ECQFGame3Final

Occupy Octopi…Bruins Win!

First rant. Then recap.

The Octopus throw is the dumbest fucking tradition in sports. It’s disgusting. Who in their right mind would want to skate through that slime? It hasn’t even made sense in about fifty years. You wanna throw a sixteen-tentacled sea beast on the ice? Go for it. Shouldn’t be too hard to find one in your cesspool of a city. And spoiler alert, octopus is fucking expensive. Your city is broke as shit. I don’t know if that’s irony, but it’s something. End rant.

If you haven’t been on Twitter, Yahoo, or Reddit in the past five days, you might not know that Detroit (and everyone else) is up in arms about Lucic’s spear on Danny DeKeyser. I’m not here to rehash that, and I’m certainly not going to defend hitting a man in the junk, but comparing it to plays like Mike Ruup elbowing TJ Oshie into orbit or anything Matt Cooke has ever done is flat out stupid. To show just how dumb they are, the Detroit crowd decided to throw themselves a “Lucic sucks” party, even when he wasn’t on the ice.

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To be fair to them, there are FIVE Bruins with the number 7 on their jerseys and they may have been confused. That’s a lot of numbers to keep track of for people whose elementary school education consisted of learning Miranda rights before math.

When asked about his team trying to play the Bruins’ style, Coach Mikey Lemons had this to say: “You walk into the bar and there’s this beautiful young gal, standing next to this 6-foot-5 monster, who you know makes his living fighting for a living and you’re the best pool player in the bar. Are you going to play pool? Or are you going to fight? Figure it out, seems simple to me.”

And then the second there’s a scrum at the net, Detroit tries to play Bruins billiards.

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Sweet gameplan. Did you not see how the Bruins wiped the floor with Pittsburgh last year doing this? Did you not watch film from Sunday’s game? You wanna trade your first-line winger for Jordan Caron, a guy who hasn’t scored since October 5th? (against Detroit, holy foreshadowing, Batman!) Go for it.

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For all the good things the B’s did in the first two games, puck possession was not one of them. They finally saw some sustained attacking zone time in the first period, and made good use of it. I’ve seen steak au poivre less peppered than Jimmy Howard in those first nine minutes.

And then, Dougie happened.

I could watch that goal over and over again. It’s literally the only play of the year I wouldn’t mind watching a Berkshire Bank epileptic exciting replay on. It’s mind boggling that Dougie sees the least amount of ice time among Bruins defensemen. Both stats and “gut feeling” say that he’s the best blue-liner on the team not named Zdeno Chara. Let the kid play.

Remember that line about Jordan Caron not scoring since the second game of the regular season? Well forget it, because Jordan Caron put home a juicy rebound courtesy of the third best player in NHL history, Shawn Thornton. Do not adjust your screen. That’s not a typo. Jordan. Caron. Scored a goal. In a playoff game.

Somehwere, Eddie Olczyk fondles a horse.

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Bruins trend of playing like dogshit in the second continued to rear its ugly head. I know Detroit is a scary city, and you don’t want to stray too far, but spending pretty much the entire second period in your own defensive zone is taking that a little too literally. The Bruins spent so little time on the attack you could call them Switzerland, although that might imply they owned the neutral zone. They did not.

For about thirty minutes, it really looked like the Bruins were just holding on. Normally that’s the easiest way to blow a two goal lead (looking at you, Columbus), but Tuukka Rask continues to be spectacular, and the PK unit doesn’t just kill penalties, they assassinate them.

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All the while, the defense was solid, keeping most of the chances to the outside and collapsing around Rask. The B’s finally woke up halfway through the third and started pushing the pace, thanks to the third line, especially Soderberg. A lot of great looks and near misses for the Yeti.

With the net empty, Pavel Datsyuk did some Pavel Datsyuk things that made me change my underwear, but Tuukka stood tall, and Bergeron drove home the dagger.

This was the most tense 3-0 game I’ve ever watched. I don’t remember breathing or speaking since the start of the second period. But a win is a win, and a 2-1 series lead is the reward for the Bruins’ first win in Detroit since 2011.

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- Tuukka Rask. 23 Saves for his fourth career playoff shutout.

Seriously, he almost got hit with a goddamn octopus before the game started and all it did was piss him off.

- The Third Line. The top two lines for both teams have basically cancelled each other out, but the Bruins depth has been a difference maker. They might not have shown up on the scoresheet tonight, but through three games, only three Bruins have positive possession numbers: Eriksson, Soderberg, and Florek.Boston Bruins 2013-2014 Playoffs player usage (1)Yes, they’ve been sheltered with the bulk of their starts coming in the offensive zone against weaker competition, but that’s exactly what they’re supposed to do.

- Special Teams. Powerplay is 3 for 8 in the series. PK is 9 for 9.

- Bruins haven’t lost a Game 3 since the Carolina series in 2010. I miss you, Aaron Ward. Go die in a fire, Scott Walker.

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- I’m starting to hate the Tyler Seguin trade more and more. Not because he’s now a legitimate Hart candidate, but because I’ve been subjected to approximately 3,700 shitty comments about the Smith brothers. Does anyone know that Reilly and Brendan have a brother Rory? He plays professional lacrosse, which, apparently, is a thing. I’m sure his parents love him just as much…

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- Marchand, you got hit on the left knee. Don’t skate off favoring your right. They already called the penalty, no need to sell it. This is why people hate you.

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- Second periods in this series have been borderline unwatchable. I would rather watch the Real Housewives of Sochi than watch the B’s act like the attacking zone is made out of hot lava for another twenty minutes. Stop playing not to lose!

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 - Detroit, how big is your inferiority complex that you have to trademark Hockeytown? The game was neither invented there nor perfected there. That’s like Tucson calling itself Methville USA just to stick it to Albuquerque.

- And on top of that, who leaves a playoff game early? That arena was EMPTY before this game was decided. I get that your city has broken your spirit, but a two goal deficit with three minutes left and the Joe was a ghost town, just like the rest of the D. “You stopped, belieeeevin’, hold on to your regular season!”

- Why does Claude hate Dougie?

- Will the Bruins play a full 60 minute game anytime soon?

 

Marshall

About Marshall

Holder of the Triforce of Courage. Hero of Time. Savior of Hyrule. Also, I like hockey, Star Wars, ASOIAF, Batman, Bucky O'Hare and the Toad Wars fan fiction, math, and cheeseburgers. Seriously, I f'n love cheeseburgers. Sometimes I write monster stories at yogurtisthenewblack.wordpress.com (yes, toddlers are monsters)

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