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Purrgeron Exit Interview: Matt Bartkowski

(Before heading home for the summer after their embarrassing loss to the Canadiens, DOY GM Patrice Purrgeron conducted exit interviews with each member of the Bruins.)

turdsandwich

Series of Missed Opportunities. Pun Intended. BRUINS CRASH AND BURN.

I apologize if you came here expecting our usual humor to try bring a bit of a bright spot to this situation. I can’t do it. If I was an idiotic teenage girl I might even say I can’t even. There’s myriad excuses people are using as to why the Bruins lost. Yes, there were […]

game4

Matt Fraser: Overnight Hero. BRUINS WIN!

We could not possibly be more pumped that the Bruins win. Really. But this game highlighted our frustration with the Bruins. The Bruins have played like ass for 90% of this series and the Canadiens are still barely hanging with them. So, the quote The Rock, why in the BLUE HELL aren’t they playing up […]

ECQFGM4Final

Adult Diapers Required. BRUINS WIN (IN OT)!!!

A common joke about the Bruins is that if a team really wants to beat them, all the other team has to do is start their back-up. The Bruins seem to score just fine on starters, but throw a back-up in and the Bruins make them look like… well, Greg says it best: Quite simply […]

ECQFgame1

Datsyuk Makes Us Hate Wizards. BRUINS LOSE.

Oooooh my name is Pavel Datsyuk. I have magic hands and score fancy goals meeeeeeeh. Yeah Bruins. That’s what happens when you give Datsyuk space. Girls get off by just looking at his magic hands. If Datsyuk worked at a massage parlor and gave Happy Endings we’d go at least 80 times a week. Great […]

philadelphiaice

78. PHILADELPHIA FLYERS AT BOSTON BRUINS: SOMETHING, SOMETHING, WINTER IS COMING!

78. PHILADELPHIA FLYERS AT BOSTON BRUINS: SOMETHING, SOMETHING, WINTER IS COMING! (today’s preview is brought to you by the letters Marshall Ottina) The sky is falling! Two losses in a row! Sound the alarms, blow up the lines, bench Rask, call up Svedberg. I legitimately had someone tell me the B’s were going to fall […]

chadjohnsontroymclure

Hi, I’m Chad Johnson And This is My Shutout. BRUINS WIN!

Eleven wins in a row. First team in the league to clinch a playoff spot. Chad Johnson’s fifth win in a row personally. Bruins just completely in the zone. Boners and lady boners EVERYWHERE thinking about the Bruins these days. It was nice to see the Avs test the Bruins as much as they did. […]

loochamania

Underrated Like Lucic. BRUINS WIN!

This is what happens when you face the Bruins these days: And so you don’t get confused again Boston media, we were chanting “we want ten” not “we want Van” and the Bruins gave us 10…in row. HEY BERGERON, TRY NOT TO SCORE ANY GOALS ON YOUR WAY THROUGH THE PARKING LOT! Before the game […]

pierre-mcguire

Between the Glass Recap. BRUINS WIN!

 (Editor’s Note: Jon was unable to do the recap tonight but luckily Pierre McGuire stepped up and took care of it for us because we’re always so super duper nice to him) http://youtube.com/watch?v=53B5_K5uY-s?rel=0 ) (video via DOY rink side reporter Pete Blackburn) Now something people don’t know here is the Bruins and Canadiens have been […]

Boychuk Gives Tampa a Rock Bottom. BRUINS WIN.

That game started so ugly, but the B's pulled it out. Usually that method doesn't work, but it did against Tampa. Probably because Stamkos is still getting back into game shape and St. Louis cried his way out of town and Tampa doesn't have much other than that.  Bruins really need to stop that habit […]

Rask Pitches a Tent. I Mean Shutout. Sorry. Shutout. BRUINS WIN!

So, where was that kind of defensive effort the last few times the B's faced the Capitals? Who cares. It was there last night. It was hilarious watching that game and seeing how many Caps players are absolutely terrified of getting hit. So hilarious.  Anyway, Bruins are awesome, the Crapitals suck fat ones and we're […]

Krejci Rules. South Park Stick of Truth Rules. BRUINS WIN!

Yes, so if we're being honest as soon as the game was over the DOY staff went right back to playing South Park: Stick of Truth so we're recap-less today. We'd apologize, but if you've played the game you'll understand.  Here's some notes though: – Krejci made it rain hats at TD Garden…and the Jeremy […]

A Patrice Purrgeron Exclusive Interview: Jeremy Jacobs

  He is a man that goes by many names. Satan. Senor Douchebag. Ole Turkey Neck. The Rasin Balls. Beelz. That Old Greedy Selfish Cum Dumpster. Scrooge McJacobs. To his family, he's simply known as Jeremy. Good evening. I am Patrice Purrgeron and I'm here to expose the biggest cancer in Boston. Some might call […]

Nine Golden Facts You Didn’t Know About Patrice Bergeron

    There is so much more to Patrice Bergeron than his incredibly handsome face. Bergeron's 2014 gold medal is just one of many great accomplishments in his career. Bergeron has won so much hardware that he craps gold and silver. When Fort Knox is short on gold, they call Bergeron. How have all the […]

Awesome Game, Not So Awesome Ending. BRUINS LOSE.

Why are Bruins-Blues games so magically delicious? Please, PLEASE let them meet in the playoffs. Seven games of this would be ridiculously good. Sure the Bruins lost, but what a great game. Gutsy performance by the Bruins too. Johnny Boychuk, according to Jack Edwards, had played more games than the rest of the Boston D-Men […]

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