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A Symphony of (Broken) Wind…BRUINS LOSE.

I’ve really got nothing right now. One of these teams looked like they were fighting for its life, the other looked like a recycled bag of smashed assholes that got put through a meat grinder, made into sausage, sold in a cart on Causeway Street, eaten, washed down by 14 Natty Lights, and puked up in the Sully’s bathroom. (Hint: The Bruins were not option A.)

The power play looked like it was drawn up by Michael J. Fox sitting on top of a washing machine. For some reason, Claude decided that a PK unit of Bartkowski, Miller, Paille, and Campbell was a good idea. The Habs outhit the Bruins so badly you’d think their top defensive pairing was Ike Turner and Chris Brown. Basically, watching this game was like taking a bite out of a giant turd sandwich and then being forced to finish it.

turdsandwich

Was everyone on this team raised on a barn? Because for years now, they have shown a consistent inability to shut the fucking door. Plain and simple: this was the most important game of the year, and the B’s brought the worst 60 minutes imaginable to the rink. Game 7 on Wednesday. Good, great, grand, wonderful.

Negatives

– Kevan Miller, what are you doing? This game was over two minutes in. When you give up a rusty coat-hanger of a goal like this before Ginette Reno even catches her breath, you just gotta know that things aren’t going your way tonight. I know they say it’s not over until the fat lady sings, but that’s not meant to be taken literally.

– At what point are the Bruins going to stop giving up stretch passes? It doesn’t matter how much time they spend in the attacking zone if all it takes is one pass to change the entire complexion of the game. B’s have been stretched out so hard they should have at least been given an epidural beforehand. Chara and Rask got brutalized on the Pacioretty goal. Someone unplugged Z’s controller and Tuukka looked like every weekend at Pez’s house:

frozen

Negatives

– It’s a broken record at this point, but where in the actual fuck is David Krejci? He’s following up the first complete consistent regular season of his career by taking a huge dump on the ice. “Wide open look at the net? Better make a no look drop pass to the blue line.”

carmensandiego

 

– Krejci’s noteable absence from the scoresheet is the only reason this guy isn’t catching more heat:

– All the good momentum the Bruins built up on the Power Play in Game 5  got tossed out faster than a dumpster baby tonight. 0 for 3 without a single decent chance. It almost looked like they were trying to avoid each other on the passes. Why go tape to tape when you can just put it in a guy’s skates? Even the lunch lady from Billy Madison thinks it needs to get cleaned up.

– Penalty kill sucked too. The Vanek goal killed any thoughts the Bruins had of getting back into this game. Kevan Miller was skating to the Benny Hill music tonight. Can you call your own player for goaltender interference?

– Even the laws of physics are against the Bruins.

– Not even gonna get into the end-of-game shenanigans, because Justin already did that here.

Lingering Questions

– If a tree falls in the forest, does the Bell Centre cry for a tripping call against nature?

– Will anyone besides Söderberg and Bergeron show up for Game 7?

– How much HGH is Chiarelli pumping into Seidenberg’s body right now?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Marshall

About Marshall

Holder of the Triforce of Courage. Hero of Time. Savior of Hyrule. Also, I like hockey, Star Wars, ASOIAF, Batman, Bucky O'Hare and the Toad Wars fan fiction, math, and cheeseburgers. Seriously, I f'n love cheeseburgers. Sometimes I write monster stories at yogurtisthenewblack.wordpress.com (yes, toddlers are monsters)

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