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Guest Recap. We Apologize for the Yelling. Bruins Win!

Editor’s note: Due to his actions on Twitter today, Days of Y’Orr General Manager, Patrice Purrgeron has suspended Marshall for one week. Unable to get Jon off the couch, we are being forced to use a guest writer tonight. We can’t legally use his real name, so for the purpose of a by-line, we bring you tonight’s […]

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Curb Stomp. Bruins Win.

David Krejci out of the lineup today, so by proxy, so is Milan Lucic. Sure, he’s on the ice but is he really? The good news? RYAN SPOONER, BITCHES! I, for one, can’t wait for his 6 minutes of ice time while Greg Campbell starts running the point on the powerplay. Joking. I’m joking. HAHA.   […]

10things

Ten Things I Hate About Claude. Bruins Lose.

Fuck. Coming into tonight the Bruins were rolling harder than Lieutenant Dan going down a double black diamond on two hits of ecstasy. To the under-thirty crowd, ecstasy is what we used to call Molly. Same drug, different name. #MillenialProblems But then a game like tonight’s happens and takes the air out of the Bruins […]

milkcookies

Carl. Carl Wins!

Carl is fucking awesome!Everything is cool when Carl’s on your teamCarl is fucking awesome! And our pants are full of creamEverything is better when Carls are togetherSöderberg, Eriksson, side by side, win forever, let’s party foreverIn the weeds, we need Swedes, do the deeds, gonna sow some victory seeds!Carl is fucking awesome!Everything is cool when […]

TuukkaMania_RaskWatch

Czech Yourself Before You Rask Yourself. Bruins Win!

No Pete Blackburn GIFs tonight. You can turn back now. I promise I won’t hold it against you. What I can’t give you in animated highlights, I will attempt to give you via MS paint. Oh, and I have zero artistic ability. So here it goes. Four minutes. That’s all it took for Patrice Bergeron […]

lucicpacman

Surely the Apocalypse Is Upon Us. Bruins Win.

Back to back wins? On back to back nights? I’m gonna be real honest. Seeing the Bruins on the second half of a back to back against the Devils had me like: I started watching the game late, so my “10 seconds forward” button got more use than a squeegee at a peep show. I […]

black-bear-sad_1979494i

Bru Years Resolutions. Bruins Lose.

This Bruins’ team has been tough to watch. They’ve been far below expectations. They’ve been sloppy. But most of all, they’ve been boring. Tonight, we got a game that was fun to watch. Yeah, the ending sucked, but at least it was entertaining.   The game’s first goal came off a Torey Krug turnover, though some […]

jacobslaughing

How Much Does a Goal Cost?

Despite a recent uptick in production, the Bruins’ offense remains woefully inept. They sit at 21st in the league in Goals For per Game with 2.59, only besting the dregs of the league. In years past, they could probably get away with that kind of output, but this year’s defensive effort has been middle-of-the-road at best. All […]

hamilton

DOY Haiku Hour. Bruins Win!

    Big Year Dougie H Marks the contest’s first tally Powerplay hammer   Still no goals for Matt “Gionta, taste my pain, bitch!” Goodnight, Bartkowski   Andrej Meszaros Scored a motherfucking goal Andrej Meszaros   Freakish deflection Buffalo is in the lead Fuck this shit to death   But wait, what is this? Chris Kelly plays […]

david-carradine

David Carradine. Bruins Lose.

Choke, choke, city bitch, city bitch Choke, choke, choke city bitch, city bitch, choke Choke, choke, choke city bitch, city bitch Mustard on the beat The first good chance of the game came with Zdeno Chara in the box. Bergeron was able to clear the puck into open space, where Ottawa goalie Robin Lehner made the […]

elf

Direct Me To The Nearest Post Office. Bruins Win!

I haven’t even had my leftovers yet and this game was putting me to sleep. Real talk, if David Pastrnak wasn’t on the ice, I paid about 10% attention. This game was a fucking snoozefest and my 5 month-old has a fever, so somebody needs to bring me some forever stamps, `cause I am mailing this […]

kokobware

Khoko B. Ware! Bruins Win!

Did the Bruins show up for the first 40 minutes tonight? Did they show up for the third?   An early opportunity was foiled when the laws of physics, angry at Patrice Bergeron for his lifelong defiance, partnered with Dalton Prout to keep Bergeron’s shot, which had trickled past Sergei Bobrovsky, from crossing the goal […]

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Rask Gives Me Blues Clues. Bruins Win!

If the Bruins turn this season around, tonight is one of the games you’ll look back at and nod approvingly. Blues are one of the best teams in the league, especially on the offensive side of the game. You match that up against a depleted Bruins blue line, and this game had all the makings […]

turdsandwich

Trade Chara, Amirite? Bruins Lose.

defense (dəˈfens,ˈdēˌfens) noun 1. The act of defending against attack, danger, or injury. 2. A means or method of defending or protecting. 3.  Sports Means or tactics used in trying to stop the opposition from scoring. What a fucking disaster. The blue line is an absolute mess right now. Dougie is the only one capable of inspiring any confidence but when you stick him with the 2014 version of Dennis Seidenberg for 20 minutes a night, results may vary. This isn’t a knee jerk reaction or […]

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