RECAP: If A Win Is So Ugly No One Can Watch It, Does it Make a Sound? BRUINS WIN.

 

 

Jebus. What an ugly, ugly game, ha. Sure, we weren't expecting much with the Bruins playing back to back games but between the Bruins fatigue and boring ass Devils hockey that game was uglier than your prom date. 

But then you sit down and think… well, everyone has taken home a swamp monster in their life and if you try not to think about what it looked like too hard you realize that hey, at least you got laid.

Where were we? Oh yeah, at least the Bruins won! B's still have not been defeated in regulation and continue to pile up important points in a Gary Bettman sized season. 

Thinking about the Devils is making me sleepy. Just click Read More before I fall face first into my keyboard.

– Shawn Thornton taking Krys Barch down to punch town! SHAWN THORNTON IS AN ANIMAL!

– Nathan Horton. That is all.

"Nathan Horton never drives an automatic car because he's too clutch." – Robb

Horton's goal was so potent that after his goal every woman in the first three rows got pregnant.

Webster Dictionary is officially replacing the word "clutch" with "Horton." Example: Man, that guy always seems to come through when the game is on the line. He's so Horton!

– Sure, Seguin is still having trouble getting in a groove but he sure did EMBARRASS Hedberg. He scores on his first shootout attempt but some asshole throws some shit on the ice so the refs say it doesn't count. So what does Seguin do? Does he pull a Montreal and just go into a turtle shell? Does he pull a Buffalo, cry for hours and write in his journal? NO! He goes back down and spanks the shit out of Hedberg. Savard had to go back to the dark room because Seguin made everyone's heads spin so much. Suck it you dumbass cup thrower.

– Marchand icing the game like with sweet moves like his hetero life mate.

– There are not enough words for how INSANELY awesome Rask has been. Brick walls try to imitate Rask. The Great Wall of China was inspired by Rask. If Rask was a condom there is no chance your girlfriend, wife or mistress would get pregnant. Rask let's up goals so infrequently that he's shocked when you tell him he got scored on.

– How much does Claude Julien wish he could decline penalties?

– There was this girl in Section 306, Row 14 who won the title for most annoying person of all time. If you happen to come across this, and I hope you do, I want you to know you are just as ugly on the inside as you are on the outside. You only came to the game to drink and had no idea what was even going on. You kept yelling at the handicapped guy, you kept getting up for more beer in an obvious attempt to drink yourself pretty during the action and you kept yelling for absolutely no reason until everyone around you wished they were deafer than Helen Keller. You are a terrible, terrible human being and your giant ass nose looks like it could cut threw a bank vault door. I would rather let Magic Johnson bleed in my mouth than ever hear your terribly shrill voice again. We took a picture of this girl. If you happen to see her, please pummel her.

– The Bruins would really, REALLY suck at Mortal Kombat because apparently they can't FINISH.

– Why, why, why, why, WHY do the Bruins love making back up goalies look like Tim Thomas in the Stanley Cup Finals? If other teams want to beat the Bruins, all they have to do is put their back up goalie in. Especially if you're the Penguins. Could Fleury possibly suck any more than he already does?

– Whoever the asshole was that threw something on the ice during Seguin's first shootout attempt. You're a useless human being and there is no point to you. You should be pummeled with a man hole cover. And how did it feel when Seguin gave you the finger and scored again anyway?

– That dirty, DIRTY hit the boards laid down on Lucic in the third period. The boards completely blindsided him. Shannahan better be making a call to those boards tomorrow.

– How did Jon stay awake long enough to write this recap after watching a Devils game?

– What the crap was this guy doing?

– Why is Shawn Thornton such a bad ass?

– Can we go back in time and put Shawn Thornton in that movie Armageddon so that he can just punch the meteor and that stupid movie can be over in 10 minutes?

 

About Jon

Jon loves Batman, The Joker, the Bruins and hates you. Especially you. He has a man crush on David Backes and hopes to someday be Mrs. Jon Boychuk.

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