels.

Much like Ned Stark, Chara's head has been served up for no legitimate reason yet again other than someone was bored. Personally we're going to laugh our asses off someday when Chara retires and the Bruins D IMMEDIATELY plummets.

Don't worry though, we think Chara's teammates will remember this photo of Chara and the Cup rather than the one above:

But if you thought Chara was a dick, just wait until you hear what Sidney Crosby did!

Like us regular folk, professional athletes have to occasionally renew their license. Recently, Crosby was unlucky enough to have his license expire and went to a local DMV. Once there, he began violently shoving other people out of the way so he could get to the front of the line.

When called for a comment, the DMV manager denied the shoving report and claimed that it is policy to let celebrities cut to the front of the line to avoid any mayhem that could ensue with people trying to get pictures or autographs or underwear or whatever.

So what this guy is telling us is that Crosby was allowed to cut so that fans wouldn't run up to him or call their friends to come down to see Crosby and thus avoid a terrible, terrible scene at an already crowded DMV?

Bullshit! There is no logic in this. A couple of Flyers fans who were present claimed, as they always do, that Bettman showed up and was seen talking to the DMV manager and shortly after Crosby was called to the front, and was handed a new license and DMV Cup. We knew the NHL favored Crosby and the Penguins!

Even if this "policy" thing is true, Crosby is a MONSTER for following a written policy! Who does that?! Afterwards he was caught cutting the line at a dog park just to kick some puppies.

Good thing the Pittsburgh media and Penguins haters needlessly over reacted yet again over a situation that shouldn't have even been a story. Summer time man. Summer time.

And finally we come to our dear, departed King of Parties, Tyler Seguin.

The trade is done and over. Tyler is in Dallas, far, far away from Boston, yet many are still harping on his party boy ways. Damn immature 21 year olds!

In a story that should've died quicker than a Bruins third period lead in a Game 6, some just can't let go of the rumors about Seguin's life off the ice. Some people also desperately need hobbies, but that is their business. No one other than Seguin has ever been 21 years old and liked to party. EVER.

We now go to our reporter in the field, Justin Fantana, with a special Seguin update.

Thanks for watching folks. Because fans and media LOVE over reacting, we're sure TMBruinsZ will be back soon with a brand new episode. This is Patrice Purrgeron signing off.

About Jon

Jon loves Batman, The Joker, the Bruins and hates you. Especially you. He has a man crush on David Backes and hopes to someday be Mrs. Jon Boychuk.

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