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TAKE ONLY WHAT YOU NEED TO SURVIVE! BRUINS WIN!

HA! I’m officially in now. I distracted Purrgeron with a laser pointer and a bag of catnip and next thing you know, I had a login and posting privileges. You can follow me on Twitter. Much like my articles, 90% of it is delusional rambling, but it’s good for an occasional laugh. Just like the Leafs, only intentional.

Lots of team hardware handed out before puck drop. Marchand takes home the Eddie Shore Award for exceptional hustle and determination. The Elizabeth Dufresne Award for outstanding performance during home games went to Krejci. For his off-ice charitable work, Tuukka gets the John P. Bucyk Award.

As for the Bruins’ 3 Stars of the year, the 3rd star goes to Patrice Bergeron. Let that sink in. Patrice “Perfection” Bergeron was arguably only the THIRD best player on this team. Number 2 to David Krejci, who has been a revelation this year. He’s found a level of consistency we’ve never seen from him before, including an increased dedication to his defensive game, evident by his league-high +39. If anyone was wondering who the 1st Star of the year would be, then they’re silly, because it’s clearly this guy:

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36 wins, 2.04 GAA, .930 SV%, 7 shutouts. (Not to mention 2 assists, including 1 today.) Start engraving the Vezina now.

Let’s get this shit over with.

Are these really the Buffalo Sabres? It was about seven minutes into the first before I heard a name I recognized. Who’s their marquee star? Who puts asses in the seats? Cory Conacher? Christian Ear-off? (Don’t Google that, seriously.) How many of these guys are witness protection cases?

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Jordan Caron gets his first career highlight after a nice centering pass that Campbell managed to tuck past Buffalo Henchman Goalie #5.

1:29 later, a wild Krejci appeared.

I haven’t seen a backhand that strong since Rick James died. I’m not sure if it’s just because it’s Buffalo, or if Krejci is Neo, but that backhand roofer looked like he was moving in bullet time. Is he even in position to make that play before this year? Depends on the month. Call it the Iginla Factor if you want, but to see him putting in that kind of effort in game 81 really emphasizes what this Bruins team is about.

Things I’m tired of asking: Why in the actual fuck is John Scott still on an NHL roster? My two-year old is a better skater than him.  He can also read, count, and spell better than him too.

Bergeron’s 30th of the year. Sploosh. There are no other words.

Third. Third best player on the team.

Oh, shit. I forgot about Cory Hodgson. Unfortunately, so did Dougie. Hodgson sneaks behind him and gets off a hell of a backhand that gets past Tuukka. Too much ice cream for Dougie.

Forget the whole Luongo/Schneider debacle. Mike Gillis traded Cody Hodgson for Zack Kassian. LOLOLOL. No wonder Vancouver is such a tremendous dumpster fire and Gillis got the Trevor Linden bitchslap. #freekesler

No Bergeron for the third. Stay calm everyone. The man has played with a broken everything, he’s not missing anything that actually matters. The less time Bergeron spends breathing the same air as John Scott, the better.

Brutal hit on Paille by someone named Jake McCabe. I don’t know if my heart can handle Jordan Caron playing meaningful minutes in a Playoff game. Please be OK, Stonehands!

I’m done saying awesome things about how awesomely awesome David Krejci is…except no I’m not.

Freaky bounce, you say? Nay! Czech wizardry! In all seriousness, you know why the Power Play doesn’t suck this year? Because of plays like that where the B’s just throw it at the net instead of playing hot potato for two minutes. Ahem, Iginla Factor™!

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That’s a wrap on the home portion of the regular season. B’s are officially the top regular season team in the league, assuring them home ice advantage throughout the playoffs and earning them a piece of shit trophy. More importantly, they got back to playing their game today. No late period goals, dominant puck posession, solid defense, and Tuukkamanina running wild. Start the playoffs now!

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- About 8,000 pregnancy tests after Bergeron’s goal. Lots of Patrices being born 9 months from now. Mark my words.

- Not a single three game losing streak all season, even counting overtime/shootout losses. Consistency, consistency, consistency.

- NESN+ didn’t shit the bed until 3 minutes into the 3rd period, and it was only for a second. Steady improvement, gentlemen. Steady improvement.

- Hats off to the refs for bouncing Scott, and Chara for that matter. This game could have been a bloodbath, which benefits absolutely no one.  Thanks, Stripes!

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- John fucking Scott. I thought I couldn’t clench any tighter when he tried to drop `em with Lucic. And then Chara came over. Don’t even engage him. Just skate away, he cannot catch you. For fucks sake, the playoffs start in five days. You have ONE JOB:

- There’s still another game in the regular season. Kill me.

- Seriously? Fuck you, Buffalo. Paille’s season could be done, and you drop this turd on Twitter:

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- Hate to see anyone get taken out on a stretcher, scary situation for Matt Hackett. Hope for the best.

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- Does testifying against Whitey Bulger earn you a third line wing spot for Buffalo?

- Is Jordan Caron’s highlight reel shorter than “Requiem for a Tuesday”?

- How excited can you be to get the shirt off of Corey Potter’s back?

- Can we just cancel tomorrow’s game or, at the very least, call up the entire Providence roster?

Marshall

About Marshall

Holder of the Triforce of Courage. Hero of Time. Savior of Hyrule. Also, I like hockey, Star Wars, ASOIAF, Batman, Bucky O'Hare and the Toad Wars fan fiction, math, and cheeseburgers. Seriously, I f'n love cheeseburgers. Sometimes I write monster stories at yogurtisthenewblack.wordpress.com (yes, toddlers are monsters)

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