Habs-Suck

Suck The Hairs From Our Sacky, Sack, Sack, Montreal. BRUINS LOSE!

Montreal Canadien fans are a lot like Bible thumpers. They are constantly reminding you of their own history, so old now that it’s tucked away in a book no rational person cares about.

And like Bible thumpers, Habs fans don’t want to hear about the 99% of their history book that is awful. They only want you to focus on what they tell you.

“We won 24 Stanley Cups, we’re the best!” “We were in the Original Six and you weren’t!” “Whenever I do my Howie Morenz impression I break my leg.”

What they won’t tell you, because they choose to ignore it, is that 14 of those 24 Stanley Cups were won when there were only six teams in the league. And they will counter that with “yeah but the Habs were still dominant and WAY better than every other team so SUCK IT!” And why were the Habs so dominant? Was it good leadership? Good management? Good scouting? No. It was due to one simple rule.

During the Original Six era, teams were only allowed to sign players that lived within a 50 mile radius of the team’s city. Detroit (being close to Canada), Toronto and Montreal obviously got the better end of that rule, while Chicago, New York and Boston were at a true and disgusting competitive disadvantage.

Habs fans love to say the NHL favors the Bruins for some reason.

Well, 14 of your 24 Stanley Cups were won when the league literally favored Canadian teams. And yeah, we know the Bruins won a few during the Original Six era. What makes that actually impressive is they did so with that competitive disadvantage.

And that’s all great.

Woo history.

But when you really think about that, it means nothing to our generation. The vast majority of current Montreal and Boston fans were not around, or not old enough, during their eras of domination. Some 25 year old Montreal fan going on and on about his/her team’s 24 Cups is like some 25 year old Italian kid claiming his people discovered America because some Italian guy hundreds of years ago did. It means NOTHING now.

What’s the Cup total in the Modern Era?

Montreal 1.
Boston 1.

The Detroit Red Wings, Pittsburgh Penguins, New Jersey Devils, Colorado Avalanche and Chicago Blackhawks have all won more Cups than Boston or Montreal in the only era most of us were truly alive for.

Montreal hasn’t been relevant for YEARS. If you go up to any average hockey fan and say what is the first thing that pops into your head when you think of the Montreal Canadiens 99% of them are going to say douchebaggery, diving, turtles or Zdeno Chara hitting Max Pacioretty. Really, it’s cute how much you Habs fans try to cling to the past, digging your nails in refusing to let go.

And again, you’re just like Bible thumpers… whenever any evidence or facts come to light that refutes your beliefs, you cover your ears and yell until the person goes away.

And before you point out that a site called Days of Y’Orr is writing this, we named it that because it’s a pun.

That’s the whole story.

Not very exciting, is it?

We’re not saying it’s not okay to talk about history or respect a team’s history, but in terms of our generation, it means nothing. But if you’re so intent on keeping Habs history alive, why don’t we talk about how one of your most revered players of all time, Maurice Richard, would HATE everything your team stands for today? He was tough and nasty and respected the game of hockey. He would get repeatedly hit in the head with a stick and never once think of calling the cops on an opposing player. He’d be kicking the shit out of P.K. Subban on the bench every time he tried to start a fight and then turtled.

Though, if it makes you feel better Habs, this die hard Bruins fan has Maurice Richard blood in him. That’s right. I’m in his family tree. Suck my black and gold balls.

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