Patrice Purrgeron reporting for duty.
Jon was supposed to do the recap, but he made too many Savard jokes at the game so he's in time out. He's bad. Very bad. I hope someone puts cat poop in his favorite shoes. About 10 minutes ago. That'd be hilarious.
So the Bruins got crushed. CRUSHED. Detroit beat them like the red headed step child of a rented mule.
People are overreacting though. It's freaking preseason people.
TRADE RASK, SUBBAN IS AWESOME!
TRADE SUBBAN, SIGN ANDREW RAYCROFT!
BRUINS POWERPLAY IS BEST OF ALL TIME!
BRUINS POWERPLAY IS SHITTIER THAN A GERMAN POOP FETISH PORN!
Blah, blah, blah. Shut your faces and learn some control.
We didn't learn anything we didn't already know. Subban isn't ready for the NHL, Jarome Iginla is awesome and Datsyuk's hands are so awesome he can probably bring his wife to orgasm with just his pinky in under 10 seconds.
– One of Iginla's 86 middle names is Elvis. Elvis wishes he was half as awesome as Jarome. Dude loves going to the front of the net like Fleury likes letting up eight goals a game in the playoffs.
– Nick Johnson, that was some pretty awesome handiwork. Kid is having a great preseason. If you weren't a hockey player, I bet you could get a great hand job. Wait…
– Ryan Spooner has looked pretty darn good as well. Great speed, great hands and even throws hits! Love the effort. Let's spoon.
– Torey Krug beat the piss out of some jabroni. It was AWESOME.
– Hockey is back.
– Remember when Chara used to throw hits? We're starting to forget.
– I hope Dougie Hamilton can find the mix tape he made for his middle school girlfriend so he has something to listen to on the drive down 95 south.
– Tucked shirt rule. Dumbest thing we've heard since Dan Bylsma said Fleury and Vokoun are the best goalie tandem in the NHL. They wouldn't even be the best goalie tandem in the OHL.
– The Bruins need to trade Seguin. He showed zero effort against Detroit. It was like he wasn't even playing.
– "Fans" mock cheering Subban in the third. You're all a bunch of idiots. Go back to Fenway you dumb asses. A pox upon your house, upon your family, and everyone you've ever known and everyone you'll ever meet.
– Adult males that wear Tap Out brand shirts. You look dumb and 99% of you have never even been in a fight.
– Datsyuk and Zetterberg are now in the Bruins division. Set pants to pooped.
– Jordan Caron. Just…blah.
– If you were expecting a better recap for a preseason game, you're a silly, silly goose. You silly goose.
– But seriously, is Hamilton playing his way to the AHL to start the season?
– And is Bartkowski playing his way to a bottome pairing spot to start the season?