Steroids in Sports: A Patrice Purrgeron Exclusive Report

Steroids. For years steroids have been in the spotlight in the sports world, especially in that horribly boring sport Baseball. Despite promoting steroid use for years, the MLB has been on a witch hunt to weed out any users now that the public says it should be bad. Way to go baseball. Way to go.

Steroids are said to give an athlete a performance edge, making him or her faster, stronger and better than the competition. You know, if you ignore the shrinking ball size and the incredible damage it does to your kidneys. 

Luckily steroids do not seem to be as prevalent in our beloved NHL but that could just be because hockey hasn't been in the spotlight for quite some time. There have been a few known cases in the NFL and even a few in the NBA so the problem is not just specific to baseball.

Is it an issue of accountability with the players? Is it an issue where players are told they need to be chemically enhanced to compete?

Or could the reason be more…..sinister…..

After the jump, Purrgeron's report continues…..

Those are all really good potential reasons, but this report believes it was a generational issue…caused by Disney programming!

Many of you will remembered a fairly short lived but extremely popular cartoon produced by Disney Called The Adventures of the Gummi Bears.

While cute and cuddly on the surface, this family of bears led a sketchy existed, often using "enhancements" to terrorize local villagers.

These mild mannered bears would drink their home made gummi "juice" and within seconds fly into a 'roid filled rage, self admittedly bouncing here and there and everywhere while beating up a poor defenseless gentleman in a near by castle.

As you can see in this exclusive photo, said Gummi Bears are seen ingesting their foul juice. They obviously look athletic and fit, but they do not look capable of jumping a hundred feet in the air.

Here we see one of the bears jumping higher and than any clean athlete should be able to while punching some dude in the face. Notice the jar of steroids in her hand.

These bears developed gummiberry "juice" and a slang term for taking steroids is "juicing." Coincidence? This report doesn't think so. Not only where these bears taking illegal PED's, but they were then celebrated world wide for their "amazing" feats! 

An entire generation of athletes grew up watching this show while constantly receiving the message that to succeed you NEED to take steroids. Here's a few examples from the sports world.

Here we see young Blake Griffin bouncing here and there and over a car to for a slam dunk. The similarities between his actions and those of the Gummi Bears are incredibly similar. Reckless. Pointless. Impossible without gummiberry juice:

Here we see Sammy Sosa needlessly bouncing after a home run. Exuberant celebration, or "juice" induced hopping? I hope he was on 'roids because there is no excuse for a grown man acting like this otherwise.

Even look down to our nation's capital, as both Joel Ward and Alex Ovechkin have been caught doing the 'ole gummiberry juice bounce:

Ovechkin should not be able to jump this high without the use of "juice." As the wonderful Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson film taught us, White Men Can't Jump!

For comparison purposes, this is what Ovechkin looks like when he has not been on steroids:

Sickening. But are these athletes really to blame? If your parents sat you down in front of the TV to watch a show that glorified the use of PED's, don't you think you'd eventually turn to steroids?

In response to these horrid Gummi Bears, Popeye was created. He too had the ability to gain super strength, but only after eating a can of healthy spinach. Popeye was supposed to teach kids to turn to healthy eating and vegetables to grow big and strong. However, this image was destroyed when records were released by GummiBerry Labs showing Popeye purchasing spinach laced with gummiberry juice.

Here is the original copy of a photo of Popeye at GummiBerry Labs:

 

However, if we zoom in we see the truth:

Those bottles certainly do look a lot like gummiberry juice bottles:

The story got even worse when I decided to go undercover.

Not only were there bears peddling steroids to children, they were forcing small bear children to make the stuff out in the woods!

HORRIBLE!

When contacted, the Gummi Bears representatives claimed these allegations were false and that the Gummi Bears never forced any gummiberry juice on children. Luckily, this ace reporter was able to dig up evidence to the contrary.

Youth corrupted. Innocence stolen. Bodies destroyed.

And for what? A few extra home runs? A couple extra inches on your vertical jump? The ability to jump high into the glass near the stands but then choke in the playoffs?

Don't blame the athletes or ever the pharmaceutical companies. Blame a children's TV show that promoted steroid use with reckless abandon.

Gummi Bears, bouncing here and there and everywhere. Taking PED's without a care. They are the Gummi Bears.

- Patrice Purrgeron

About Jon

Jon loves Batman, The Joker, the Bruins and hates you. Especially you. He has a man crush on David Backes and hopes to someday be Mrs. Jon Boychuk.

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