47: Islanders @ Bruins. For Shame, Garth Snow.

Remember last year when the Islanders won a playoff series for the first time since Kurt Cobain was still alive? Then Garth Snow tried to replace Kyle Okposo and Frans Nielsen with Andrew Ladd and Jason Chimera, brought in 87-year-old P.A. Parenteau (waiving him before playing a single game), and signed Cal Clutterbuck to a […]


45: Bruins @ Predators. Nashville Pushy.

I honestly have no idea how to explain the playoff picture in the East right now. This whole bye week nonsense has me feeling like a Russian mattress, only I’m more pissed off than pissed on. On pure points alone, the Bruins appear to have a semi-comfortable hold on the 2nd spot in the Atlantic. […]


41. Oilers @ Bruins. Luck Fucic.

Halfway home. This is crunch time. No I’m not just saying that because Milan Lucic is back in town and there’s a taco truck idling in front of his hotel.   The Bruins, while on paper sit tied with Ottawa for 2nd in the Atlantic, have played more games than any other team in the […]


38: Bruins @ Sabres. Pull up. PULL UP.

Before we can take this shit year out behind the shed and Old Yeller it, there’s the tiny matter of the home-and-home with Buffalo. The Bruins’ are in a slightly-less-than-controlled tailspin of late, going 3-5-2 in their last 10. December started so promising for the team, who opened the month with 3 straight victories. Since then, […]


35: Bruins @ Panthers. Kill me pls.

Be forewarned, I’ve had that death sentence of a stomach bug lately, so this preview will be just like the last 48 hours of my life: don’t expect anything too solid out of me. When the Bruins last played the Panthers on December 5th, they were knocking on Ottawa’s back door for 2nd in the […]


32: Ducks @ Bruins. Happy 4/20.

If you’re not watching the Bruins stoned off your tits tonight, democracy has failed. More than it already has, but whatever. Happy Legalization Day, Massachusetts! Today is also the Bruins’ first look at Anaheim, who, I know this is shocking, are quietly having another superb season. Maybe it’s their lack of post-season success, but the Ducks […]


30: Bruins @ Canadiens. Lambs to the Goddamn Slaughter.

Ok, so as this preview is being written, the Boston Bruins Hockey Club sits in third place in the Atlantic Division. Yes, they are a playoff team in the most literal sense. Their grip on that spot, however, is as loose as Jon’s mom’s chocolate canal the week before rent is due. Tampa, Florida, and […]


26: Panthers @ Bruins. All Right Meow.

We’re all tired of talking about the Bruins’ offense. There are only so many metaphors I can force. So, fuck it, let’s talk about the Florida Panthers. Last years’ Atlantic Division champs are one of this season’s biggest disappointments. Nobody picked them to repeat that fate, not with a healthy Carey Price back on the ice, but […]


24: Hurricane @ Bruins. Shooting Blanks.

Jesus tittyfucking christ, the Bruins cannot score. Right now, you could fill their pockets with gold, set them loose on the floor of a gold diggers convention, and watch them come out the other side as disease-free as a newborn bubble boy.  What’s batshit crazy is that the Bruins are numero uno in the league for […]


17: Bruins @ Wild: Skip the Ambien

The Minnesota Wild might be the most boring team in the NHL. I watched their game against the Flames the other night and I felt myself aging faster than the pace of that game. `Member how painful Bruins-Devils games were to watch a few years ago? Now realize that Scott Stevens is an assistant coach for […]


14: Blue Jackets @ Bruins: Snarky Title Here

Listen, I’m still not really in the mood to make my stupid hockey jokes. I really want to go back to a time where my biggest fear was a Kevan Miller/Adam McQuaid top pairing. If you want to make a difference, find an organization ready to help people fight the hatred they’ll be facing for […]


12: Sabres @ Bruins. Broken Home by Papa Roach

Stop me if you’ve heard this before, but the Bruins are atrocious at the TD Garden. After posting a 17-18-6 record at home last year, they’ve started this season at a blistering 1-3-0 pace. Things are so bad at home DCF needs to be called in to remove the kids for their own safety.   The […]


10: Bruins @ Lightning. Let’s Talk About Rask, Baby.

Before we get started, let’s get one thing clear. The Tampa Bay Lightning are going to win the Stanley Cup this year. Top to bottom, they are the most complete team in the league and can beat you in so many ways. They have serious depth up front, an incredible blue line, a goaltending tandem most […]


4: Devils @ Bruins: Unlimited Pasta and Bradsticks

Before I start gushing like Greg’s loins when he looks at his fantasy roster and sees Auston Matthews and Patrick Laine, there’s some shit that needs to get addressed. This Bruins team has some serious fucking issues. You know how many of their goals have come from sources not on their top line or D pairing? Fucking […]


3: Bruins @ Jets. Save Us Y2Bergeron.

Play shit team. Win. Play shit team. Lose. Play shit team. ??? If you’re going to start a season without your best player, you couldn’t ask for a better set of opponents than Columbus, Toronto, and Winnipeg. As expected, the Bruins offense has been hotter than Ken Bone’s reddit comment history. Unfortunately, the defense has looked, […]