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He’s Not A Machine, He’s A Man!. #BRUINS WIN!

Editor’s Note: This may say “By: Pez” but it was actually written by Marshall Ottina. Marshall is one of the people we believe would be an excellent fourth writer for us, so we decided that he should get a shot doing a recap. Love it or hate it, we think it’s awesome. Please leave as much feedback as possible. Any editing/formatting issues is Pez’ fault. 

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Full disclosure, Rocky IV was on AMC the other night.  Definitely on the list of movies I can’t just flip past, along with Shawshank, Beverly Hills Cop, and BASEketball.  Having said that, expect much in the way of Soviet Russia jokes.  And when you’re done reading this, go play Ivan Drago, Justice Enforcer.  You’re welcome.

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Caps have been one of those teams that seem to trip up the Bruins. Like Carolina a few years ago, it doesn’t make sense. They can’t play defense. They have zero secondary scoring. But every once in a while they catch the Bruins sleeping. This game had all the makings of a trap game. Coming off a huge emotional win against Chicago (you can say there was no revenge on the B’s mind, but you’d be wrong), and after a batshit crazy schedule in March, a game against a fringe team like Washington could trip up almost anyone. But what do we say to the god of losing?

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Matt Bartkowski gets the healthy scratch, cue the music…

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victory guaranteed


B’s all over the place to start the game. Owning posession time, dominating the neutral zone, forcing turnovers, more layers than an Italian wedding cake.

Lucic absolutely manhandles Mike Green in the neutral zone, leading to an early chance. Fun Fact: Mike Green was second in Norris Trophy voting for two years in a row.

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Scoreless after 20. All Braden Holtby in the first. 2012 flashbacks.

Soderberg right out of the box (after a weak tripping call) with a hell of a feed to Jarome Arthur-Leigh Adekunle Tig Junior Elvis Iginla to open the scoring.

 

Soderberg (#nowtrending) with just the tip. On the powerplay no less!

 

Iginla with his second of the game after a nice net drive by Lucic 41 seconds later.

 

Does Iginla throw up in his mouth every time he realizes that he could have a Cup right now if he hadn’t strong-armed his GM to send him to Pittsburgh? Because I sure do. You’re forgiven, Jarome. I forgave you the second you dropped the gloves with Radko Gudas on opening night, but still…

Caps look like they would rather be doing anything else but playing this game. Someone should tell them they’re somehow (coughcough, Detroit and Toronto are terrible) still in contention. If it weren’t for Holtby, this game would be about 23-0 at this point, conservatively.

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Jason Chimera ends Chad Johnson’s scoreless streak at just under 110 minutes to end the second.

Fucks given by Johnny Boychuk: Zero. Chimera tries to chop him down, and Boychuk just swats him away like a fly.

 

Chimera’s lucky he escaped with his life. The Boychuk orphanage has been quiet lately, but do you really want to take that risk?

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Huge PK after a Meszaros hooking call. Great plays by Marchand, Eriksson, and Johnson to preserve the two goal lead.

Alex Ovechkin. Can’t score a goal? Fuck it, charge a guy with two concussions this year.

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Bergeron extends his goal streak to six games on the ensuing powerplay. Does that make Loui Eriksson Apollo Creed?

 

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Russian #2 scores in garbage time to wrap up the scoresheet.

Chalk one up for the good guys.

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- The Bruins are now 11-1-2 in day games this season. The Bruins. In years past, you could pretty much pencil in a matinee for an “L”, but not these B’s. They start fast and don’t let up. Insert Tyler Seguin alarm clock joke here.

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- Krejci has quietly found another level this year. And by another level, I mean consistency. Not to shit on Nathan Horton, but there’s no way that skating alongside Jarome Iginla doesn’t make you want to try harder on every shift.

- Soderberg and Iginla are hotter than the Shakira/Rihanna music video. (You’re welcome for the lack of Photoshop on this one)

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- Ovechkin’s +/- rating. No joke here. It just doesn’t get much more negative than that.

- NESN still playing the jingle bell noise when they put up the Jordan’s Furniture banner. It’s almost April.

- The “organ” at the Verizon Center. That 8-bit MIDI version of “Get Lucky” really brought me back to the early 2000s. That’s not a good thing. I need orange juice and a pacifier, stat!

- I couldn’t find a use for this Photoshop. :(

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- Is there an uglier human being on the planet than Alex Ovechkin? Guy makes Rocky Dennis look like Ryan Reynolds. Deadpool Ryan Reynolds, not Just Friends fatsuit Ryan Reynolds.

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- What moronic statement will come out of Kevin Paul Dupont’s mouth next?

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Pez

About Pez

People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.

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