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Detroit: America’s Turtlehead.

You can make a case that America has many armpits.

– Lynn, MA
– Consol Energy Center
– Ryan Miller
– The entire state of Florida

If these are the armpits of America then Detroit is the taint. You know what, no – that’s an understatement. Detroit is the turtle head that’s poking out of the America’s brown eye during a long meeting after a night of cheap beer and Taco Bell. The city, the people, the music, the sports teams – everything about Detroit is one big fucking turtlehead poking out that could choke a gaggle of donkeys.

I mean the easiest place to start is probably the economy itself. When the economy shit the bed, Detroit fell quicker than a Montreal Canadien getting sneezed on. Here is the beauty that is Detroit:

And that’s two pictures I found googling “Detroit”. Not Detroit slums or Detroit sucks or whatever, just Detroit. It’s an immeasurable shithole that gave us people like Kid Rock and Uncle Cracker and won’t apologize for it. Seriously – the only thing Kid Rock ever brought to the table was Joe C and Joe C couldn’t stand it so he went off and died.

Seriously, you know what’s been the biggest hit coming out of Detroit in the past decade? Fucking T-Baby and a song used when people want to shit all over Detroit.

It’s an unmitigated disaster of a city.

I mean we can just talk about the sports teams. In basketball the Detroit Pistons are basically known for two things:

Bill Lambeer being a complete douche

and

So yeah. I mean, you can throw their 2004 NBA Championship in my face, but that honestly feels like forever ago. Instead the Pistons are a perfect representation of their city – a once glorious and successful franchise that quickly fell into the pits, never to be heard from again. The same goes for the Tigers, the Lions and the Red Wings (oh my!).

The Red Wings are the last of a Detroit dying breed as in they are the last Detroit team to win something and that was back in 2008. After that? Lost in the Cup Finals and then multiple first and second round exits. Detroit fans are slowly creeping into that Montreal Canadiens fandom where the only thing they can do is hark back to the “good ole days”.

Ah the good ole days when Brendan Shanahan was doing the same shit he now suspends people for used to suspend people for. Steve Yzerman was Mr. NHL and the Red Wings and Avalanche were locked into incredible battles. The “good ole days”. Now Detroit is a shell of itself, even after moving to the Eastern Conference because Mike Illitch wouldn’t stop fucking bitching about being in the Western Conference. Wah, start times. Wah, competition.

Then again, I shouldn’t be surprised that Mike Illitch is a shitbag considering the Tigers had the highest playoff ticket prices in baseball last season. Glad people had to pay a lot of money to watch them get face fucked by the Boston Red Sox 4-2. The Detroit Tigers are a whole different ball of embarrassing wax too. Other than their recent playoff “success” which includes winning one World Series game in two tries (2006 they lost 4-1 and 2012 was sweep city) and losing in the ALCS in 2011 and 2013 – the Tigers are known for losing 119 games – the second highest in the modern era (120 games from the 1962 Mets).

And if I have to talk about the Detroit Lions – oh wait, they just drafted another wide receiver in the first round.

It’s a complete joke of a city. People only go to Detroit so they can get directions on how to get out of Detroit. There is nothing there for anyone to see unless you want an up-close look at a gang shooting. But hey, the people of Detroit have the Red Wings and they’ve made the playoffs for the past 400 years, but no one will ever mention the first and second round exits.

Enjoy the two games at Joe Louis Arena this season. When the Red Wings eventually get bounced by the Bruins, you’ll be able to focus on the Detroit Lions once again not living up to expectations and selling your Food Stamps to watch the Tigers flame out in the playoffs.

Bawitdaba!

Pez

About Pez

People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.

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