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26: Panthers @ Bruins. All Right Meow.

We’re all tired of talking about the Bruins’ offense. There are only so many metaphors I can force. So, fuck it, let’s talk about the Florida Panthers. Last years’ Atlantic Division champs are one of this season’s biggest disappointments. Nobody picked them to repeat that fate, not with a healthy Carey Price back on the ice, but […]

carolinagameday

24: Hurricane @ Bruins. Shooting Blanks.

Jesus tittyfucking christ, the Bruins cannot score. Right now, you could fill their pockets with gold, set them loose on the floor of a gold diggers convention, and watch them come out the other side as disease-free as a newborn bubble boy.  What’s batshit crazy is that the Bruins are numero uno in the league for […]

wildgameday

17: Bruins @ Wild: Skip the Ambien

The Minnesota Wild might be the most boring team in the NHL. I watched their game against the Flames the other night and I felt myself aging faster than the pace of that game. `Member how painful Bruins-Devils games were to watch a few years ago? Now realize that Scott Stevens is an assistant coach for […]

cbjgameday

14: Blue Jackets @ Bruins: Snarky Title Here

Listen, I’m still not really in the mood to make my stupid hockey jokes. I really want to go back to a time where my biggest fear was a Kevan Miller/Adam McQuaid top pairing. If you want to make a difference, find an organization ready to help people fight the hatred they’ll be facing for […]

buffalogameday

12: Sabres @ Bruins. Broken Home by Papa Roach

Stop me if you’ve heard this before, but the Bruins are atrocious at the TD Garden. After posting a 17-18-6 record at home last year, they’ve started this season at a blistering 1-3-0 pace. Things are so bad at home DCF needs to be called in to remove the kids for their own safety.   The […]

tampagameday

10: Bruins @ Lightning. Let’s Talk About Rask, Baby.

Before we get started, let’s get one thing clear. The Tampa Bay Lightning are going to win the Stanley Cup this year. Top to bottom, they are the most complete team in the league and can beat you in so many ways. They have serious depth up front, an incredible blue line, a goaltending tandem most […]

devilsgameday

4: Devils @ Bruins: Unlimited Pasta and Bradsticks

Before I start gushing like Greg’s loins when he looks at his fantasy roster and sees Auston Matthews and Patrick Laine, there’s some shit that needs to get addressed. This Bruins team has some serious fucking issues. You know how many of their goals have come from sources not on their top line or D pairing? Fucking […]

winnipegice

3: Bruins @ Jets. Save Us Y2Bergeron.

Play shit team. Win. Play shit team. Lose. Play shit team. ??? If you’re going to start a season without your best player, you couldn’t ask for a better set of opponents than Columbus, Toronto, and Winnipeg. As expected, the Bruins offense has been hotter than Ken Bone’s reddit comment history. Unfortunately, the defense has looked, […]

columbus

1: Bruins @ Blue Jackets. It’s a New Day! Yes It Is!

Ok, now that the dust is gone… HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS! HOCKEY IS BACK! Yes, we all Joe Thorntoned in our living rooms last night watching Auston Matthews. But tonight is the night we’ve all been waiting for. The return of YOUR SIX TIME STANLEY CUP CHAMPION BOSTON BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS (yes we know he’s not here […]

Shit_Fountain_sculpture

Zac Rinaldo is a Fountain of Shit

“Zac Rinaldo is one of those players that you hate playing against, but you love having him on your team.”   Zac Rinaldo is a waste of cap space, a roster spot, and carbon. He’s the kind of player that makes you go “OK, Claude. Fine, you can have Gregory Campbell back.”   Since entering the league, […]

dougiepunk

The Summer of Doug

(The TD Garden crowd is boiling over with anticipation. Earlier today, Dougie Hamilton made his contract demands clear. Suddenly, the low familiar guitar riff rumbles over the PA…..”No chance, that’s what ya got.”)   (General Manager Don Sweeney makes his way down to center ice to a lukewarm reception, microphone in hand.) “Good evening, ladies […]

walesconference

Days of Y’Orr First Round Preview – Eastern Conference

So, the Bruins’ season is over. Life goes on. The next two months are our favorites of the year, regardless of who’s playing. Playoff hockey is the kitties’ titties. So, liberated from our individual biases, we present to you, our preview of the first round in the chase for Lord Stanley’s Cup. Here are the 4 […]

campbellconf

Days of Y’Orr First Round Preview – Western Conference

So, the Bruins’ season is over. Life goes on. The next two months are our favorites of the year, regardless of who’s playing. Playoff hockey is the kitties’ titties. So, liberated from our individual biases, we present to you, our preview of the first round in the chase for Lord Stanley’s Cup. Here are the 4 […]

detroittourism

Trot Mess. Bruins Win!

As I live and breath, the 2014-15 Boston Bruins are in a playoff spot. Like, a real one too, not just a wild-card seed. Bruins showed a lot of [cliche redacted] in this game, coming from behind to beat a Detroit team currently doing their best Jimi Hendrix impression. Not the revolutionary guitar-playing part, the choking […]

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